Barking Mad
by gracedkelly
Summary: When the Marauders fight, fangirls cry and teachers take a breath of fresh air. "You don't mind, me sitting here, do you?" I looked up and found my crush staring down at me. "I - erh, what?" Sirius Black winked. "Good. Don't need bloody James anyway. Hi," he said, turning to me as he sat down, "be my new best friend?" Don't judge me, but I might have fainted a little bit there.
1. Here comes a lion

_**A/N: My name, unfortunately, is not J.K. Rowling. Therefore I did not invent this marvelous place called Hogwarts, therefore I have no rights to this story except for the plot and my own characters. **_

_Hey guys!_

_It's that time of year again (aka NaNoWriMo) and I've decided to do a fanfic this year, because I have too many originals lying around and waiting for my attention anyway. Whoops. But on the bright side, this DOES mean that I will be able to upload a new chapter every single night! Yes! (If I do not, it will mean that I did not do my planned writing for the day and then you can come and kick my ass into gear.)_

_So if you know any of my stories, you know that I don't do besotted and fangirling all that well. My characters usually hate their potentional love interest and then end up falling in love with their prince Charming. So this is all new to me too, but I absolutely love the idea I have for this story. If I get it down the way I imagine it, it will be one of my best fics yet! _

_Full synopsis:_

I just don't understand these boys. Just last week they were acting like they were going to elope with each other and today they're in this big fight that nobody knows anything about. Which under normal circumstances might not be something to worry about, but we're talking about the Marauders. And when those rebels fight, fangirls cry and teachers take a breath of fresh air. "You don't mind, me sitting here, do you?" I looked up and found my crush staring down at me. "I - erh, what?" Sirius Black winked at me. "Good. Don't need bloody James anyway. Hi," he said, turning to me as he sat down, "be my new best friend?" Don't judge me, but I might - kind of - have fainted a tad bit.

_I hope you enjoy and please leave me your thoughts and suggestions!_

_As always with love,_

_Kelly_

* * *

**Chapter 1**

_Nants ingonyama bagithi Baba (Here comes a lion, Father)_  
_Sithi uhm ingonyama (Oh yes, it's a lion)_  
_~The Circle of Life - Lion King OST_

The school was buzzing. Nobody really knew why or what had happened, but the Marauders hadn't entered the Great Hall together this morning. Normally I wouldn't even have noticed such a thing, but that was before the fangirls started muttering _his_ name.

"Why isn't Sirius with them?" I heard Annabelle, a fellow Gryffindor ask her best friend softly.

My head snapped up and my eyes immediately found the Marauders, as if a magnetic force was pulling them there. It was an accurate enough description of the Marauders, to be honest. They were always pulling pranks, fooling around with girls but never dating them and sassing the teachers. I'm sure that if you asked every student here in Hogwarts what they thought of the Marauders they would either say that the Marauders are the heart of the school (the girls) or great mates to have (the boys). Both are correct descriptions of course, although I do tend to side with the girls' view of things.

I mean... It's not like I could ever see any of them as a mate. You need to be able to talk to your mates, right? The last time Remus Lupin asked for a quill I burst into anxious tears and that was third year.

Not that it was his fault, really. I mean, it's not his fault that his mother died a week later. You see, I'm a banshee and it's kind of my fate to know these things. My mum used to call it a gift that Merlin at some point in his life bestowed upon us. I believe my theory is more likely. One of my ancestors probably pissed off the great wizard and Merlin must have decided that he was done with his pigheadedness and cursed his arse to kingdom come so he could see only death. (I always imagine it to be a him, because there's nothing like a stubborn male to bring all the curses to the yard, so to speak.)

Anyway. As I was saying it wasn't really Lupin's fault that I felt his sorrow over his mother's passing. The whole 'shrieking like a banshee' phrase is totally exaggerated by the way. I only scream when the person I'm looking at is going to die in the foreseeable future. I can also feel it when somebody you love is about to die, hence the crying about Lupin's mother, someone I had never met before in my life. But it is not like I'm screaming my head off every few seconds or anything.

I sighed and shook my head. My thoughts were taking it a bit on the macabre side of things and it was only eight o'clock on a Monday morning.

I guided my thoughts back to the drama at hand as I stared at the Marauders. We would never be mates, I thought a tad bit sadly. Not because they still think I'm a bit loony, because let's face it everybody here thinks I'm a lunatic, but mostly because it just wouldn't do to befriend people. What would they do when they found out about what I was?

It was better to save myself the heartache, honestly.

Again with the macabre thoughts, I thought a bit depressed with myself. I looked away from the group and decided to focus on Annabelle's conversation.

Apparently the Marauders had this huge fight Saturday night, but nobody really knew what it was about.

I frowned. The Marauders rarely fought, they were inseparable. I mean last week they would have eloped together and now they were fighting? When the Marauders fought, fangirls cried and teachers had the chance to breathe a little. A lot of drama about something that was absolutely none of their business, if you asked me.

What interested me now was that Sirius Black was not among their group of merry pranksters.

As if my thoughts had summoned him, Sirius Black strode into the Great Hall with his head raised high. His eyes hesitated a second when he saw his friends obviously ignoring him. His powerful stride never wavered though and my heart may have fluttered a little.

Oh hush, I know how much of a cliché I am, thank you very much. It's just... the ignored and friendless 6th year Gryffindor was lusting after the heartthrob of the school. How very James Potter of me, seeing as Potter was the only other person who was completely besotted with someone who couldn't care less about him.

Maybe I should lay my affections elsewhere. James Potter and I were obviously soul mates.

No matter how much my brain was disgusted with my heart, my eyes never left the handsome wizard. His eyes scanned the table and I flicked my eyes to my food before he could see me looking at him. Right. Back to minding my own business it is, I thought with a little huff.

I shoved my food away and was just about to get up and leave the Great Hall, when Sirius Black stopped. Right. Next. To. Me.

I blinked. I looked around me, but besides Annabelle and her best friend there wasn't anyone around this part of the Gryffindor table. I frowned at that. I shrugged and just figured he wanted to talk to Annabelle. I grabbed my bag, but stopped when Black coughed.

I looked up and found him staring at me. I may have stopped breathing for a second there. Maybe this is just me being another cliché, but I completely froze.

"Hi," Sirius Black said with a small smile. "Do you mind if I sit here?"

I blinked. I - He - We - "What?"

He apparently took that as permission as he gave me a wink and sat his ass down next to mine. "Don't need no bloody James anyway," he muttered to himself. "Want to be my new best friend?"

I heard Annabelle hitting her friend vaguely, but didn't pay any attention to her as I stared into Sirius Black's grey eyes. Did he just ask me to replace James Potter? "I - why?"

He seemed a bit thrown by the question, but answered anyway. "Because I want to be friends with you."

"Do you even know my name?" I asked him incredulously, finally coming to my senses. A little. I stared at his hands and wondered if he had ever played an instrument. He certainly had the long fingers for it. Who knew what those hands were capable of. I felt a blush creep on my cheeks and quickly steered my thought to safer topics. Okay, so maybe I took the definition of coming to one's senses a bit broadly. Sue me.

"Of course, I do. You're Evans' friend."

That would be Lily Evans. Lily has been called the brightest witch of her age by several of our teachers and if there was every such a thing as a golden girl, then Lily Evans would be it. Her fiery red hair that barely reached past her shoulders was always worn in a high pony tail. Her green eyes could spit fire as easily as they could twinkle in laughter. Lily Evans was one tough cookie and was just as much of a loner as I was, especially after her big fight with Snape last year. Maybe that's why most people thought we were friends, since we sat next to each other for most classes. But honestly, I barely knew the girl. I knew she hated James Potter, who madly fancied her. I knew she disliked being called a Mudblood and that Severus Snape, Slytherin and also a 6th year, still made her cry at night, but that was something I knew more because we shared a dorm than that we were close friends.

I had no idea how you even behaved with your friends. Did you hover? Did you not talk to them until they talked to you? It was seriously complex and I kind of liked my life of solitude.

"Barely," I said, a bit more snappish than I intended. "But what is my name?"

He stared at me and seemed genuinely sorry that he couldn't remember. It wasn't all that weird, really. I doubted Annabelle would know my name any better than he, but still. It just proved how much of a James Potter I was really with just one big difference... At least Lily knew his name.

"I'm Nika," I told him softly, taking pity on him when his eyes glanced back to his friends.

"Hi, Nika," Sirius Black whispered back, "I'm Sirius."

I laughed at that and was secretly damn proud that it wasn't a giggle. "I know who you are, Mr Black. I do have a question for you though." Ah, why the hell not. What else was I doing with my life anyway?

Sirius looked at me with those big grey eyes of his. Why did he have those ridiculous long lashes anyway? It isn't even fair, I thought distractedly. "And what would that be, Nika?"

I smiled when he said my name. I liked it and wanted him to say it again. "Will you be my friend?"

Sirius nudged me and winked. "Yes, if you give me your toast."

I snorted at that. "Sure, enjoy." I shoved my plate towards him and he dug in without another word. I exchanged a what-the-fuck-look with Annabelle. She raised an eyebrow and I shrugged. Hell if I knew what was happening to my life right now.

"So want to tell me what this is all about?" I asked after he had eaten about half the table's food. Where did he put all of that anyway?

"No," Sirius shrugged, before grabbing an apple and biting a huge chunk out of it.

"You sure?" I asked slowly, looking at the murderous looks James Potter was sending our way. Honestly, what was up with these boys? Aren't they supposed to be best friends? Inseparable and friends till death do them part and all that mumbo jumbo? No?

Sirius Black gave me a look and I put my hands up in the air to show that I was unarmed. Alright, no asking about the crazy, angry friends. I grabbed my bag from the ground again and stood up.

"Where are you going?" he asked me with a frown as I tried to ignore all the stares that were putting holes in my head.

I gestured around the half empty Hall. "Class. It's what I am here for," I said slowly, grabbing my bag and shaking it a little. "I study here."

Sirius gave me an amused smile at that. "As do I, friend." He grabbed another apple and took another bite from the first one.

"Aren't you full yet?" I asked, before my brain could put a stop to it.

Sirius gave me another one of those smiles. "I am a growing boy, Nika. I'm never full."

If he said so. I gave him another speculative look, before marching out of the Great Hall and right past the other Marauders. Nobody spared Sirius a glance, except Remus who looked up quickly only to look away again.

What was going on?


	2. A lion still has claws

_**A/N: My name, unfortunately, is not J.K. Rowling. Therefore I did not invent this marvelous place called Hogwarts, therefore I have no rights to this story except for the plot and my own characters. **_

_Hey guys!_

_Wow. It's been a busy day. I went to a subtropical swimming pool for the day and to the movies afterwards. I wrote this chapter in less than an hour and only read it over quickly once. So it probably still has a lot of typos in it, but I can't be arsed to check it out right now. I'm EXHAUSTED x'D_

_Anyway, thank you all sooo much for your kind reviews and your follows! Wow. I just hope I can live up to your expectations!_

_Day 2 of NaNo and going strong! Good look to all of you fellow writers, participating this year!_

_As always with love,_

_Kelly_

_P.S.: I listened to the cover of Peter Hollins of "The Rains of Castamere" for this chapter. You should definitely check him out, he makes the lyrics sound so haunting... I love it._

* * *

**Chapter 2**

_A lion still has claws,_

_And mine are long and sharp, my lord,_

_As long and sharp as yours._

_~ The Rains of Castamere - Game Of Thrones OST_

Okay. I take it back. I don't want to be friends with Sirius Black anymore, I thought exactly five minutes later.

People were already noticing me and there was nothing I could do about it. "So what do you have now?" Sirius asked me as if nobody was sending glares my way at all.

I mean, he must be used to it, right? Every girl he had ever shagged, had probably gotten the same damn looks from his fanclub. Maybe I should be flattered by their attention? At least that means that they think I'm worthy of Sirius Black? My eyes fell on a black haired Slytherin who gave me a quick once-over. She smiled evilly at me, before loudly asking what the deal was.

Okay. So maybe I wasn't exactly his usual bonnie lass. But maybe that's what had them so scared? At least that's what I liked to think. It was definitely better than thinking they were all giving me pitying glances because they knew where I'd end up eventually. On the cold, hard ground with my heart torn into shreds.

I shook my head. No, that wasn't even the point really. The point was that I simply couldn't afford to stand out. I just couldn't. Sure people thought I was a little loony and my definition of a friend had some pretty big holes in it, but that was something I could live with. Being in the spotlight, however, was not.

"Potions," I grumbled.

Sirius raised an eyebrow and I raised one right back. "You feeling alright?"

"Peachy," I sighed.

Sirius gave me a little smile and a nudge in the side. "You'll get used to it, you know."

I frowned. "I'll get used to what?"

"The stares." Sirius shrugged. I guess he did notice them after all. He went with a hand through his hair, something he probably picked up from James Potter. That boy's hair was worse than a haystack. It was always a mess and he seemed to like it that way. Boys. "After a while they just become part of your life, you know."

"Merlin," I said in outright horror, "I hope not."

Sirius laughed loudly. "I'm starting to think I chose a rather good new best friend."

"Happy you think so," I murmured as I tried to avoid the other students' gazes. This was going to be one hell of a day.

* * *

We arrived at our Potions class five minutes late. I mindlessly went to sit with Lily Evans and gave her a little smile in greeting.

She cocked her head to the side and gave me a thoughtful look.

"What?" I asked her as I grabbed my textbook from my bag and opened it on the required page written on the blackboard.

"I noticed Sirius Black sitting with you at breakfast," she whispered, peering over my shoulder at the subject at hand.

Professor Slughorn had already assigned us our potions partners for the rest of the year, kind of logical since we were halfway November, so Sirius was stuck with James. Neither seemed thrilled about it and both stared straight ahead at the babbling professor.

"Yes, you and the whole school," I muttered a bit darkly.

Lily didn't budge whatsoever at my clear verbal stop-sign. "Why was that?"

"Why did he sit with me?" I repeated, looking away from the two boys at last. "Apparently they had words, but Sirius wouldn't talk about it."

"First name basis already, huh?" Lily asked, a strange lilt to her voice.

I frowned. "I - well, we are classmates, aren't we?" I didn't believe people called their friends by their last name, right? Was I doing it wrong already? Surely not, I mean even I couldn't be that much of a screw-up.

"Yes, Nika," Lily spoke impatiently, "but it's not like you know the boy at all. I mean I know you have the whole 'crush thing'," she even air quoted the last two words, "going on, but you can't honestly expect for it to last, can you?"

"The crush or the friendship thing?" I mumbled. "Because I'm quite discontented to inform you that the crush dates back from our third year and it's still going strong."

Lily seemed a bit distracted by that. "Three years? Really? You've fancied him for that long?"

I felt a bit uncomfortable by how impressed she seemed to be by that fact and that she had guessed I fancied him at all to begin with. "It's not any longer than James has fancied you."

Her face darkened immediately and I knew I overstepped our boundaries as acquaintances. "His last name is Potter, might as well use it. Nobody else at this school does." She turned back to Slughorn and lifted her chin a bit higher.

I grimaced at her antics, but decided to follow her example and try to focus on the lecture at hand.

"All I'm saying, is that you need to be careful with that one," she whispered as she started writing down the recipe that had magically appeared on the blackboard.

As if I didn't already know that, I thought with a sad sigh. I glanced at the two boys again and wondered for what must be the umpteenth time that morning, what their fight was about.

* * *

The Gryffindor common room was a full house that evening. I sat at my usual table in the far corner that gave a clear view of the room, but still hid me from sight pretty well. A lot of theories were going around about what had happened last weekend. Some say that Sirius shagged Lily and that James went ballistic, but that was bullocks. Lily would never date any of the Marauders, with the possible exception of Remus of course. In her eyes Remus was probably the least objectionable of all.

Which I kind of understood from her point of view. Remus was the kind of person you immediately liked. He was kind and had this boy-next-door-look going for him. He usually seemed kind of tormented though, as if he was Atlas himself and the weight of the world threatened to squash him like a bug. Maybe Lily just liked them tormented? If so, she was free to Remus Lupin. From as far as I could tell the lad had never dated anyone, nor had he ever expressed any feelings for any girl whatsoever.

What was up with that by the way? The boys never outright dated anyone, but shagged around plentiful. Not that they were manwhores or anything, none of them were by far that busy in the sack (again as far as I knew of), but Remus was quite the exception of the lot. Whereas James, Sirius and even sometimes Peter were known to be seen with certain girls, there had never been such a rumour going around about Remus.

The Marauders' excuse of not dating had always been plain simple. They didn't have the time to bother with us girls who were the equivalent of a full time day job, which was the kind of commitment they didn't plan on making till they were graduated from Hogwarts. Not my words, but James's.

Of course that could always be thought of as a bit hypocritical since the lad had plenty of time to stalk the magic right out of Lily Evans.

Anyway, I doubt that Lily and Sirius hooking up were the cause of this. No, it must be something else entirely. Another beloved theory of my fellow witches was that a prank had gone wrong. The kind of prank and who it was played on, varied from person to person, but what all theories agreed on was that Sirius had taken the prank too far.

Whatever that meant.

I started ticking my feather on my parchment.

Granted, it was a bit ridiculous how much people gossiped around here, but it wasn't like there was a lot to do around the castle.

I looked up from my musings when I heard a familiar voice rise.

"I don't care, Sirius," James Potter spat, his eyes blazing with the fire from the fireplace they were standing in front of. "I don't care what you say now. Your actions clearly speak louder than any of your bullshit."

"James," I heard Remus quietly intervene.

"You still defend this little piece of-"

"So all of a sudden I'm a little piece of shit?" Sirius asked, standing a bit straighter. His mouth formed a hideous scowl he normally reserved for dueling Slytherins. His fists were balled at either side of him and I wondered if this was going to end in a brawl.

"Please," I heard Remus ask, "not here."

"Shut up, Remus," James snapped, before looking at his ex-best friend. "I don't know who you are anymore and until you can face what it was you did and why you fucking did it, then I don't want to see you anymore."

"Too fucking bad," Sirius spat. "I can't make myself disappear from this blasted school just because you want me too, you tit."

James took a step closer to Sirius. "What did you just call me, Black?"

Sirius seemed to hesitate at the use of his last name, but the anger that was clear in his posture never faded. "I said that you are acting like a tit. Just calling them as I see them."

"I wasn't the one pulling the kind of shit you did last Saturday," James bellowed, making me want to reconsider the whole prank theory again. "I don't even know why we became friends in the first place!"

"Well don't be my friend then," Sirius shouted right back at him. "I don't need you anyway."

"Oh. Is that so? And where are you going to stay over the holidays then? Back to your loving mum and dad?"

"JAMES!" I had never heard Remus Lupin shout, but when he did the whole Common Room died down and waited to listen in quiet anticipation.

If James regretted his last words, he didn't let it show. I had never seen them fight like this, well scratch that. I had never seen them fight this dirty. Invoking the family card was an awful thing to do and, after a quick look around, I figured a lot of the people seemed to agree with me.

"You handle lives like they mean nothing to you," James Potter said the next words quietly, but still loud enough to carry through the room. His next words came out rapidly and cut the silence like a knife. "You're playing God, Sirius Black, just like your family is and I don't need that in my life."

Sirius took a step back at those words and looked as if he had just been kicked in the groin. He said something else, but it was too low for me to hear, before storming out of here.

The Common Room held its breath as the remaining three Marauders stared at each other. Peter with shock clearly written over his face, Remus looked disapproving whereas James radiated exhaustion.

"You shouldn't have said that last bit, James," Remus stated softly.

"Hell if I care anymore," James Potter snarled, before stamping up to their dormitory.

Well, hell indeed. It looked like the metaphorical shit had just hit the fan.


	3. From you I cannot hide

_**A/N: My name, unfortunately, is not J.K. Rowling. Therefore I did not invent this marvelous place called Hogwarts, therefore I have no rights to this story except for the plot and my own characters. **_

_Hey guys!_

_I am just amazed at how many people are already following this fic and reviewing after only two chapters! I don't think I've ever had this many readers so soon! Thank you so much, guys. It really does push me to keep writing! You guys rock!_

_I also had an insane review that both stressed the hell right out of me and made me a giddy schoolgirl at the same time! I just hope I can live up to your expectations and keep on banishing the stereotypical Mary Sue-esque character from my fanfiction. Thank you for your kind words, dear!_

_Anyway here's chapter three! Hope you enjoy, guys!_

_With love,_

_Kelly_

* * *

**Chapter 3**

_And I can't lie_

_From you I cannot hide_

_And I've lost my will to try_

_~ Breathless - The Corrs_

The next morning Sirius sat down next to me without a word. I gave him a weird look, before realizing how serious he actually had been about the whole friends thing. "I thought you were kidding," I finally muttered as I buttered my bread.

He didn't reply and I didn't say anything either. There was nothing I could say really, because let's be real here. I only knew a tad bit more than what the rumour mill knew about the infamous Sirius Black and the Marauders in general. Pranksters. Loyal. Funny. Good shags. Family issues, on Sirius's part. And that was about it, it wasn't much as far as knowledge went.

I didn't really feel like diving into the whole mess right now either. My food was staring me in the face and my stomach was rumbling with an obvious demand for me to eat it. At least my stomach shaming me, brought a small smile to Sirius's face.

It was weird, I thought as I silently ate my breakfast. People were still giving us strange looks, but most of them seemed to steer clear of Sirius today. My guess would be that last night's explosion had already spread through the school like a wildfire and people had drawn their own conclusions. My own dorm mates weren't any different. They had decided that James was usually quite a good judge of character and had made up their minds about what must have happened.

I had been about to berate them, when Lily beat me to the punch. Sometimes that girl really surprises me. Just when you think you know what she was about, at least a little, she suddenly changed course altogether. It was part of what made me like her. She was wild and unpredictable at times, although most people just knew her as a studious and righteous witch. I knew very well how Lily Evans could hold a grudge like nobody's business. A thing we had in common at least.

We ate in silence and I was somehow glad that we did. Sometimes silences are just as enjoyable and memorable as long conversations are. This silence in particular felt heavy with unasked questions and all things unsaid. I knew that Sirius was suffering but I didn't dare ask about it. I mean, honestly. Would you have? I was just glad that I could steal a few moments from fate with my long-time crush, before she took him away again. Which fate undoubtedly would do, because she was a heinous bitch. Trust me on this. We were long time acquaintances after all.

It was only after I had filled my stomach till the point that the mere thought of food made me sick, that Sirius spoke for the first time. "Good morning."

"Hi." That wasn't badly put at all. Bravo, me.

"I'm sorry but I can't really remember. Do you take DADA?" He hadn't looked up from his now empty plate and something inside me broke at the sight of him. He was seriously hurting and I could do nothing about it. I glanced at the other Marauders and found that none of them were sitting in their usual spot. Instead they had taken their seats at the beginning of the table, where the teachers were giving them narrow-eyed looks in obvious mistrust. Well, then.

"I do. I have a free period now, though," I said as I poured another glass of milk for myself. I gently shook the jug back and forward in silent question. Sirius nodded and I poured him a glass too.

"Me too." We were silent again as we sipped from our milk and I tried to batter away the butterflies wreaking havoc in my stomach. Get yourself together, Nika. Seriously, stop it.

"Hey," he suddenly piped up. "Do you wanna do something fun?"

Like make out in an empty broom closet? Doubtful he meant that though. I bit my lip and cocked my head to the side in question.

In answer Sirius stood up, grabbed my hand and pulled me away from the table. I was just quick enough to grab my bag and hop over the bench or I would have fallen flat on my face. Not exactly my definition of fun, but what an exit that would have made.

"Where are we going?" I asked as he took me up a staircase.

"The common room to get some supplies."

"Supplies?" I asked slowly, fearing the worst. "Sirius Black, we're not pulling some prank, are we?"

The mischievous grin he gave me over his shoulder was breathtaking and shut me right up. Which was probably its purpose, now that I think about it. I stopped him in front of the Fat Lady's portrait.

I tried to catch my breath and put up a hand so he'd know I wanted to say something. I mentally went over my speech again and again and only opened my mouth when I felt like I was fully prepared to tackle this thing head on. Whatever it was. "This is insane." Not how my speech went, but I'll take it.

"You'll like it," Sirius promised me, but I shook my head.

"Look, Sirius," I started slowly, "I don't think I want to pull a prank with you."

He blinked at me, but otherwise completely froze as if I had Stupefied him with my words.

I squeezed the hand he was still holding and he let go almost immediately. Way to go, Nika, I thought bitterly. "It's just... This is weird, okay?" I gestured widely around us. "You and me? Going off to play some pranks? You asking me to be your 'new best friend'?" I followed Lily's example and air quoted the two last words. "I know that you want to prove a point to them, but it's not by making me the new James or whatever it is. Come on," I started, realizing that I might as well ruin every chance I had with the lad now that I was at it anyway, "we've had two conversations in six years. Yesterday when you asked me to be your friend and in fourth year when you wanted to know what date it was!

I realize that you don't want anyone to know how hurt you are by this fight," at least that's how I'd feel and something in my gut told me Sirius felt the exact same way, "but I can't replace James, Remus or Peter for you. I'm not like them." Another wild gesture. "I don't like danger and adventure. I don't like pranking people and scaring the magic out of them. I'm just Nika Schmidt."

Sirius didn't say anything for a long time and his face was perfectly blank. He must kick some serious arse in poker, I thought mildly.

Ah who am I kidding. After the whole speech I just gave him, he probably thought I gave a new definition to the word loony. If you looked up loony in the dictionary, my name would probably be next to it. Or at least that's what he was probably thinking at the moment.

When Sirius did speak again, his eyes had a barely contained storm in them. His face opened up when his words tumbled out of his mouth and I realized with shock that I had been right after all. He really was hurting and he was lonely.

I seemed to have a lot of things in common with other people today, I mused breathlessly.

"You're right." His voice low. "I'm sorry for using you, Nika Schmidt." Again with the annoying flutters. "But if you don't mind, I'd like to use you some more?"

I didn't think he got the gist of my speech at all, but the desperate note in his voice stopped me from blurting out whatever sort of nonsense I was about to say. Good thing too, since he continued on after a brief pause.

"I didn't know your name before yesterday, that's true. Although I'm pretty sure the other guys would know it instantly, especially Remus." A small smile formed on his face. "But I'm really bad with recalling names. I remembered your face though. You made quite an impression when Remus made you cry, something the poor lad still feels sorry about." I shifted uncomfortably.

"That wasn't his fault," I mumbled, staring at Sirius's shoes because I liked those better than mine anyway.

He continued on as if I hadn't spoken at all. "You're quiet, you don't have any friends besides Lily Evans that I know of. Nobody knows anything about you and it's like your whole background story is a mystery. You're not like the other girls that only go to the bathroom in pairs or gossip about a mutual friend when that friend's back is turned. Even more importantly you're not one of those girls obsessed with me or my friends. So I may not have known your name till yesterday, but I know enough and that's why I want you to be my friend."

I blinked as I tried to process all of that. "You got all of that out of remembering my face?"

Sirius grinned a bit sheepishly. "I may have guessed some parts," he confessed, "but I got it right, didn't I?"

Yeah, he did, which was what scared and pleased me at the same time. It scared me because it made me want to change my mind about the whole ordeal. Maybe I should just give him a chance? I couldn't even believe how conflicted about it I was in the first place. I mean, really? I had been besotted with the lad for years and now that the golden opportunity arose, I was looking for the catch to bite me in the arse. Because there must be a catch, fate had never treated me kindly and I doubted she was going to start now.

It pleased me too though, because that meant that I hadn't imagined it. Sirius Black was like me and knew me without even _knowing_ me. I sounded desperate even to my own ears, but I just knew that we were the same.

I searched his eyes for the catch, but I couldn't find it. I couldn't find any reason why I shouldn't take the leap anymore. It was like all the objections had just flown out of the window. I was ready for adventure, I thought, feeling like a true Gryffindor for the first time in my life. It was time to leave the coward behind and become something more somehow. Something told me that Sirius Black was the man to guide me through the change.

"Alright," I heard myself say with a giddy lilt to my voice, "who do you want to prank?"

Sirius wide grin and mischievous twinkle in his eyes told me that I was either going to regret this decision or love it.


	4. You're gonna hear me roar

_**A/N: My name, unfortunately, is not J.K. Rowling. Therefore I did not invent this marvelous place called Hogwarts, therefore I have no rights to this story except for the plot and my own characters. **_

_Ola!_

_Although this chapter feels like one big, huge cliché to me, it just had to be done. I am not entirely pleased with it, but hell it's NaNoWriMo. It's not like I have time to revise and rewrite everything_ and_ do my homework_._ Even though I really want to. -sighs dramatically- Anyway this chapter is quite important for Sirius's and Nika's friendship to grow, so bear with me here._

_It physically pains me to have the Marauders fighting, but I'm going to follow the books as accurately as I can. I am thrilled that this story has so manny follows and, yes, I'm going to say that again with every chapter I upload because I'm simply awed. _

_I hope you enjoy this chapter!_

_With love,_

_Kelly_

* * *

**Chapter 4**

_I got the eye of the tiger, a fighter, dancing through the fire_

_Cause I am a champion and you're gonna hear me roar_

_~ Roar - Katy Perry_

"Are you quite sure about this?" I asked Sirius again as we sneaked towards McGonagall's office.

"Positive."

"How positive exactly are you?"

"Pretty damn positive, love, now hush."

I rolled my eyes. Yes, that didn't put me at ease at all. I glared at Sirius's muscled and very masculine back and wondered how it would feel if my hands -

I took a deep breath and tried to calm the most imaginative part of my brain down. This wouldn't do at all and if I didn't put a stop to this, I was going to go mad.

Sirius Black really was hot though, I mused as I took my place at the beginning of the corridor. Apparently I was the look-out and I was to stall McGonagall if she returned early from her class. According to Sirius she was currently teaching the third years so it was rather doubtful, but in comparison to whatever it was Sirius was doing in her office, it seemed the lesser of both crimes.

No matter how hard I tried to distract my mind from him, it always wandered back to the same thoughts. Sirius Black was a beautiful example of the male species and there was no denying. His shaggy black hair was just long enough to fall into his eyes and it barely reached his shoulders. He carefully styled it to look a certain way that reminded me terribly of bed hair. His grey eyes and strong jaw made his face almost painful to look at and gave it a manly shape, whereas his thin lips and fine nose were more elegant.

Sirius Black was a walking contradiction. He had broad shoulders and was well-built, but he moved with grace wherever he went. He never slouched, but whenever he was with his Marauders his stance seemed to relax somewhat. Something his mother would undoubtedly have disapproved of.

I sighed and leaned against the wall. Mild curiousity made me put a spell on the corridor. If anyone came within twenty feet, an alarm would go of near my head wherever I was.

I walked to McGonagall's office and froze as I stared. "Sirius," I hissed.

"Ah, decided to join the party after all, eh? I started to doubt you had the stomach for it," he said cheerfully as he continued hexing every piece of furniture in an awful pink shade.

"She'll have our heads for this," I said urgently, cursing my curiousity to kingdom come. I had been better off not knowing.

Sirius gave me a wink. "Nah, Minerva loves me."

Doubtful.

"Be a little dove and do something creative with the fireplace?" Sirius asked smiling faintly as he added green dots to her pink desk.

I bit my lip and looked at the fireplace. Did I dare? Surely she would find out it was me and then she'd probably give me a month's worth of detention. "Sirius," I sighed.

"I thought you wanted to pull a prank?" he sighed right back, shaking his head ruefully as if he couldn't believe me.

"Yes," I hissed, "on a fellow student, not on our freaking professor!"

He sniggered. "Relax, Nika. Breathe. You're a Gryffindor. If you don't start acting up a little, people are going to look at you funny."

"They are already looking at me funny," I said exasperated, but I turned back to the fireplace anyway. I shook my head and tried to come up with something. In the end I decided to paint it a horrible yellow that clashed terribly with the pink Sirius was throwing around. I hung all sorts of kitten pictures around the room and turned to Sirius, who was giving me a smile of approval.

"There's only one thing missing," he muttered, before going through McGonagall's drawers.

"Sirius," I warned softly, thinking that was taking things a bit too far.

"Ah hush. I'm not going to steal anything," he murmured, before whooping. Yes, whooping. He even did a little jump where his heels touched in midair. The boy was crazy, I'm telling you. "I _knew_ she had one of these."

He was holding a small black box as he walked towards me.

"What are you going to photograph?" I asked him with a little frown, before I got blinded by a flash. I pursed my lips as I tried to blink the black and purple spots away. Damn.

"Ah good, it works," Sirius stated happily, ignoring me completely. He took the photo when it came out of the antique looking camera and put it in one of his pockets.

"Hey!" I said, trying to grab it, but stopped short when he gave me a wolfish grin.

"Come here, sweetheart," he said, before grabbing me around the waist and pulling me to his side. Where his hand seemed to burn through my robes where he touched my hip. I looked up at him and smiled faintly. I laid my head on his shoulder, feeling a little brave after all, and smiled at the camera. I barely heard him counting under his breath, before another flash blinded me.

Sirius let go of me and I found that I was missing his touch already. Honestly, Nika, I admonished myself sternly. I was turning into one of those sappy fangirls, wasn't I?

I grabbed the picture from the camera before he could and studied it. Sirius was smiling broadly at the camera and I looked perfectly at ease. I duplicated it and put it in my robe. That was one to show the grandkids. "Look who grandma was friends with, children. Oh yes, he was quite handsome, was he not? Good kisser too." Well, I was pretty sure he was anyway. Not that I was ever going to find out.

To my surprise Sirius duplicated a copy for himself as well, before he turned to the fireplace. "Engorgio," I heard him whisper and the original picture enlarged. He used his wand to stick it against the chimney and gave me a brilliant smile.

"Is that wise?" I asked him a bit worried. That was even worse than leaving our signatures behind. What was it that Muggles said? A picture says a thousand words?

"Probably not," Sirius laughed, "but it sure as hell is fun."

As horrible as it was, I couldn't even deny it. For I did have a little fun.

* * *

After I lifted the spell, Sirius took me to our next class. We waited outside of the classroom and Sirius gave me an excited grin. "I wonder how long it will take for her to find our little present."

I laughed at how much like a little boy he sounded. "We'll know soon enough," I assured him which earned me another quick smile from him.

"This was the first time you pulled off a thing like that, wasn't it?" Sirius asked me, suddenly a lot more intense and serious than he had been before.

I shrugged. "What gave me away?" I asked as I made my face form a sweet little smile. It was surprisingly easy to behave in such a friendly manner with Sirius Black and I actually quite enjoyed coming out of my shell for him. Was this how it started? The growing up bit?

Sirius chuckled. "Your nerves may have given you away a little bit."

"Damn and here I thought I was being inconspicuous about it," I muttered playfully.

He laughed again and nudged me in the side. I shrieked, surprising even myself, and jumped away. I tried to stifle a giggle, but Sirius's interest had already been awakened.

"What was that, Schmidt?" he asked me, advancing like a tiger would its prey.

I carefully took a step backward. "Nothing," I said quickly, grabbing my bag and holding it in front of me as some sort of protection. I didn't like the mischievous twinkle in his eyes at all.

Wow. I stilled for a second. I had never thought that before. I flashed a smile. Progress at last.

Sirius seemed to take the smile as encouragement as he kept on advancing. I shook my head when he nodded his head slowly. "You're ticklish, aren't you?"

I hadn't even known till a few moments ago, to be honest. Nobody had ever really taken the time to find out. "No," I breathed, anticipation pumping through my veins like a drug.

He jumped me and I threw my bag to the side. He grabbed me around the waste and tried to tickle me. I tried to push his hands away as I giggled insanely. "Stop it!" I got a hold on his hands and tried to stop them from attacking my body, but the boy was strong. It's all those muscles you were admiring earlier, my mind told me a bit sourly.

I turned my back toward him, wondering if that would be an easier way to push him away. My body felt like it was on fire, but I didn't pay any attention to it this time. My goal was to free myself from Sirius's hands (more progress!) and I was going to damn well succeed too.

Sirius, on the other hand, didn't seem to agree with my motion. His body surrounded me and I realized how bad of a decision maker I really was.

That was the position James Potter and the fellow Marauders found us in when they arrived. I immediately jumped away from Sirius and this time he let me.

"Glad you seem to be enjoying yourself, Sirius."

Sirius gave a sigh. "Honestly, Prongs," he started, but stopped at the shake of Peter's head.

I went to pick up my bag and stared between the two, before I went to stand next to Sirius. I may not know what this fight was all about, but I could at least show some mental support.

James didn't miss it either. "It's Nika, right?" he asked me slowly, exchanging glances with Remus.

"Yes," I replied calmly, noticing from the corner of my eye that Sirius was shaking in anger. Oh dear.

"Why are you hanging around with Sirius?" It was meant to sound condescending and suspicious, but I noticed something there. A little trace of concern, perhaps? I didn't really know for sure. James's face had morphed back into a poker face and the sentence had been too short to analyze anyway.

I vaguely wondered how I got myself into this mess, before opening my mouth to defend my new friend. "The question is, why aren't you? Aren't you lot supposed to be best friends? The big pranksters," I made another one of my infamous big gestures, "together till the end? You even have weird animalistic nicknames for each other. I don't know what's going on between you or what happened last Saturday, but you need to sort it out. And you need to do it quickly."

James gave me a confused look and I slightly worried that I was overstepping my boundaries. It wasn't any of my business and I was a fool to try and fix their friendship, because then I'd end up alone again. Ugh, listen to me. I spent one hour with Sirius Black and I already thought we really were close friends. Maybe I should skip this class and take a quick shower, I reeked of desperation.

But on the other hand, how could I not try to fix it? It was obviously paining Sirius to be parted from his friends and it was better if I was all alone again. Safer, anyway.

It was so, so hard to put those thoughts into action. Especially when a part of you didn't want to.

"Getting tired of me already, love?" Sirius asked, smirking slightly.

"Merlin, yes. Please go away," I said, making a shooing motion.

His smirk only grew larger and I smiled. He gave me a tiny nod in gratitude and I shrugged. It wasn't like what I said hadn't been true.

"You wouldn't defend him if you knew what he had done," James accused, giving Sirius a glare in the process.

I studied his face for a moment, before asking the group quietly: "Did he torture someone?"

James swiveled his head towards me and seemed frozen in time. In the end it was Remus who answered. "No, he did not."

"Then did he kill someone?"

James seemed to reawaken at that. "No, but-"

"Did he use an Unforgiveable on anyone?" I asked again a bit tiredly and continued on when they remained silent. "You need to sort this out, boys. Because I know a lot of people who would kill for the kind of friendship you have and it seems a waste to throw it all away."

Remus shook his head. "You don't get it," he said reluctantly. "I understand what you are saying, but it isn't that easy."

"I already said that I was sorry," Sirius interrupted finally, taking over the lead. "I can't turn back time, what else do you want from me?"

"It's not us you need to apologize to, Padfoot," Remus muttered tiredly.

James balled his fists and his face turned a bright red that I had to admire. He even pulled that off, which was amazing. Was it a requirement to be dashingly good looking to be a part of their little clique? Nah, I thought. That didn't explain Peter since his looks were average at best. "Like hell he doesn't. You owe Moony a million apologies, Sirius, and you owe Snivellus at least twice that."

Snivellus?

Sirius opened his mouth to retort something that undoubtedly would make the situation worse in a matter of seconds, when his and mine name were bellowed through the corridor.

"I think she found out," I managed to say, before an angry McGonagall grabbed our arms and pulled us after her.

So, _so_ regretting this whole mess, but at least I had given the boys something to think about. Right?


	5. I think I love you better now

_**A/N: My name, unfortunately, is not J.K. Rowling. Therefore I did not invent this marvelous place called Hogwarts, therefore I have no rights to this story except for the plot and my own characters. **_

_Hi guys,_

_This one is a bit of a filler, I'm afraid. Sirius doesn't appear in this one at all, but we do get to know Lily a bit better._

_I know this isn't how people generally portray her, but it's how I always imagined her to be._

_Hope you like!_

_With love,_

_Kelly_

* * *

**Chapter 5**

_I'll pick you up when you're getting down_  
_ and of all these things I've done I think I love you better now_  
_ ~ Give Me Love - Ed Sheeran_

I woke in a sweat, still shivering from the nightmare. I pulled open my curtains and stumbled out of bed. I blindly made my way to the bathroom and nearly had a heart attack when a voice spoke up.

"You were moaning again, Nika," Lily Evans said quietly, before lighting the room with a lumos spell. Her eyes had always been too wise for her age, I thought as I moved my hands up and down my arms in hopes of getting warm again. "Are you okay?"

This wasn't the first time she'd asked me that after one of my nightmares. I used to feel guilty about waking her up every now and then, but the other girls never seemed bothered by my dreams. I had concluded that Lily Evans was an exceptionally light sleeper and had left it at that. I had never answered any of her intruding questions about what my dreams were about and in our second year she finally stopped asking.

My nightmares didn't occur every night, but they were a regular thing for me ever since I was eleven. "I'm fine," I mumbled, before continuing my way to the bathroom. I did my business and waited a little, assuming that Lily would go to bed again. When her light never dimmed down, I gave a faint sigh and rubbed my eyes. Well it wasn't to be avoided, I suppose. I opened the bathroom door and moved back into our dorm.

"Come sit here for a moment, Nika. I'd like to talk, if you don't mind," Lily asked politely.

I hesitated but went to sit on her bed anyway. She drew the curtains closed and gave me a wan smile. "How are you really?"

I shrugged. "I'm the same as always," I assured her, but her smile fell off her face while I spoke.

"You know I worry about you, right?" Lily whispered, grabbing my hand and squeezing it. I looked at our hands and smiled faintly.

"I know you do, Lily," I whispered back, squeezing her hand again. "I don't get why you do though. We're not even friends."

She hesitated for a moment and bit her lip as she seemed to mull over her next words. "You really don't, do you?" she said in the end, continuing when she saw my confused look. "You don't get why people would worry or care about you. I, for one, don't think it strange at all that Sirius Black chose you to befriend."

I felt a blush creep on my face. "That's very kind of you to say, Lily, but-"

"No," she interrupted, shaking her head, "no buts. I don't know what happened to make you so timid when that's obviously not your natural state. Don't give me that funny look either, Nika. I've heard you mutter under your breath when you thought nobody could hear your sarcastic remarks."

"Sarcasm does not equal a wild spirit," I pointed out, shifting uncomfortably on her bed.

Lily's smile widened when she saw. "No, it doesn't and that's not what I meant at all. I'm just saying that you've been avoiding people for six years now and I don't know why you keep isolating yourself. Surely you must be lonely?"

I don't know what it was that made me decide to open up a bit. Maybe it was Lily's hopeful smile or maybe it was the desperate look in her eyes that made me want to comfort her. Whatever it was, it made the words tumble out of my mouth before I could stop it. "It does get lonely at times," I agreed.

What was it with people psycho-analyzing me these days anyway?

Lily stared at our hands and didn't look up for a long time. I had no idea what was going through her mind right now, but it was obvious that she had nobody to talk to about it. She and Snape were still fighting and didn't seem like that would be resolved any time soon. For as far as I knew Lily had no other confidantes, since most girls felt incredibly intimidated by her.

Lily was the kind of girl that didn't even know how beautiful she was. She seemed out spoken and a big know it all, but the only person I had ever seen her act like that with was James Potter. Somehow he seemed to bring out the worst in her every time and that gave Lily quite a reputation as a spoilsport.

I felt sorry for her, I realized. "Are _you_ okay, Lily?" I asked her quietly, wondering how I could help her through this.

A tear ran down her cheek and I froze. Well, shit. This was one of those awkward friend situations that I had no idea how to handle. Did I pat her? Where did I pat her? On her head? Maybe on her shoulder? Did I cry with her? Did I hug her?

In the end I decided to just lamely squeeze her hand again. I seemed to have done well, because Lily squeezed my hand right back.

"I know," she started, but stopped. She took a deep breath and continued staring at our hands. "I know you don't think of me as a friend and that's okay. I mean it's just who you are," she whispered, "but it seems like you're getting over your aversion of other people and I was kind of hoping that it wasn't only Sirius you tolerate. I know that you have this mad and insane crush on the lad that I will probably never understand, I just-" She stopped again and barely contained a sob.

I stared at her, feeling my stomach plummet. Did I do that? "Lily," I started softly, "I have no aversion to you or to anyone else. I'm just a little bit of a loner... If I would ever have to name a friend, it would be you." I had always thought of Lily as an acquaintance, that's true. But when I really thought about it, she was the only person I spoke to on a regular basis. She was the only person who seemed to really care that I was doing okay and, well, I genuinely liked the girl. She had it tough, but always managed to come out on top in the end.

"Really?" she asked slowly, before blinking. "Oh. Well, I had prepared this whole speech why I want you to be my friend, but if that's not necessary I'll spare myself the embarrassment." She gave a shaky laugh and let go of my hand to wipe away her tears.

"Lily," I said unsure of myself and this whole situation. She too wanted to be my friend? I wasn't just going to be another replacement, was I? "I had no idea this made you so sad?" I doubted it was only my so called "aversion" to friendship that had made her cry, but I thought I'd better ask. Just to be safe.

"I'm - it's not why I'm so sad," she admitted, giving me a wan smile despite her words.

She looked away to her nightstand, where until the summer before a picture of her and Severus Snape had stood. "This is about Snape?" I guessed.

Lily shrugged. "He was my best friend for so long, you know. It's like I'm in an everlasting free fall now that I don't have him anymore."

I decided now was probably the appropriate time to give her a hug. I went to sit right next to her and awkwardly pulled her closer to me. She laid her head on my shoulder and sniffled a little. "I'm sorry that you don't have your best friend."

Lily gave a harsh laugh that ended in a half sob. "I haven't had my best friend for over a year," she finally admitted. "He's... I don't know what happened to him, where my Severus has gone. He's into some really bad things and I worry about him. He never called anyone a- a you-know-what before and then he slapped me in the face with that word." Mudblood, I thought in distaste. If James hadn't hexed the hell out of him for that, I think I might have. "He started idolizing the older Slytherins and he just changed."

"He started behaving more like a Slytherin," I murmured, rubbing her arm comfortingly.

She sat up suddenly, looking at me with a fire in her eyes that surprised me. "It's not just that!" she exclaimed. "It's like the Dark Arts started interesting him more than people. He doesn't care about anyone's feelings and he became so, so selfish," she spat.

It still sounded an awful lot like typical Slytherin behaviour, I thought a bit sadly.

"Maybe," I mildly said, "he has always been this way, but your eyes only recently opened?"

She mulled that over for a second. "Maybe," she murmured. She shook her head and gave me another look. "I heard you were called to McGonagall's office this morning."

Ah, change of subject. "Dragged is more like it," I muttered, still a bit upset by the whole thing.

"Why was that?" Lily asked me slowly, assessing me as if she feared the worst and that I too had joined the dark side.

I hesitated for a second, before shrugging. I doubted that Lily would tattle on us, but even if she did... I had already received my punishment so it's not like it could get any worse, right? I told her what we had done and Lily surprised me the second time that night by giggling a little. "You hung your picture above her fireplace?" she asked with a small smile. "What did she do when she found out?"

"Sirius and I have detention for about a month now."

Lily grinned at that. "Some alone time with him then?" she said, waggling her eyebrows. It seemed like her mood had completely changed and I couldn't help but smile at her.

"I thought you didn't approve?"

She waved my words away. "I still don't, but every girl needs some romance in her life."

"I'd hardly call this a romance," I reminded her. "I'm just here till he makes up with James and then he'll probably forget all about me."

Lily frowned at me. "Why don't you even sound sad?"

I shrugged. "Might be better that way," I said quietly. I didn't really want to get into this now. Secretly I longed for my bed and wondered if it would be rude if I cut the conversation short.

"One day you and I are going to have a long chat about all of your issues," Lily muttered a bit darkly.

I huffed at that. Yes, as if. I decided to just wing it. "I'm going back to bed," I announced, opening the curtains and moving back to my own bed.

"Nika?" Lily asked when I was warmly tucked in again.

"Hm?" I whispered back, wondering how the others had just slept through all of that. My whole world seemed to have changed in one conversation, but they hadn't even noticed.

"Thanks for listening."

"Any time, Lily. Good night."

"Good night."

Apparently I wasn't as friendless as I thought. I fell asleep quickly after that.


	6. The wonderful games you play

_**A/N: My name, unfortunately, is not J.K. Rowling. Therefore I did not invent this marvelous place called Hogwarts, therefore I have no rights to this story except for the plot and my own characters. **_

_Hi guys,_

_Not really sure about this chapter, but it wouldn't let me write it any differently. Meh. On the bright side; lots of Sirius today!_

_Hope you enjoy and let me know what you think!_

_With love,_

_Kelly_

* * *

**Chapter 6**_  
__Fill me up with the glorious words you say_

_Make me part of the wonderful games you play_

_~Faster - Sofi De La Torre_

I came to expect Sirius during breakfast and smiled when he showed up next to me the next morning. "Good morning," he greeted me with a brilliant smile that took me by surprise.

"Morning," I said, waving my toast a little.

Sirius's smile only widened. "I have to thank you, love."

I blinked. "Whave fo?"

"I didn't quite catch that," Sirius said with an amused smirk.

I felt myself blush and swallowed my food. Ahem. Good work, Nika. He's so going to fall in love with you now, you daft witch. "I said, whatever for?"

Sirius grabbed a jug of water and filled a glass. "Because James is speaking to me again on a normal, bearable tone." He seemed so genuinely happy that I half expected him to wag his tail. "And I just wanted to say thank you for sticking up for me even though you barely know me."

I blinked again and wondered if everybody else in this school knew how much of a sweetheart Sirius Black really was. "You don't have to thank me for that."

He just grinned before wolfing down his breakfast. Well, then.

I was about to ask him what they were fighting about, when two Ravenclaws joined us. The blonde sat down between Sirius and myself and I closed my mouth before a broomstick flew in. What?

I stared wide-eyed as she started playing with his hair and gave his earlobe a little bite. "Hey," she purred.

"Morning, beautiful," Sirius with a mouthful. Well then, how is it that he can still articulate, but when I do that I turn into a muttering idiot?

"I just wanted," a kiss in his neck, "to thank you for," another kiss on his jaw, "last night," she whispered seductively.

Her friend sat down on my other side and gave me a smug look. "Hey, how are you?"

Getting worse by the minute, I thought as I watched how they were currently devouring each other right next to me. My appetite was gone and I threw my toast down on my plate. "Never better." I was somewhat content that my voice didn't even quiver. Stupid, girl, I sneered, what did you expect?

"I'm Eva," the brunette said, before nodding to her friend, "and that's Sheila."

Yeah, she looked like a Sheila alright, I thought cattily. "Nice meeting you," I mumbled.

"The pleasure is all mine, I assure you." Eva looked so smug that I wondered how she'd wear that look with milk pouring down her hair. I would have done it too if Lily hadn't given me a shake of her head from five seats over. Why hadn't she been the one to sit down next to us? Honestly, why was my luck so rotten? Had I been Grindelwald in a previous life or something? Did I murder thousands of little children?

What was it?!

"So," she drawled, "what's the story here?"

"What story?" I tried to give Lily a desperate look, but she seemed quite caught up in her reading material.

Rotten luck, I'm telling you.

"The story of Sirius and you of course. Are you two shagging?" The question was asked so bluntly and shamelessly that I turned a tomato red. A lovely colour on me, I'm sure. How dare she ask me a thing like that though? Especially when her friend was currently trying to eat Sirius's tongue?

"I don't see how that's any of your business," I said quietly, barely containing my anger. "Ah, if it's hurting my friend I think it is my business."

I rolled my eyes. I was torn. I wanted to speak my mind, but then again I was wondering if being quiet in situations like this was a habit I maybe shouldn't break? Whatever, her smug look was getting to me too much to just let it fly. "Eva, was it?" I asked, just to be a bit of a cow. "If I was shagging the lad, I doubt he'd need another girl on the side." I smiled at her sweetly. "The fact that you suspect him of sleeping around on your friend, just tells me that she's doing something wrong in the sack, now isn't she?"

I heard a couple of people snigger around me and with that I stood up. I didn't even look at Sirius or the two Ravenclaws, but just walked right out of there. Lily caught up with me right outside the Great Hall.

"What was that?" she asked me wide-eyed.

"My temper, I fear," I muttered, already regretting saying such a thing. Surely rumours about Sirius and me would start going around now? I should have just ignored her and kept my head down. I never should have said yes to Sirius that first day.

Next time I'm just going to trust my instincts and keep quiet, I silently vowed. "How do they handle it though?"

"How does who handle what?"

"Those girlfriends of theirs. How do they handle the dirty looks, the verbal stabbing and the overall shunning?"

Lily shrugged. "I don't know, but they're not really their girlfriends. I think there has to be some kind of emotional connection before you can call yourself a couple."

I mulled that over, before shaking my head. "I disagree. I don't think there's such a thing as a definition of what makes people a couple. I think shagging exclusively suffices."

"I doubt they're shagging those girls exclusively," Lily said with a little laugh.

She did have a point. "But why even go through it then? If you know they're sleeping around on you anyway? Why tolerate all the backstabbing and the nasty rumours?"

Lily gave me a pitying look. "Can you honestly tell me that you wouldn't date him if you had the chance?"

This I could answer honestly at least. "Yes, because I wouldn't. But this wasn't about me."

"Like Merlin's underwear it wasn't!" Lily nudged me in the side. "I thought you were going to hit Eva at a certain point."

"I might have thought about throwing my milk in her face," I confessed sheepishly. I could at least be proud that I hadn't done _that._ People surely would have talked then.

Lily laughed. "I'm glad you didn't. That would only have made the situation worse."

"Yes," I said and repeated Sirius's words from yesterday morning, "but it sure would have been fun."

* * *

"That was hilarious," Sirius said as he sat across from me. He grabbed the book I was reading and pulled it towards him. He closed it and looked at the cover. "Why are you reading this?" he asked, reading the synopsis with a little frown on his face.

"What was hilarious?" I asked him, before snatching the book from his grasp again. I opened it at the page I was at and went back to reading.

Sirius pouted. "I was reading that."

"Get your own." I didn't even look up from my book as I spoke. I was a bit fed up with the lad and I couldn't help but show it. I didn't understand how he could just use people like that or how he could use people like that as I was eating my freaking breakfast.

Okay. So maybe I was a bit jealous and maybe I needed to work on my issues, but what they did was outright distasteful!

Sirius was quiet for a second, before filling the silence again. "Your speech to Eva was quite humorous," Sirius chuckled. He started tapping the table in a restless rhythm and I couldn't help but wonder if he ever sat still at all.

Sirius was the kind of lad that always had to be moving, doing something or he'd go mad. Usually I liked watching him being restless and pulling pranks when he was bored, but not today.

"I was insulting your girlfriend. How can you possibly find that funny?" I stubbornly read another paragraph even though I desperately wanted to look up and see his reaction. To be honest, I had no idea what I was reading anymore, but it was a good distraction.

"It's not you insulting my girlfriend that I found funny, although I really would prefer it if you didn't call her that..."

"Then what do you call her?"

"Sarah?"

My eyes found his over my book. "Her name's Sheila, Sirius."

He grinned. "Well aware, but it got you to look up, didn't it?"

I shook my head and went back to my book.

He laughed silently and I wished I was as confident as he was. Here I was, obviously ignoring him, yet he just kept on going. Clearly not giving a damn about my behaviour as he tried to coax me out of my shell even more.

"I kind of like it when you get irritated, you know."

"That's messed up," I told him evenly, wondering why he liked it when I got upset. He wasn't one of those guys with weird fetishes, was he? I mean, I had never noticed that about him before, but those kind of lads were known for being secretive.

"Don't I know it," I heard him mutter, before he kicked my leg under the table. "Why are you in the library anyway?" he prodded, ignoring the hush sounds several students were making.

"It's a place of reading. I come here to read."

"How very original of you, I'm sure."

"I try."

I heard him laugh a little and couldn't help but smile myself. I tried to hide it behind my book, but he noticed.

"Is that a smile I spot there, Miss Schmidt?"

"No, sir, you must be hallucinating."

"I don't think that smiling is all you'd be doing if I was hallucinating this," Sirius teased.

I looked up in shock and felt my mouth fall open. "Sirius Black!" I gasped, feeling how a blush dominated my face. He couldn't mean that, could he?

He started laughing hysterically and I kicked his chair. Of course he couldn't. Prat.

"You're a horrible person," I berated him, trying to will the blush away.

"You're just mad because you can't stay angry at me," he teased, waggling his eyebrows at me. "Can't say I blame you, though. Who could stay mad at this." He gestured down his body and I shook my head with a smile.

"You're unbelievable."

Sirius put his arms on the table and laid his head on them, staring at me unabashedly. "What do you say we leave this place and do something fun?"

I put my book down and gave him a stern look. "No, you're not pulling me along in any more pranks."

Sirius grinned widely. "Who said anything about pulling pranks, love?"

Oh, to hell with it all. "Okay. I'm in."


	7. My heart is pierced by Cupid

_**A/N: My name, unfortunately, is not J.K. Rowling. Therefore I did not invent this marvelous place called Hogwarts, therefore I have no rights to this story except for the plot and my own characters. **_

_Bonjour mes chères,_

_This is such a flirty chapter and I hadn't really anticipated writing it, but it did give me a perfect opening to write a scene I've been thinking about these past few days. The next few chapters are gonna be heavy and will definitely decide if you like Nika (and this story). So I'm stressed out, damn tired from exploring Brussels all day and super excited because I'm actually quite fond of Sirius in this chapter. His such a boy here :'D_

_I can't believe how nice and sweet you're all being to me. I love the advice you give and just the random exclamations you make while invoking Merlin's name. You guys rock and I couldn't have asked for better readers._

_Thank you._

_I'm not sure if I'll be able to upload this weekend though. I've been invited to spend the weekend at my grandparents's since my little cousin is visiting. (She only comes around about twice a year, so I'm really tempted to go!) So don't be alarmed if I don't upload for a few days. Just remember that I'll owe you four new chapters on Monday ;)_

_With love,_

_Kelly_

* * *

**Chapter 7**

_My heart is pierced by Cupid, I disdain all glittering gold,_  
_ There is nothing that can console me but my jolly sailor bold._

_~My Jolly Sailor Bold - POTC OST_

I glared at Sirius's ass. Damn him. "Why are we here again?" I asked his ass in harsh tones, as I crawled after him.

"Be a dove and lower your voice," I heard him whisper back at me.

What kind of a sentence was that anyway. I didn't want to be a dove. Doves smelled. Terribly. I frowned at his ass and wondered why I had let him go in first again.

"This is ridiculous," I hissed, lowering my voice nonetheless.

"Hush."

"Sirius."

"Hush."

"But-"

"Damn, woman, hush," he snapped.

I glared even harder, before deciding that I had had enough. I pulled his leg so he fell flat on his stomach. "You're going to tell me why we're crawling through a corridor after curfew or I'm going to sit on you until you do. Your choice."

I heard Sirius chuckle softly. "You may have heard that I'm fighting with my best mates."

"Yes," I acknowledged impatiently.

"Yes well," Sirius muttered, rolling around so he was lying on his back, "I'm trying to please James a little."

"By crawling on the ground?" I asked him disbelievingly.

"In a way." He rolled around again and started crawling once more.

"Sirius Black, why are we crawling on the floor?" I asked him again, just pulling him on the ground again.

"Like I told you, I want to make amends with James," he said, a tone of anger richening his voice.

"Like I asked before, by crawling on the ground? Where are we crawling to and why can't we walk through the corridor like a normal person?" I was seriously starting to lose my patience with this boy and if I had to stare at his ass for much longer I was either going to jump it or smack it in annoyance.

And I wasn't entirely sure which option would be more objectionable.

Sirius whispered something that I was pretty sure I didn't want to know, since it sounded suspiciously like a curse of some sort. "You're really annoying sometimes," he snapped. He shook his head and sighed. "Look, you'll see okay? Can't you just trust me?"

Well, I'm sure that I could, but I doubted that I wanted to. I was mulling it all over, when the idiot started crawling again. I rolled my eyes and decided that I was _so_ done with this. I pulled his leg from under him and decided to honour my previous threat. I crawled over his body without so much as a thought and sat down on his back. "Well then," I spoke angrily, as Sirius stilled below me, "I thought you said we weren't going to prank anyone!"

"You know, love, you really need to think about blindly taking a leap of faith when it comes to handsome devils such as myself."

I poked his side. "What are we doing," I prodded.

"We were previously crawling," Sirius muttered darkly, trying to inch away from my poking finger, but finding himself unable to because of my weight.

I grinned triumphantly at that. Ha! The mighty Sirius Black with the gorgeous ass had been conquered by none other than myself, I thought smugly.

"Yes, I think we've established that," I snapped, crossing my arms in disgust. Why couldn't he just tell me what the deal was? Why was I always so light minded around the bloody sod? I mean, sure I may have a tiny, little crush on him, but that surely didn't mean that I had no mind of my own anymore? Surely that was not how things worked?

There were some pretty healthy marriages out there, I thought grimly. Maybe what you're doing right now, isn't that healthy at all. Maybe it's you who needs to change.

I closed my eyes and pinched my nose as I felt the start of a migraine come on. Let's face it, I thought a bit miserably. I was crushing on a guy who, until a few days ago, had never even thought of me twice when he saw me. He was currently 'dating' someone and here I was, lusting after him as I literally crawled on my hands and knees after the guy. Pathetic, is what it was.

"Just tell me," I asked, hating the begging quality my voice took. The word echoed through my brain: pathetic.

Sirius hesitated, before he completely relaxed. I stared anxiously at the back of his head, not trusting him one bit.

My distrust was proven wise, when he swiftly rolled us around, so he was the one on top and I was facing the ground. I huffed and puffed and tried to throw him off, but to no avail. The man had me pressed into the ground and unfortunately for me, this wasn't the usual missionary position either. Meh.

"You know what," Sirius whispered into my ear, "I'll tell you what I have planned."

I felt a blush rise and silently cursed myself there and back again. Why hadn't I just let things be? I would have found out where we were headed when we got there. Why did I just have to crawl on the poor lad like some bloody minx?

Pathetic. Pathetic.

And I needed for my behaviour to end desperately. I wasn't going to be one of those girls led by her feelings for some random bloke instead of ruled by her head.

No matter how logical my mental speech sounded and no matter how much I agreed to it, I didn't seem to be able to move at all. I was frozen in place and was insanely grateful that I hadn't been born a guy, because this situation would have gotten a lot more awkward quickly. "Well," my hoarse voice creaked, "what do you have planned then?"

Merlin, if you're listening, please let it be involving a bed. Please.

Pathetic, pathetic, pathetic.

"You know how James is completely, utterly and wholly obsessed with a certain redhead you're somewhat fond of as well?" Sirius whispered, his lips caressing my right ear as if he had every right to do so.

And he really did. "I like Lily, yes." My voice broke on the last word. I just wanted him to get off me right now, before my brain stopped functioning. Damn that lad.

"It got me thinking today." He continued his assault on my ear shamelessly.

Okay, so maybe he wasn't doing much more than whispering a bit too closely to my ear, but still.

Was it weird for me to wonder if this had a hidden meaning? Maybe he really was flirting with me because he liked me? Maybe a little? No?

Pathetic, pathetic.

"That's never a good thing," I managed to squeak.

The bastard sounded smug when he spoke again. "I was wondering if maybe I could find out her latest hiding spot, so James could court her there."

"You mean stalk." I inhaled sharply as he moved his hips a little.

Was he doing this on purpose?

He chuckled. Of course he was.

Damn him.

"I don't really desire to know what it is you two are planning on doing tonight," a soft voice spoke from behind us, "but I would be ever grateful if you could postpone your plans."

If I hadn't been frozen before, I definitely was now. I knew that voice, I thought reddening even more, if that was even possible.

It seemed like Sirius recognized Dumbledore's voice as well, since he immediately rolled off me. I didn't have it in my to turn around and face the embarrassment of a professor catching me like this, but had to eventually.

"Thank you," Dumbledore said graciously, but what he was really feeling was all in his eyes.

You see Professor Albus Dumbledore had one of the most expressive pair of eyes I had ever seen in my life. They could twinkle when he felt amused, but could flame up in anger when you crossed a line. Not that I had seen that look often, mind you. Dumbledore's lines were quite a more difficult to cross than those of other professors in this place. Anyway as I was saying, the professor's eyes had an uncanny way of looking right through you and I felt that that was what he was doing right now.

"Sorry, professor," Sirius Black grinned shamelessly, "I was just teasing her a little bit."

The professor's eyes laughed good humouredly as he studied the ruin and love of my life. "Yes, Mr. Black, I am well aware of what you were doing."

Sirius's grin turned wolfishly and he gave me a wink.

I wished I had something to throw at his head. "Twat," I whispered harshly.

His grin only widened. I turned back to the good old professor and cringed when he shook his head at me.

I was also quite familiar with the look in his eyes right now. It was the we-desperately-need-to-talk-about-things-look.

"I've heard you've been quite the busy young lady, Miss Schmidt," Dumbledore said mildly offering me a hand to pull me up.

I hesitated for a second, not sure if I wanted an old man helping me up and causing him to break his back. In the end I took his hand, but didn't put any of my weight on it as I got on my feet. "I'm sorry, professor," I said, a tad bit ashamed by it all.

It sure as hell wasn't the kind of behaviour Dumbledore was used of me and I just hoped he wouldn't call in the cavalry over it.

"To be fair, professor, it wasn't all her fault really," Sirius offered, getting up on his feet as well. "I might have forced her to do that prank with me."

My eyes snapped to his and I frowned. He had done no such thing. I had gone with him into that office of my own, free will and I didn't doubt that Dumbledore knew that too.

"Your words are admirable, Mr Black, but unnecessary. I am well aware of what happened in that office. However it is not what I wished to discuss with Miss Schmidt tonight. I assure you that she is in no trouble other than her already assigned detentions, Mr Black. Now, Miss Schmidt, if you would be so kind to follow me to my office?"

I stared at the ground as I passed Sirius. I didn't think it was a good thing at all, considering that my appointment with Dumbledore wasn't scheduled until later this week.

I heard Sirius call that he'll wait for me in the common room and saw Dumbledore's shoulders twitch a little bit.

Yeah, this wasn't good at all.


	8. Stars fade away

_**A/N: My name, unfortunately, is not J.K. Rowling. Therefore I did not invent this marvelous place called Hogwarts, therefore I have no rights to this story except for the plot and my own characters. **_

_Hi,_

_So I know I promised you two chapters tonight, but I'm afraid that won't be possible. I wrote this when my cousin was in the shower and we're going out for the night, so this chapter is all that I'll be able to upload for now. Since I had to write it in such a hurry, it's not as spectacular and deep as I imagined it to be. I even think I hurried things a bit too much, but still. You'll get the gist of it and when I rewrite this story someday I might not get it just right either. Sometimes there's just nothing you can do when the scenes in your head refuse to be caught on paper. Oh, well._

_Thanks for your support guys and even thank you for the panicked and disgruntled messages when I didn't upload. It shows that you like this story and I hope that you'll continue to do so. (Write reviews and enjoy this story, both!)_

_Let me know what you think about this chapter!_

_With love,_

_Kelly_

* * *

**Chapter 8**

_Stars fade away they just crash into space _  
_Disappear from the light like you and I _

_ ~ Undone - Haley Reinhart_

I followed Dumbledore into his ginormous office and couldn't help but be a little awed by it still. I could only wish that, whatever my profession turned out to be, it came with an office exactly like this. The portraits of headmasters past were hanging on the wall, giving you unwanted advice whenever they felt like it.

They looked majestical in their place against the wall and I wondered if Dumbledore would ever be hung aside them.

The portraits aside, I've always liked the atmosphere in the room. I patted Fawkes on the head and was glad to see that the bird looked healthy enough. I once saw him combust into flames and cried for nearly an hour. It was always sad to see any creature die, but somehow his death got to me more than others. I sat down in my usual chair and looked at Dumbledore with dread. I really wasn't looking forward to this conversation.

"So, how have you been, Nika?" Dumbledore asked me as he sat down in front of me, behind his large, oak desk. His eyes studied me from over his glasses and

I shifted uncomfortably in my own chair.

"I've been okay," I replied, studying the papers on his desk with much more interest than they probably deserved.

Dumbledore didn't even make a move to hide them from sight or to take them away. "I've heard a lot about you this past week."

I licked my lips. "Oh."

"Yes. It seems that you have befriended the young Mr. Black?"

I pursed my lips. I didn't want to talk about Sirius.

"Let me ask you something, Nika." I felt my heart sink and pool somewhere around my toes. This really didn't sound good, now did it? "Do you remember what Doctor Greene told you last year?"

I mumbled an affirmative. Dr. Greene was my psychiatrist, assigned to me by St. Mungo's. You could say that we had some sort of history, considering that Dr. Greene had been with me ever since my parents died when I was eleven.

"Would you be so kind to remind me of what it was? Old men and their memories, you know how it is," Dumbledore said with a smile and a nonchalant shrug that I wasn't buying at all. Old men and their memories, right.

I cleared my throat. "Greene said that it wasn't healthy for me to seek out others I think are like me. I should be my own person and deal with my history in my own way and preferably by myself. It is not that I am not allowed to make friends or talk about it with said friends, but at the end of the day it is me who has to be able to deal with my own demons."

Dumbledore gave me another one of his kind looks. "You certainly know the speech by heart. Would you care to tell me then why you have sought out Mr. Black's company?"

I hesitated. "I didn't seek out his company, professor. Sirius came to me."

Dumbledore waited for a moment and gave a faint nod. "Humour me."

I mulled over the question. Why did I seek out Sirius's attention? Why did I talk to him when I could be talking to any other person? Was it because I felt sorry for him now that he was in a fight with his friends? Was it because of my silly crush that I hoped nobody knew about? Was it because, maybe, I thought that Sirius was like me? An orphan in his own way?

All of those questions seemed to ring true in my head.

I looked away from Dumbledore and decided to not reply at all. Sometimes silence was the best defense. It was one of the things my mother had taught me before she was taken from me.

I took a shaky breath and berated myself sternly. It wasn't like I wasn't used to talking about my feelings over and over again with strangers. Although Greene could hardly be considered a stranger anymore, I mused. At least that's what you would think after six years, no? It didn't really matter anyway, I wasn't supposed to react this emotionally to such a question.

Why was I hanging out with Sirius Black? Why did I enjoy his company so much? Why did it seem like I had known the boy for ages, when really I didn't know a damn thing about him? Except, maybe, for his family history?

"Is it that hard a question to answer, Nika?"

Dumbledore's voice was soft and got me right out of my panic.

My eyes caught his and he somehow seemed to know exactly what I needed. "Would you like for me to call on Doctor Greene and prepare his return?" Okay, so maybe he did not know what I needed after all. I looked away again and shook my head quickly, lest he thought my looking away was affirmation that I indeed needed another psychiatrist whispering in my ear, listening to all my insecurities and stuffing me with all kinds of potions.

"Maybe that would be for the greater good," Dumbledore continued as if I hadn't reacted in any way. "He is someone you trust and he's undoubtedly someone who is able to help you make sense of things."

I shook my head again. "I don't need Greene. I've got it all under control, professor, really."

Dumbledore's face was a perfect pokerface and I vaguely wondered if James and Sirius had learned that from him. It would explain a lot, honestly. But even though he was the master of the masters of pokerface, I just felt in my bones that he wasn't buying a thing I was selling.

I knew that it used to pacify Greene when I opened up a little. Sirius was one of the things I had never enjoyed talking about, which was weird if you really thought about it. Or so Greene told me. I mean, I know that girls with a crush longed to talk about said crush and that it was indeed a bit strange for me to avoid the subject whenever I could, but still... Knowing something and acting on it to do something about it are completely different things.

I hadn't the faintest idea what I was going to say when I opened my mouth, but it came to me in the end anyway. "The Marauders are in a horrible fight. I think it has something to do with Severus Snape and a prank Sirius tried to pull on him. Sirius won't talk about it, but it obviously pains him to be parted from his pranking crew." Dumbledore gave a smile at that. "I'm sorry that he feels alone and I hope he fixes his friendship with the boys soon. Especially with James."

"Why especially with James?"

I shook my head. "I mean, they're best friends. James is the one he leans on, right? I mean if there's anyone in that group that Sirius feels closest to, I'd say that is James. They were always together, pulling some stunt or stalking Lily so James could ask her out on a date again. It's weird to see one without the other. Like something is seriously wrong in the universe."

"Is something wrong in the universe?"

Several things. "I don't know. I suppose so." Dumbledore may think he wasn't much of a psychiatrist, but he had the question thing down pat.

"In fear of being pulled into a teenage drama, I have to ask... Does Sirius know that you have a crush on him?"

I hoped not. "I think so." Well, if his behaviour was anything to go by today. Of course he could just think that because he was Sirius Black that every girl around him fainted as soon as he passed. Although I didn't think he was like that, I really didn't.

"Your relationship with him concerns me, Nika." Dumbledore's voice sounded pained.

I grimaced. "Why?"

"I'm sure that Greene hasn't told me everything, but what he told me does concern me."

I felt anger spike. "What did he tell you?"

"Do you think you connect to Sirius on such an emotional level, because he too has no family left?"

"Sirius's family is still alive," I replied automatically.

Dumbledore nodded. "Yes, but they're not there for him, are they? They may be alive in the technical sense, but for Sirius they might as well have been dead.

I'm sure that he thinks he'd rather have no parents than the parents he has, although that's something he's probably going to revisit and revise when he graduates here."

I didn't think so, but I didn't dare say it.

"I believe that you trust him so, because you feel like you two are connected by your backgrounds."

"I thought you had no idea how to help me with this," I replied stiffly, not liking where this was headed.

Dumbledore's eyes twinkled, but I had no idea what was funny about this situation. "And yet we are meeting every week, are we not?"

That was because he hadn't given me another choice. I used to see Greene weekly, but last year I put my foot down at last. I refused to be handled like a loon, just because I suffered an emotional trauma when I was a little girl. I wasn't the little girl that hid under the bed as her father was killed anymore. I wasn't the little girl that cried and screeched whenever she saw a black cloak. And I definitely wasn't the little girl anymore that went into a panic attack whenever she heard You-Know-Who's name. I had grown out of that long ago and someday soon, I was going to show him and his little minions that too. I believed that wholeheartedly. Not that I was going to defeat such a great wizard, because powerful and 'great' he was, but that I was going to face him some day and that I would try to avenge my parents.

Greene had told me that such a sentiment was something me and all the other orphans shared. A need for vengeance and retribution, a want for closure and purpose. But he had no idea. None at all.

"Yes, we are," I replied tiredly.

"Miss Schmidt," Dumbledore spoke kindly, "have you experienced any inconveniences lately?"

I froze, but forced my body to relax. He wanted to know if I Saw anyone die? "You mean, did I break down crying this week?" Dumbledore waved his hands.

"No, I did not."

Dumbledore nodded as if he had suspected that answer. "Very well, Nika. Please reconsider your relationship with Mr. Black carefully. You have come so far and I would hate to call on Dr. Greene again."

I swallowed and stood. "Yes, professor."

I didn't entirely understand what the problem was with me hanging out with Sirius Black, no matter why I connected with him so well, but I doubted that I was going to seriously reconsider our relationship. If we even had one.

"Very well, Miss Schmidt, you are excused."

I mumbled a goodbye and was glad when we arrived back on familiar territory. It never bode well for me when Dumbledore used my first name. I had my hand on the door handle, when he spoke up again.

"Oh and please do try to avoid getting any more detentions."

I nodded quickly, with my back still to him and escaped from his office. I took a deep breath as I made my way back to the Common Room, desperately wishing for it to be empty.


	9. I drown in you again

_**A/N: My name, unfortunately, is not J.K. Rowling. Therefore I did not invent this marvelous place called Hogwarts, therefore I have no rights to this story except for the plot and my own characters. **_

_Hello my wee doves,_

_I'm back again for the remainder of the month! This chapter's a little bit shorter than my usual ones, but it's a light-hearted one and it has lots of Sirius. I love Sirius. He's awesome._

_Thank you guys so much for your reviews and your follows. You ROCK._

_I'm going to take a quick shower and write the next chapter. (I've almost caught up again!) So see you in a bit!_

_With love,_

_Kelly_

* * *

**Chapter 9**

_A clock breaks till it breaks your glass,_

_And I drown in you again._

_~ Clarity - Zedd ft. Foxes_

Unfortunately for me, the common room wasn't empty when I entered. Several of my fellow Gryffindors were still studying and I saw Lily sitting with the other girls from our dorm. I was mentally debating the pros and cons of going over, when someone grabbed my wrist and pulled me next to him on the couch in front of the fire.

"Hi there friend," Sirius Black grinned.

I raised an eyebrow and battled the blush that threatened to take over my face. I quickly moved aside so our thighs weren't touching anymore and tried to look as indifferent as I possibly could. "Hi friend," I greeted.

"What did Albus want?"

I looked at the book in Sirius's lap and frowned. I doubted he was studying this late so he had to be up to something. "He wanted to talk about some things."

"Never knew you liked to be so vague, love. What kind of things?"

I rolled my eyes and tried to take the book away from him. Curiosity killed the cat and all that. "You mainly. He wanted me to stay away from you."

"Well," Sirius said good-humouredly as he smacked my hands away from his book, "I am madly dangerous and dashingly handsome. I can understand his concern."

I smacked his arm. "You're also insanely modest."

"Comes with the job, love." He waggled his eyebrows.

I wasn't sure I dared ask. "What job?"

"Of being Hogwarts's heartthrob."

I think I caught a Hippogriff or two with the way my mouth was hanging open. He - wait - what?

Sirius started chuckling. "Way to hurt my ego, love. You could look a little less shocked," he teased. "I didn't think it was such a stretch me being the heartthrob, but your shocked expression obviously disagrees. Maybe there's another lad you think is more suitable for the position?"

I blinked. "What?"

"Ah!" He clapped. "A reaction at last. We need to do something about your androphobia, love. It's incredibly entertaining, but you do look like a fish at times. Gaping at me like that."

Androphobia was the fear of men, right? "I don't have androphobia," I gasped. If anything the only male I was afraid of was the bloody bloke next to me.

He patted my head consolingly. "Sure you don't."

I decided to change the subject and let him think whatever he wanted. "What are you reading?"

"This, my darling spring blossom, is my way back into Remus's good graces." He showed me the cover of his book and I actually frowned. At the curious pet name and the book both.

"That's our potions book."

"So it is," Sirius agreed. "I've decided to actually hand in my homework and show Moony that I can be reliable and punctual and all that." He shrugged as he closed the book and tossed it on the table.

"Why wouldn't you be reliable?" I asked, still staring at the book.

"Normally I just copy Moony's homework."

"Whatever for? You always know the answers when asked in class and I've heard your O.W.L.'s were insane."

Sirius smirked at that. "Usually Prongs and I are planning some prank or another so we end up copying the homework five minutes before class."

"That's a bad habit," I pointed out after connecting Prongs to James. Honestly those nicknames were ridiculous. What did they even mean anyway?

"One I'm trying to break." He tapped my nose and gave me a wink, before grabbing his book again.

"Wouldn't it be easier to do your homework at a table?" I gestured to one of the many empty tables around the common room.

" I'm too cool for that?" Sirius offered and I snorted.

"Yes, I imagine it's quite hard being the heartthrob of Hogwarts from behind a table doing your homework."

Sirius's face broke into a giant smile. "I knew you didn't fancy another lad, dove."

I rolled my eyes. "Sure, Sirius, you're the only one for me." His grin only widened, not catching up on my sarcasm. At least I hoped I had sounded sarcastic, if not then... Yeah, that would have been quite pathetic. Again. "What's with the pet names though?"

This time he rolled his eyes. "Sheila doesn't like it when I call her 'love' and wants me to find a more suitable one."

I laughed at that. "So you're experimenting on me?"

He looked a bit embarrassed by that, which only made me like him that much more. Despite the fact we were talking about his relationship with another girl, my heart felt ten pounds lighter when I saw that little blush. "Well, it's not like I can experiment on her, you know."

"Why not? She's the one complaining, isn't she? It seems to me that she should be the one helping you pick one out too."

Sirius shuddered at the thought. "Merlin knows what she comes up with... I'd rather think of one myself."

I grinned.

"Nika, you're a girl-"

"I'm delighted that you noticed."

"-what would you like to hear a boy call you?"

I hadn't the faintest idea. Sirius had called me 'dove' twice now and although it wasn't that bad as far as nicknames went, I wasn't sure I wanted my boyfriend to call me that in front of others. "What about honey?"

Sirius made a face.

"Sweetheart?"

"No."

"Well, since it's Sheila you could always go with 'doll', 'babe' or 'princess'. I'm sure she'll be equally fond of those three."

"What's wrong with babe?" He seemed genuinely puzzled and I smiled.

"Pumpkin, if you wanted to date a baby, you'd be hunted down by the Ministry."

"Pumpkin?" Sirius asked with a grin.

I shrugged, trying my hardest not to be embarrassed by it. "You said it before, I wanted to try it out!"

"Maybe you should have a nickname for me," Sirius grinned. "Or a codename of sorts."

"A codename?" I repeated warily. This sounded suspiciously a lot like the nickname thing he had going on with the Marauders and I thought I had made it perfectly clear I wasn't up to replacing any of his friends. He was only going to regret this foolishness later and then where would I be with a silly codename that nobody else knew about?

"Yes. It would be perfect if we needed to be stealthy at one of our missions."

If we needed to be - "Oh for Merlin's sakes, Sirius."

"Hush, my wee dove, don't mock it till you try it."

"Don't call me your wee dove, Sirius."

"Then help me find a codename for you."

"I thought we were going to find something for you?"

Sirius shook his head with a mischievous twinkle in his eyes. "No, I've decided I can't ever be anything else than Padfoot."

I couldn't help but agree. I doubted that he could ever be anyone but himself either and in this case that was Padfoot. A fourth of the Marauders, prankster extraordinaire with a weird ass nickname given by his friends. Not to mention the pretentious name they gave their little group in first year. Don't even ask me why it stuck, but it just did. Everyone called them that and I'd say it was a little ridiculous if I didn't love it so much. It seemed like the Marauders were just a part of Hogwarts, you know. Something to tell your grandkids about on a rainy day.

Or maybe I was just being a sentimental fool and the nicknames really were just ridiculous. "But only your friends call you that."

Sirius grabbed my hand and laid his book down on his lap again. "And now you can too."

I was touched, honestly. I gave him a faint smile and squeezed his hand. The Marauders didn't react when others called them by their nicknames. They swore that people shouldn't use the words they didn't know the meaning of and that it should be the same for names. If for instance Sheila would start calling James Prongs or Sirius Padfoot, I doubted that she'd get a response from either of them. They'd just ignore her until she used their real names. It was daft, but I felt a thrill knowing that I was now allowed to use it.

Sirius winked at me. "So let's see what we can call you, hm?"

"Anything but dove," I begged.

He grinned. "But you are fragile as one and I'm sure you taste as good as one."

"So didn't want to know that," I moaned. He laughed and released my hand to open his potions book again.

"Don't worry, love. I'll find the perfect nickname for you," he promised me.

Oh Merlin, I was in some deep water, wasn't I?**  
**


	10. Blood in the breeze

_**A/N: My name, unfortunately, is not J.K. Rowling. Therefore I did not invent this marvelous place called Hogwarts, therefore I have no rights to this story except for the plot and my own characters. **_

_Hello again,_

_As promised the second chapter! I'm sorry it's such a dark one, but it's better to have it out of the way at last, hm? It will definitely help understand Nika better (and for me to write her better and develop her more). _

_I have completely caught up and am on schedule with NaNoWriMo. I'm damn proud of it too, phew._

_Anyway, I hope you enjoy and the next chapters are going to be a lot cheerier than this one. That I can promise!_

_As always with love,_

_Kelly_

* * *

**Chapter 10**

_I see fire, blood in the breeze_

_And I hope that you'll remember me_

_~I See Fire - Ed Sheeran_

"Nika, wake up, sweetheart."

I opened my eyes and yawned. "A little bit longer, daddy," I murmured, hiding my face in the pillow. I was roughly pulled from under my covers and gave a little shriek.

My father's frightened eyes were the first thing I saw. He held his hand in front of my mouth and shook his head. "Hush, Nika." He kissed my forehead and put me down on the ground. "Hide."

"Daddy?"

"Now, Nika." He gave me a hard shove that made me fall on the ground. I crawled backwards until my back hit the bed and I shivered in fear. What was going on?

I heard thundering footsteps on the stairs and my father's stiff pose told me that this wasn't a joke. I grabbed Andrew, my brown bunny, from the bed and crawled under it.

"Be quiet now, sweetheart," daddy whispered as he ran over to the window and opened it swiftly. He went back to stand in front of the door just as it banged open.

"You should have taken the opportunity to run, Matthew." The voice was dark and deep, seeming to come straight out of hell itself to haunt me for years to come.

I pulled Andrew closer to my chest and squeezed._ Quiet, quiet, quiet._ I completely froze when I saw the black robes entering the room. They dragged over my carpet as the man went to stand closer to daddy.

"You're a fool if you think I'd abandon my family, Antonin." Daddy's voice sounded calm, but it didn't help to chase the shivers away at all.

_Quiet, quiet, quiet._

"You're the fool in this room, Matthew. What happened to you? You used to believe in our cause."

"I never believed in your cause," my father swore.

The man laughed at that, causing goose bumps to chase down my arms. I snuggled closer to Andrew. "Oh, now I know you're lying, not that it matters. You're a dead man now, Raven."

"I'd like to see you try, Dolohov."

Next thing I knew flashes lit up the dark space under my bed, green, blue and red. I bit my lip till it bled and hugged Andrew, silently telling him that daddy would save us. The flashes continued until I heard my daddy cry out in pain. I heard a heavy thud on my right and when I turned I had to bite on my fist. Daddy lay on the ground next to me with a pool of red around him. He blinked at me and silently told me to stay silent.

I nodded, because I didn't dare speak.

"Where's your little girl, Matthew?"

"Far away by now," daddy spat, causing blood to fly everywhere.

I didn't even move when some of it splashed on my face. I was frozen, too afraid to move or speak. I wanted to help daddy. Where was mummy? She would save him, right? Right?

The room was silent for a second, before the man cursed. Another flash lit the room and I stared at my father, willing him to move. I vaguely heard the man move around my room and heard the window smash to pieces, before he thundered back downstairs.

Please move, daddy. Please, please.

* * *

I woke with a scream and fought the hands holding me down. "No, get off me. NO!"

"Nika," someone shouted. "Calm down, it's us. Damn it, Emily, hold her arms."

Someone slapped my face and my eyes focused on a worried redhead. "Are you here with us?"

I nodded and stopped my struggles. I stared at the ceiling and closed my eyes as a tear ran down the side of my face. I hadn't had a nightmare like that in ages.

The girls looked at me. Emily with a worried look that equaled Lily's and Miranda with annoyance.

"Good, now that she's up, can we go to breakfast?"

Lily glared at her. "Yes, Miranda, please go to breakfast already."

Emily looked torn. She glanced from Lily to Miranda and then to me. "Are you sure you're okay?"

I managed a smile that probably just looked sad. It didn't seem to put Emily at ease at all if her distressed look was anything to go by. "I'm fine." I looked back at the ceiling. "I'm sorry I caused you so much trouble."

"It's okay," Lily whispered. "It's not your fault that you had a nightmare."

My lips twitched, but I sat up with a sigh. I wiped the tear away and shook my head. I was being silly. "I'm sorry," I said again.

Lily didn't say anything for a long time, but she did sit down next to me. She didn't move until I felt my heartbeat finally settle down.

I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, happy that Lily was just there. "Thank you," I murmured as I crawled off my bed. I grabbed a new uniform and only then turned to face her.

The pitying look Lily gave me, nearly broke me. It reminded me why I couldn't ever tell her what the nightmares were about. It would change her view of me forever and I didn't think I could handle that look on her face permanently whenever I saw her. I just couldn't.

"You're welcome," she replied softly. I felt her eyes on me all the way to the bathroom and only felt like I could breathe again when the door was safely closed between us.

When I was ready, Lily and I walked down to breakfast together. It was Friday, which meant that the Great Hall was buzzing with the expectation of the weekend. Lily didn't try to talk about the dream for which I was immensely grateful. I didn't think I could come up with a plausible excuse anyway.

Merlin, that had been awful. It had been years since I last had a nightmare that vivid. I wiped my face for the fourth time that morning, still feeling like my father's blood was dripping down my skin.

I was being stupid, I told myself sternly. I was never going to get over my parents' death, I knew, but I thought I had known how to handle the nightmares. Damn Dumbledore and his stupid questions.

My eyes found Sirius's and he smiled cheerily when he saw me. I walked over to him, faintly aware that Lily was following me. I sat down on Sirius's right and Lily sat down across from me.

"Morning," I mumbled.

"Good morning, love, Lily," Sirius said with his usual cheer.

I didn't say anything and admired how he could happily chew away his breakfast with not a care in the world. I wished I could be more like that. I grabbed a glass and looked around for a jug.

"Sirius, could you pass me the water, please?"

Sirius looked up, but only stared.

I shook my glass at him, but he continued to stare. "Sirius?"

He shook his head, his smile widening slowly. It was only after a few more seconds that I realized what he was doing. He was giving me the nickname treatment! My lips twitched into a small smile. "Padfoot, could you please pass me the water?"

"Why of course I can, my wee dove," Sirius grinned. I gave him a mock glare for the dove thing and shook my head, which only caused his grin to widen. He gave me the water and my eyes caught Lily's.

She seemed to be in some state of shock as she stared between Sirius and myself.

Sirius only laughed when he noticed and merrily continued eating his breakfast.

The man was absolutely daft, but I adored him. I poured myself a glass of water and poured Lily one too. She nodded in thanks and I gave her a smile.

It felt easier to smile already and something told me I had Sirius and his behaviour to thank for that. "What do you have first?"

Sirius shook his head sadly. "Muggle Studies."

I raised an eyebrow at that.

"Don't look at me, it seemed a good idea at the time," he grumbled and I laughed.

He had probably taken it to spite his parents and the easy grade, and was now stuck with it.

"You could have dropped it," I pointed out as I grabbed a toast and the jam.

"Yes, but what would I have done with all the spare time?"

"Sleep?" I offered. "Being a reliable person and doing your own homework?"

I must have said that a bit too loudly since a couple of heads turned our way, including the Marauders' when they passed.

"Now where would the fun be in that?" Sirius winked.

I laughed again. I was suddenly grateful that he had picked me to sit next to four days ago. Merlin knew I could use a cheery fellow in my life.


	11. I'm waking up

_**A/N: My name, unfortunately, is not J.K. Rowling. Therefore I did not invent this marvelous place called Hogwarts, therefore I have no rights to this story except for the plot and my own characters. **_

_Hi guys,_

_I can't tell you how much I love reading your reviews! Wow. They absolutely make my day, so thank you for that!_

_I can't believe we're at chapter 11 already and that I'm still keeping up with NaNo this year! -pats self on the back-_

_Anyway this is more of a Lily chapter than a Sirius one, although I just couldn't keep the sod away. He just demanded to pop up so I let him. __I swear, this story has a will of its own. _

_I hope you enjoy and I'll talk to you guys tomorrow!_

_As always with love,_

_Kelly_

* * *

**Chapter 11**

_I'm waking up, I feel it in my bones,_

_Enough to make my systems blow._

_~Radioactive - Imagine Dragons_

"So where is Sirius?" Lily asked me during dinner.

I was beyond thrilled that the weekend had started. It was Friday night, tomorrow was Quidditch day and I was pretty sure Ravenclaw was going to kill the Hufflepuffs. "He had a date that is most certainly not a date, because she isn't his girlfriend, with Sheila," I explained and laughed at Lily's expression. "Sorry. I've had to listen the whole afternoon to Sirius preaching how he is still very much single."

"Right," Lily drawled. "Not weird at all."

I nudged her side with my elbow and smiled. "How was your day?" I hadn't spoken to Lily since breakfast even though we had shared a couple of classes together. Sirius was soaking up all of my time, I realized. It defined Sirius perfectly though. He was the kind of guy that entered a room and drew the attention straight to him.

Lily shrugged. "I got my essay for Muggle Studies back."

"How was it?" I asked, eyeing the desserts greedily when the plates changed.

"I got an Acceptable," Lily grumbled, causing me to look up with a frown.

"An A?" I repeated slowly, the desserts as far from my mind as they could have been.

Lily looked away to the Slytherin table and I mentally cursed myself. "An A isn't all that bad," I tried to cheer her up. It wasn't her usual mark, but still. A positive grade was a positive grade, right?

"I have Muggle parents," Lily hissed. "How could I have messed this up?"

"Your thoughts must have been somewhere else?" I offered.

Lily laughed darkly at that. "Oh, I'll say. Halfway through my parchment I started comparing the proper potion ingredients to make Alihotsy Draught!"

I grinned at that. Only Lily, I suppose. "And you still got an A?"

"It isn't funny, Nika. My grades are really important to me." She glowered at the muffin in front of her and I feared that she was going to melt it if she kept it up.

I coughed and wondered if there were any Friendship Studies for me to follow. "I know they are, Lily," I said slowly, "but this is just one setback. Are you going to be depressed for a whole weekend, because you got distracted when you wrote your assignment? You know you'll have your grade back up in a blip, Lily. So that can't be what's making you this upset."

Lily sighed and poked at her muffin as if she were afraid that it was going to bite her. "James hexed my books today, so they'd spell the same sentence over and over again no matter which page I opened."

I wasn't even sure I wanted to know anymore. "What did it spell?"

"Well what does he keep on asking me?" Lily asked heatedly. "I mean, I appreciate the fact that he doesn't make such a big spectacle of himself like he did in third year, but come on. I needed those books in class!"

I bit my lip and stared at the boy in question. "That wasn't thoughtful of him."

"No, it wasn't," she bit, plunging her fork into the poor muffin to tear it to shreds.

I decided to let things be for a little while and grabbed a piece of cherry pie. We ate in silence and I noticed that the Marauders were laughing again. It was only when I saw James's laughing face when I realized that I hadn't heard the sound all week. I had foolishly thought that only Sirius had been suffering, but it seemed to me that the Marauders appeared to be as lost without Sirius as Sirius was without them.

Remus's eyes caught mine at that moment and I cocked my head to the side as we studied each other. In the end he just nodded at me and I nodded awkwardly back.

"This is weird," Lily whispered when James followed Remus's gaze.

I looked at Lily and sighed. "I can't disagree," I murmured. I still wasn't used to the envious looks girls kept on giving me when Sirius walked next to me. Not that I couldn't understand those girls, I totally could. Still it was weird. "Haven't you mutilated that muffin enough?"

"No," Lily grumbled and moved to grab another, but I stole it from under her nose.

"Enough, Lily," I said, staring her down as I cradled the muffin. Deserts were almost holy to me and I was one of those people that ate their desserts before their actual meal. What could I say? I had a sweet tooth?

Lily sighed but left the deserts alone.

"Why don't you talk to him?" I finally asked as I ate the rescued muffin. Blueberry... Dear Merlin, I was in heaven.

"To James Potter?"

I shook my head. "No, to Snape. You're obviously obsessing over your fight."

"I don't obsess," Lily muttered.

Sure she didn't. She didn't obsess over rejecting James Potter over and over again because of some misguided principle she had and she certainly didn't obsess over maintaining a perfect grade.

"And I can't... If I go back to him now then he'll think it's okay to call me names," Lily confessed. "I'm not comfortable with the people he hangs with. I don't like the way he sees the world, as if it's all black and white."

"Is there something that you do like about him?"

"Don't be silly. Severus can be quite humorous, you know, and he helped me out with my sister when I first discovered I was a witch."

I shrugged. "Just asking, Lily. Look I don't know how it's like to have such an old friend, but I'm pretty sure it would gnaw at me when I fought with him." I thought again about the Marauders. "I think Snape gets it now. He shouldn't call you names and should treat you with respect. I honestly do not understand what you find so attractive in your friendship with him, but if that is what you want then go for it. Try to make amends, because if you don't you'll only regret it for the next two years."

Lily hesitated. "You think so?"

I turned in my seat so I could look at her fully and tried to imagine what Greene would tell me in this case. "I believe so, yes. I don't know if it's the right action to take, since I can't see the future. But, Lily, you just have to ask yourself if you think he's worth it. What does your gut tell you?"

Lily looked crestfallen. "That he isn't going to change back to who he was."

I nodded slowly. "Then you have your answer. If you can live with the way he behaves now, then make amends. If you don't think you can be friends with him anymore, then don't. It's better to leave a ship before it sinks than get sucked down with it."

Lily mulled it over for a few seconds, before she nodded. "Thank you, Nika. I'll think about it."

I smiled gently. "You do that." I grabbed my second muffin and wondered how many desserts I could have before I looked greedy.

"Why don't we do this more often?" Lily asked slowly, as if she was afraid of my answer.

I froze. I mean the question seemed harmless enough, but I knew what she was really asking. Why hadn't we talked more in the past? Why hadn't we at least tried to be friends before?

"I think I wasn't ready then," I replied just as slowly. I felt like I was on dangerous territory and feared that the bench I was sitting on could disappear any second and leave me to fall flat on my arse.

"And you think you are now?" Lily sounded hopeful and yet wary at the same time.

I didn't dare look at her, but studied my chocolate muffin with renewed interest. "I think I might be getting there," I said honestly. I truly believed I was getting better. I still felt uncomfortable talking about things like, well, this, but I _was_ talking about it nonetheless.

Maybe someday I'll stop pushing people away and actually talk about my past, but today wasn't that day. I knew that was what Lily needed from me, for me to open up, and no matter how much it hurt me to disappoint her, I just couldn't give her that part of me yet. I wasn't sure if I ever could give anyone that.

Lily didn't say anything and I finished my dessert in silence. I grabbed a glass of pumpkin juice to wash it all down and looked up only to find Sirius's grinning face right next to Lily's.

"Hello lovelies, whatcha doing?"

I had no idea how he managed it or if it was anything he did really. Maybe it was just my crush running havoc in my brain, but anyway... I was pulled from my dark mood instantly when Sirius appeared. "We were eating desert. Where's your other half?"

Sirius narrowed his eyes threateningly. "You better not be referring to Sheila, wee dove."

"Stop calling me that, please. And you should really do something about your commitment issues."

"I have no issues, love. Didn't you hear? Everything about me is perfect." He gave me a wink so shameless that I smacked his arm in retribution.

"You are unbelievable." I shook my head in mock disappointment.

"Just the way you like me," Sirius nodded.

Lily frowned at the two of us. "Are you two always like this?" She seemed to have forgotten her own woes for the moment and I wondered if Sirius had the same effect on her. Maybe it was something in his way of moving that magically soothed us feeble females. I studied Lily's stiff pose and mentally gave a sigh. Or maybe he just had that soothing effect on this female, I thought.

"Like what?" I asked when I managed to pull my head back to the conversation.

Lily gave me a sly smile that made me frown.

"What?" I looked at Sirius, but all he did was shrug.

"Don't look at me, love, I don't know what she means either."

Lily grinned. "Never mind, you two. I was just wondering what your plans are for this evening?"

With a dramatic flair, Sirius turned back to me. "Well, love, I was wondering if we could continue our earlier business before Dumbledore caught us rolling on the ground."

If I kept this up, my face was going to stay in a frown permanently. "Oh no, we are not," I told Sirius sternly as he grabbed my hand and pulled me to my feet.

"I think we are, love."

"I don't even know why we were crawling through that corridor in the first place. It made absolutely no sense."

"But it was fun, no?"

"No, it was not."

Sirius pouted pettily. "You're no fun at all."

I smiled at him and pinched his cheek playfully. "And don't you forget it."

"Honestly," Lily murmured disgustedly to herself as she stared at the muffin she murdered on her plate, "I feel like I ate a whole sweet shop."

Sirius and I gave her two blank stares. "You didn't even touch your muffin," I pointed out.

"Is she quite alright?" Sirius whispered in my ear, making the international sign for cuckoo by spinning a circle near his head with his hand.

"I'm perfectly healthy, thank you. Now hurry along and do your business." Lily actually shooed us away with her hands.

It seemed to be all the encouragement Sirius needed. He squeezed my hand and dragged me along with him. I looked over my shoulder to Lily and could have sworn I heard her mutter something about lousy friends and cavities, but where would the sense be in that?

Maybe Snape had messed with her head more than I first thought. I tried to pull my hand out of Sirius's grasp. "Honestly Sirius." I tried again, but he wouldn't budge.

He gave me one of his infamous smirks and I inwardly sighed. Some days it's better not to try at all, I thought as I let the butterflies in my stomach run wild.

* * *

Edit: Phew. I can't believe the mistakes I'm making without even noticing right now. My brain is telling me to sleep, but school is screaming nyet! Apparently I mixed up "desert" and "dessert" several times in this chapter, a mistake I normally wouldn't ever make. (Seriously though, what's going on with my writing skills xD) It also doesn't help that a "dessert" is spelled "desert" in Dutch. Languages are hard.

Thanks for pointing it out!


	12. Live passionately tonight

_**A/N: My name, unfortunately, is not J.K. Rowling. Therefore I did not invent this marvelous place called Hogwarts, therefore I have no rights to this story except for the plot and my own characters. **_

_Gutentag,_

_This chapter is a mess._

_I'm a mess._

_Yesterday someone pointed out a mistake I made. English isn't my mother-tongue so I'm sure this story is full of grammar and vocabulary mistakes. Do feel free to point them out (except for those in this chapter, haha, this one is a disaster and I'm too beat to do anything about it right now). I hate not having the time to properly reread and edit every chapter (not that my earlier work always got that attention, mind you. I've written stories that still give me shivers thinking about it. I still don't understand how people enjoyed Bite Me so much. I was a 14 year old Belgian girl and my writing in English was something out of a horror story... Ahem) but this story somehow feels different to me._

_I don't know. I'm half asleep as I'm writing this. I'm rambling and I'm singing a Mary Poppins song in my head. I'm not feeling all that sane right now. (A spooon fuuull of suuuugaaaaaaaar helps the medicine go doooown.)_

_Anyway, I promised to update daily and here I am with a crappy chapter and I have an exam, I still have to study for, in the morning. (College is ruining my life, I swear.)_

_I'll try and reread it for mistakes somewhere during the weekend. Hopefully I'll be wide awake by then._

_I hope you enjoy and wish me luck studying with my eyes closed!_

_As always with love,_

_Kelly_

* * *

**Chapter 12**

I'm a warrior queen,

Live passionately tonight.

~Marry The Night - Lady GaGa

"I've decided that you need to participate in another prank," Sirius told me.

He decided, did he? I gave him a look. "We already have a detention every Monday evening for a month because of our last prank. Do you really think this wise?" I whispered as I stared at the Quidditch pitch.

"Love, when have I ever given a care about being wise?" Sirius grinned, before grabbing my hand again and dragging me to the middle of the field.

"Sirius," I started and rolled my eyes when I saw his look. "Padfoot, I don't think we should be doing this. If McGonagall catches us..."

"Which she won't," Sirius told me calmly, turning around to face me completely. He let go of my hand and held my face between his hands. "Relax, Nika. Nobody is going to be a hundred percent sure that this was our doing. In all honesty though, they'll _know_ it was a Gryffindor, but they can't prove a thing. We're safe and I promise you that you won't get any more detentions because of this."

I didn't think that was a promise he could keep, but I decided to let it go and nodded.

He gave me another stern look, before letting go of my face and burning cheeks and moving a couple of steps away. He stared at the night sky and smiled faintly up at the stars.

"You better be right, Sirius Black," I threatened, "for when Dumbledore kicks my arse out of this school, I'm taking you down with me."

His only answer to my very heartfelt threat was to blow me a kiss. He grabbed his wand and gestured for me to do the same. He told me to say some spell or another that I hadn't ever heard of, but I decided to just go along with it.

I mean I was already an accomplice right? If I helped him or not, I knew he was going to do something detention worthy and I most certainly would never tell a professor what Sirius was up to. I wasn't a rat and besides I didn't even know what he was up to and I was doing the same thing he was. There was nothing concrete to rat out yet.

Gold and red sparks came out of my wand, but they quickly disappeared into the night. I frowned. I looked over to Sirius and saw that his wand was doing the exact same thing. The sparks illuminated his face that stared back at me with a childlike glee.

"What is this going to do?" I asked him as a grin slowly formed on my lips and my wand kept sending sparks into the night.

He winked. "Let's just say that this is going to be a game they won't soon forget."

I shook my head at his cryptic answer. "If you want me along on all of your future pranks, you're going to have to learn to trust me."

Sirius paused midspell and I saw him stare into the night. I saw him shake his head and even the gold sparks from his wand seemed to pause.

I shrugged and continued with the spell until the sparks turned white and then fully stopped. I was curious what it would do, but was done asking about it. I wasn't that desperate for his attention and trust, not yet at least. I suddenly worried what would happen if I actually fell in love with him. Love wasn't that far a cry from having a crush, I figured. In that moment I wasn't quite so sure that I should be here with him on a deserted field with darkness and Sirius's golden sparks surrounding us. It didn't seem smart at all, what if my hormones got the best of me and I decided to jump him?

Oh Merlin, what if he let me? Would I just be another one of his temporary non-girlfriends, before he ditched me? Would that kill our budding friendship?

Why was I even worrying about this? Honestly, Nika, I thought annoyed with myself. As if he was just going to let you jump him and have your womanly way with him. I rolled my eyes at myself. Sometimes my fantasy just ran away with me and that was all that this thing I felt for Sirius would ever be, I realized. A far-fetched fantasy.

It had to be, I thought silently, for his sake and my sanity.

"I do trust you," Sirius whispered after a couple of minutes, before finishing his spell.

I didn't reply to his confession. I had no clue what to say to him and furthermore I wondered if he only said that because I kind of forced it out of him. Would he have told me the same thing if I had never brought it up? Was it even true?

Why did it matter so much to me?

It wasn't like I was an open book to him myself, right?

Merlin, I was being ridiculous and full of insecurities tonight. Greene would feel like Christmas morning had come early this year, if he knew what was going through my head right now.

That more than anything brought me back with my two feet on the ground. I wasn't a loon anymore and it was about time to start acting like a normal person too.

Sirius clapped his hands when his wand finally stopped with the fireworks. "Alright, on to step two." He even had a little bounce in his step as he walked to the other side of the pitch.

He gestured for me to go to the side opposite his and pointed his wand at me. I had no idea where he got them, but his wand levitated several items my way.

"Put these along the white line!" he shouted and I hurried to do as he says. "Make sure that they align with mine!"

I studied the items he had sent my way before I carefully put them opposite his. They looked like carton rolls to me. What was in them, I vaguely wondered and then saw a little sign on the side of one. "Padfoot, are these fireworks?"

"Don't be silly," he shouted back. "Why would I use fireworks? People are going to be flying here tomorrow, that'd be dangerous and totally insane!"

"Which is why I suspect you of doing it," I muttered under my breath.

"I may not hear what you're saying, Nika Schmidt, but I can see your mouth move just fine," Sirius yelled teasingly.

I shook my head and prayed that this prank wasn't going to cause anyone bodily harm.

When I was done, I jogged over to Sirius who was launching against one of the goals. "What now?" I breathed.

He grinned. "Why, love, are you actually having fun?"

I pushed him gently. "Why, maybe a little," I confessed, causing him to laugh. Sirius moved his wand in a ridiculous looking swirl and the rolls disappeared from sight.

"What if someone knocks them over?" I asked on our way back to the castle. "Wouldn't that ruin the prank?"

"Yes," Sirius agreed, "but I put a protection spell on them before giving them to you. If anyone is within three feet of one, it won't go off and just stay deactivated. I only hope that doesn't happen to a lot of them," he murmured to himself as if in afterthought.

I shrugged, telling myself again that it wasn't worth it to ask yet again what the prank was. "What next?"

Sirius turned to me and cocked his head to the side as he studied me. He stopped me in front of the staircase to the first floor and gave me an intense look. I bit my lip and swore to myself that I wasn't going to blush. I was done blushing because Sirius Black. "What do you want to do?"

Many things, I thought a bit breathlessly. "I don't know. Maybe catch up on a little homework." I knew how lame that probably sounded to someone like Sirius, the self-proclaimed heartthrob of Hogwarts. Yet I couldn't deny that the sneaking around and the unexpected visit to Dumbledore's office had cost my schoolwork severely.

Sirius seemed to think that over hard and got a strange expression on his face after a few seconds. "Okay. We'll do homework," he said slowly, as if he wasn't at all sure he was capable of doing so.

No, that didn't sound right. It was more like he didn't believe that he had uttered those words himself, as if they sounded foreign to him.

I wondered just how often Remus made his homework for him. "You did want to work on being reliable," I pointed out.

He nodded and a brilliant smile took over his handsome face. "Moony's going to be so proud."

I patted his arm. "I'm sure he will be, Padfoot."

His smile turned sweet, when his eyes caught mine. "I really like being your friend, Nika, and I'm working hard on finding a nickname that's just perfect for you."

Damn it. Okay, so now I really was blushing. Again. I tried my hardest to keep my expression as nonchalant as I could though. I didn't want my crush to go to his head and inflate his impossibly big ego even more. "I'm looking forward to hearing it," I told him and I really was. Although I feared what he'd come up with at the same time.

We started ascending the stairs towards the Gryffindor common room, talking all the while about everything and nothing at the same time. I couldn't tell you what it was we were discussing so animatedly, but I do know that I was smiling when we entered the common room.

I rushed upstairs to get my schoolbooks and sat down at one of the empty tables. It wasn't long before Sirius joined me and I had to admit that I was surprised he showed up at all. He seemed quite serious about showing his friends that he had changed. Or that he was at least trying to. I sighed and wondered again what had gone so terribly wrong between the boys. Hogwarts felt out of balance. The boys hadn't pulled a decent prank in over two weeks and I felt like even the castle itself was holding its breath in anticipation.

A faint smile decorated my mouth as I remembered what we had been up to tonight. I couldn't wait till the Quidditch match tomorrow.

I grabbed my potions book from the pile of books I had brought with me and started working on the two-foot essay Slughorn wanted us to write on the different love potions one could brew and if they had any lingering effects on either the potion brewer or the victim.


	13. Another world of wondrous things

_**A/N: My name, unfortunately, is not J.K. Rowling. Therefore I did not invent this marvelous place called Hogwarts, therefore I have no rights to this story except for the plot and my own characters. **_

_Hi guys,_

_I'm feeling way better although I just had a day from hell. Anyway, things will be moving along shortly now since we are ALMOST HALFWAY! Hooray! :D_

_I hope you enjoy and please let me know what you think!_

_(To the person that pointed out the dessert/desert thing: I am seriously ashamed that I made that mistake and thank you for pointing it out. This story is in need of some serious editing, but it will have to wait till after November and maybe even till after my exams. I hope it didn't disturb you too much though. Thanks again ;D)_

_With love and many hugs,_

_Kelly_

* * *

**Chapter 13**

_Let me be your wings_  
_Leave behind the world you know_  
_For another world of wondrous things_

_~Let Me Be Your Wings - Thumbelina OST_

The next morning we all listened to James loudly proclaiming that he was going to enjoy the oncoming match. I sent Sirius a look, but he stared straight ahead stoically. I put my glass of pumpkin juice on the table with a thud and grabbed his hand to squeeze it comfortingly. "Wait till he sees our surprise," I whispered, which seemed to cheer him up immediately.

Sirius smirked. "It's going to blow him away."

I left it at that and only nodded when he mentioned something about looking for Sheila. I finished my pumpkin juice and finally looked around to search for the little minx myself. I couldn't see her or Sirius, nor was Lily anywhere in sight. My eyes, however, did catch the laughing Marauders and I decided that I had had quite enough of this nonsense. I stood up and marched over, all the while repeating to myself that if Sirius rarely intimidated me anymore (right?) than the other Marauders didn't stand a sodding chance to make me quiver in my boots.

"Hi lads," I greeted them, easily dropping down next to James and right across from Remus.

The conversation immediately died and I believe Peter Pettigrew even stopped leering at the scone he had in front of him. At least long enough for him to join his mates into staring a hole into my forehead. I gave them a dazzling smile and desperately hoped I didn't have any pumpkin juice on my face.

"I thought it was about time we had a little chat," I said as if absentmindedly while I played with a piece of French bread.

Remus's jaw moved furiously, but he didn't say a thing. He disappointed me, really. I had hoped that if I could talk sense into any of those boys, it would have been him.

"We expected you sooner." It was James who finally spoke and broke the silence crudely. He glowered at me as if I was the incarnation of all things evil.

"Is that so?" The boys remained silent and I bit my lip. Maybe this wasn't such a bright idea after all. What did I know, right? Maybe I shouldn't have stuck my nose into business that wasn't my own. "Why?"

Curiousity was going to get me killed someday, I swear.

James seemed to hesitate for a second and I wondered if it was possible that those Muggles were right after all. Where eyes the mirror to the soul? Because it sure felt like James Potter was staring right into mine as he peered into my eyes. "Because you seem to be close friends with our Padfoot," he said quietly. "Tell me, has he told you yet what he did to make us so..." He went with a hand through his hair as if that would magically give him the word he was obviously searching for.

"Disappointed," Peter offered.

James nodded. "Yes. What he did to make us so disappointed in him?"

I studied the boys and Remus especially. He had been so quiet this morning that I started to take notice. The boys were miserable, I concluded. "You miss him," I blurted.

James seemed surprised, but Remus simply shrugged. "Of course we do," he said quietly, "he's like a brother to us."

"Then why not make up?" I asked, frustrated with the whole lot of them. "You're miserable, he's miserable and I think he learned his lesson by now. For Merlin's sake, he's been doing so much to make it up to you lot and it's like you don't even notice."

That is something I could and would never understand, I knew. If Sirius Black would do something as huge as this for me, there simply was no way I was going to be able to overlook that. Let alone ignore his attempts to earn my approval. Were these guys mad?

"It's not that simple," James said softly.

"Prongs," Remus started, exhaustion rich in his voice, "I already told you that although I haven't forgiven him-"

"He didn't only shame your trust, Moony," James snapped. "He broke mine, he shamed Wormtail's and he definitely broke Dumbledore's. What if something had truly happened? What if you-" He seemed to suddenly remember that I was sitting there with them and shut up quickly, a nerve twitching in his jaw that I found oddly enticing.

Maybe Lily should revisit and revise, I thought faintly, before shaking myself out of my stupor. Damn boys and damn their strong jaws.

"Please don't stop on my account," I told them, cocking my head to the side in slight confusion. The boys remained quiet and just stared right back at me. I sighed. Tough bunch. "Look I'm not going to presume to know anything about you or your friendship with Sirius or friendship in general really." I shrugged at that and reminded myself that James wasn't smiling because he was laughing at me, but because he was thinking of a fun anecdote of some sort. "I'm just saying that I think this nonsense has been going on long enough."

"This nonsense?" James sputtered, the smile quickly falling off his face.

Remus frowned at me and Peter coughed, helping himself to a second scone.

"Yes," I said decidedly. "This is utter and complete nonsense. You guys aren't meant to be apart anymore than McGonagall and the word detention are. You are inseparable or at least you used to be. Girls wanted to date you, guys wanted to be you." And I was sounding like a complete twat. "But now most of them just think you're a bunch of tits with your panties in a twist over something silly."

"Hey now," Remus started with a frown, but I held my hand up.

I wasn't done talking to them and I had apparently just found my inner Gryffindor, so he was going to have to wait. "I don't care what this fight is about or that he shamed Dumbledore's trust. Surely if his mistake was truly that grave as you make it sound, Dumbledore would have suspended him from Hogwarts. Seeing as that Sirius is still in this school, I'm thinking that maybe you're overreacting just a little bit." James turned purple, so I proceeded quickly. "I'm sure that whatever he did, hurt your feelings and that he shouldn't have done it. I know that you wouldn't exclude him from your little group unless he truly deserved it. I'm not judging you on how you handled things." Maybe only a little, I thought. "But you have got to let him prove to you that he's sorry. He's been trying to make it up to you, but you're too busy being angry at him to even notice.

At least let him try to win your trust back, because whatever it is you're doing now to fix your problems? It hasn't given you any results that I can see. So why don't you try to do the sensible thing and talk things through? Maybe you'll find that you've been missing him just as much as he's missed you lot."

I was sounding a little bit like a drama queen, wasn't I? Ahem. Time to give it a little spin. "If you guys made up and picked up your plans to elope with each other, then maybe I wouldn't get into as many detentions in the future as I am now. So try to talk to him? Please?"

When the boys remained silent, I decided that this was my cue to leave. I nodded a goodbye to the three of them and practically ran out of the Great Hall, the courage quickly leaving my system. I followed the masses going to the Quidditch Pitch and found Sirius on the edge of it.

"How's your plan going?" I asked him, greeting Sheila politely. It was all she was getting from me and I was damn proud that I managed even that.

Sheila just looked down her nose at me and rolled her eyes to her little group of giggling friends, who were all eyeing Sirius admiringly. Honestly.

"Sheila, babe, I'll come find you afterward, okay?" I heard Sirius mutter and I couldn't help the smug smile that took over my face when I heard it.

He was calling her babe? It was one of the names I had sneeringly suggested to him and I couldn't help that my inner devil was sniggering a little at that. Although I wanted to smack him on the head for going out with someone he obviously didn't think that highly of.

"Babe, eh?" I asked, eyeing the white lines with our rolls on concernedly.

Sirius pinched my side. "Don't mock me. I tried it yesterday afternoon and she didn't seem to mind at all."

I gave him an exasperated look. "Why are you even dating her?"

"I'm not," Sirius said slowly as if he was talking to a toddler. He steered a first year away from one of our rolls with a quick pat on the back. "Root for Gryffindor," he told him.

"I thought Gryffindor isn't flying today?" I heard the boy mutter confusedly to his friend, who merely shrugged.

I was starting to get the idea of Sirius's prank and smiled. "You've been seeing her for almost a week now," I continued as if we hadn't been interrupted. "I call that dating."

"Sirius Black doesn't date," Sirius Black said with a glare that I wasn't impressed with.

"Sure, Sirius Black doesn't," I scoffed.

He merely rolled his eyes and decided to ignore me, until professor McGonagall announced through the microphone that the game was about to begin. "It's starting." His eyes were alight with anticipation and his fingers were flexing on my arm when he grabbed it.

He pulled me all the way to the back of the Gryffindor stand. I had no idea how he managed to secure such marvelous seats, but I wasn't about to complain.

Sirius was nervously moving around in his seat, till I put my hand on his knee to make it stop shaking.

"Why are you this nervous?" I muttered. "Don't you pull things like this all the time?"

Sirius smiled sheepishly. "This is one of the greatest stunts I've ever pulled," he confessed, "and I just hope it plays out as well as I hope it does."

"It will be fine," I said warmly, admiring the joy in his face.

We looked up when the two teams entered the field with their broomsticks in hand. Sirius did a little wand flick and smoke started to take over the grass field. Fireworks exploded into the sky in the gold and red colours of our house. I sat on the edge of my seat when I realized that the fireworks started to form a lion that ran through the air. It even roared.

"No fireworks, eh?" I shouted over the noise.

"I may have lied a little," Sirius screamed back.

I was beaming, the smile almost too big for my face. Our stand was cheering and hollering, whereas the others were just stunned into silence. Except, well, for most of the Slytherins who were just shouting profanities at us. Whatever, I thought excitedly, we were going to kick their arses in the next game anyway.

For the grand finale two more fireworks shot into the air, right above the now crouching lion. It seemed ready to pounce and I laughed. White words appeared in the air above it: "Roar for Gryffindor."

Our stand exploded and I hugged Sirius close to me. "That was so worth it," I shouted into his ear.

It took Sirius a while to respond to the hug, but when he did I felt like the luckiest woman in the world. Reluctantly I pulled back a little to look into his eyes and saw them filled with mirth. He was laughing so loud it brought tears to his eyes. "I couldn't have done it without you, love," he told me proudly.

I squeezed his shoulders and wished I could freeze the moment, right here and right now. This was the happiest I had seen Sirius in a long while and I wanted him to be this jolly fellow all the time.

Merlin's beard, I was in way over my head.


	14. Those walls I built

_**A/N: My name, unfortunately, is not J.K. Rowling. Therefore I did not invent this marvelous place called Hogwarts, therefore I have no rights to this story except for the plot and my own characters. **_

_Hi guys,_

_I just want to say that I have the best readers in the world. As you all know, I've been having a pretty shitty week and you guys cheered me up immensely with your reviews and follows. Thank you. You're awesome._

_I also just realized that I'm going to need way more words than 50,000. I'm never going to wrap this up at the end of this month. Impossible. _

_Or I will need to do some serious plot revising. Hm._

_Anyway I hope you enjoy! Lots of dialogue in this one and I can't even say that I'm sorry. It's about time Nika opened up a little!_

_With love,_

_Kelly_

_P.S.: IT'S FRRIIIIIDAAAAAAAAAY! Enjoy your weekend!_

* * *

**Chapter 14**

_Remember those walls I built?_

_Well, baby, they're tumbling down_

_~Halo - Beyoncé_

Ravenclaw won the game, as we had all expected, but all anyone was really talking about was our prank. They didn't know that it was _our_ prank necessary, but it had 'made by a Marauder' written all over it. People were giving them all speculative glances and clapping them on the back in passing.

Sirius's ridiculous smirk hadn't lessened once that afternoon. It wasn't as weird as I had expected spending time with Sirius on a Saturday afternoon was going to be. I found out that Sirius was marvelous company to keep when you had nowhere to be and nothing to do. He could make the worst mundane task fun and worth repeating.

Darkness had fallen faster than expected that day. Sirius was laughing at something embarrassing I had done (honestly, I didn't mean to fall flat on my face! How was I supposed to know there was a foot in my way?), when the unexpected happened.

I didn't think that my speech had helped any, but James surprised me when he sat down next to Sirius that evening. He looked worn out, but there was a smile on his face and it was directed at Sirius.

Sirius stopped laughing abruptly and stared at his best friend. "Yes, James?" he asked in a bored voice.

I bit my lip and wondered if maybe I should leave the scene while I still could. The look Sirius sent me however made me stay put. I gave him a reassuring smile that I didn't really feel and he nodded faintly.

James watched the exchange in silence and wrung his hands. "Those were some wicked fireworks," he commented at last.

Sirius cocked his head to the side. "Thank you."

James sighed. "I remember us discussing them in our first year. I'm glad you finally did it."

"I am too."

I shifted uncomfortably and wondered if there was anything I could do for them. I stared at the two and saw Sirius give James a look.

James sighed. "Look, Padfoot-"

"Prongs-"

"Okay, you go first," Sirius said quickly, sitting up a bit straighter.

You'd think James was about to propose with the wild expectations in Sirius's eyes, I thought.

"I missed you, mate." James spoke quietly and decisive, making me believe that he had thought those words a lot in the past week.

"I missed you too. I was an arse."

"A complete twat," James agreed.

Sirius smiled and went in for the hug. They gave each other a good smack on the shoulder and Sirius chuckled a little.

I raised an eyebrow. They were shitting me, right? This couldn't be their big moment of resolving their problems and reconnecting with each other, right?

James opened his mouth, about to say something, but then stopped again. He gave me a confused look and mussed up his hair. He looked back to Sirius when he said: "Could we talk somewhere in private?"

Sirius gave me an apologetic smile. "Do you mind, love?"

I shrugged. "I guess not," I grumbled, moving away from the duo. I saw Lily sitting at one of the crowded tables and walked over.

"Ditched you, did he?" Lily asked, without looking up from her DADA textbook.

"I think they're making up," I said, using her chair for support since all the other chairs were currently taken.

Lily nodded. "It took them long enough."

I agreed. "Why, Lily, were you actually worried about them?" I teased.

Lily stiffened for a second, before closing her book and gently putting it down on the table. "No," she started slowly, "I was more worried about you. Still am, actually."

I blinked at that. "Whatever for?" I thought I had been doing quite well actually, not really worthy of any concern from anyone. Least of all Lily's.

I studied her tense shoulders and reconsidered. Well, she had always been a worrier that one.

"Because you've just started opening up," she said quietly, causing me to lean in closely for me to be able to hear it.

"You're afraid things will turn back to normal?"

Lily shook her head and turned around in her seat to study me. "I don't know. I think that this is more your natural state than the silent wallflower you were playacting before." I took slight offense to that. I didn't think I was playacting anything. Yes, sure, I hadn't always been this... carefree, but I had my reasons for being the way I was and still am!

I sighed and glanced over my shoulder to the two boys. James looked like he was tearing Sirius a new one, so it didn't look like rescue would be coming from over there either. "Lily, I'm not going to suddenly ignore you."

Was that really what she thought?

Lily flushed. "I- I'm just worried that you'll shut the world out again when Black goes back to his friends."

I frowned at that. I hadn't even fully thought about that yet, I realized. What if he rejoined his Marauders and ditched me? What if, all of a sudden, I wouldn't have him sitting next to me at breakfast anymore?

I felt my face fall.

I was happy, thrilled even, that Sirius was at least talking to James right now. I sincerely hoped they made up, but I also sincerely hoped that he'd still be my friend after it all. That nothing would change to our routine. Did that make me selfish? Naive?

Probably both, I decided, when I saw the duo passing right by me without a single look my way. They went upstairs, to their dorms, and I was left, staring at Lily. "I think they made up," I mumbled.

Lily gave me a faint smile. "Yes," she said softly.

I nodded and wondered if maybe I should be going back to our dorm after all.

Lily shoved her book into her bag and stood up. I hastily backed up to make room for her, but she just came over and hooked her arm into mine. "How about we have a girl's night?" she asked, hopefully.

"A girl's night?" I repeated. What did that entail again?

Lily nodded, loving the idea more by the second. "Yes, a girl's night. We could paint each other's nails, talk boys, talk homework, talk sneaky best friends, talk about Sirius Black."

"Why doesn't he fall under the boys category?" I asked with a raised eyebrow.

"Because he took over the "crushes" category," she told me grinningly.

"How's that?" I asked confusedly, not really liking the wicked glint in her eyes.

Lily nudged me rather playfully. "Because I don't have a crush, so our 'crushes' category consists solely of Sirius Black."

I sighed miserably. "You suck," I told Lily sincerely.

She laughed and gave me a wink. "No, I don't and I think you could use a listening ear to all things Sirius Black, don't you?"

I let her lead me upstairs. "I doubt you want to hear any of that," I muttered. I really didn't want to talk about Sirius with Lily. Or with anyone, really. It was just plain awkward and what if someone overheard? What if rumours started spreading? That wasn't exactly my idea of lying low and well, I just didn't want everybody snickering behind my back.

Merlin, what would Sirius do? I'm sure he already thinks I have a crush on him, but I'd rather not that his suspicions got confirmed.

"Why wouldn't I?" Lily frowned, opening the door to our dorm and releasing my arm.

I went to my bed and plopped down on it. "Because you don't like the Marauders," I pointed out in a d'oh kind of voice.

Lily dumped her bag on her bed and leaned against her bed post. "One doesn't have to like the boys one is gossiping about."

"Oh, Lily," I said sarcastically, "you are so wise."

She came towards me and stopped in front of me. "Let's see. How did you do it again? Oh, right." She pinched my cheek. "And don't you forget it, you handsome devil, you."

I blushed something fierce. "I didn't say that last bit."

Lily started giggling. "No, but you wanted to, right?"

I made a face and pulled her hand away from my face. "Please, Lily."

Lily moved back to her own bed and lied down on her stomach. Her chin rested on her fist as she studied me. "I really want to talk about boys though, Nika."

I blinked and removed my sweater. I threw it next to my bed and mirrored Lily's position. "Why is this so important to you? Do you have a crush?" She had said earlier that she didn't have a crush, but that could have been a lie. I searched her face, but there wasn't a blush in sight. Either Lily had a poker face that equaled the Marauders' or she just wasn't in love.

Lily grinned. "Why are you fighting this so much? Are you afraid that I'll judge you? Because I won't, I swear. I'm just curious what you see in him..."

I bit my lip as I thought the question over. What was it that attracted me so much to Sirius Black? And was I willing to share these feelings with Lily Evans? I studied Lily some more, before closing my eyes. "What's not to like? He's handsome, obviously."

"I didn't think that was the kind of thing you focused on," Lily carefully phrased.

I opened one eye and smirked. "I don't. I just thought to point out the obvious and hoped to get away with it too."

She threw a pillow my way.

I laughed, before grabbing her pillow and hugging it to my chest. "I don't know, Lily. He's hilarious. He can make me smile faster than McGonagall can purse her lips. He's smart and considerate of others." I saw Lily's look and conceded. "Well, most of the time anyway. He's outrageously stubborn, but he makes it look charming somehow. He is restless and always up to something. The mischievous twinkle in his eyes makes me want to join whatever crazy thing he's up to and damn the consequences. Oh Merlin and his wit! I could listen to him teasing me all day if it didn't make me blush so much."

"Girl, you have it bad," Lily said with a giggle and a huge smile.

I shook my head with a blush. I couldn't believe I had just said all of that, but then again... I could talk about that lad for days and nights on end.

"Do you think he knows?"

I bit my lip. "I hope not, but I doubt it. I think he automatically assumes every girl is in love with him until proven otherwise."

"Are you going to prove him wrong?"

I smirked at that. "Nobody can prove Sirius Black wrong, Lily. In his mind he's right even if he's wrong."

"I think he thought he had been pretty wrong downstairs."

"About the fight you mean?" I sighed. "I know. I still don't know what the fight was about though..."

Lily hesitated and stared at her sheets.

"Lily?" I sat up straighter. "Do you know something?"

A hand went through her hair in a motion not unlike James's. Normally I would have mentioned it, but now I wasn't interested in agitating her. I wanted her to spill.

"Severus talked to me today," Lily started slowly. "He told me that Sirius was a crazy -" she stopped again and I think she was paraphrasing a little when she continued, "bastard who left him to be devoured by a werewolf."

"That's ridiculous," I pointed out. "There are no werewolves in this school." I couldn't believe the nerve of that wizard. As if Sirius would do such a thing?! It was outrageous.

Lily's knowing eyes pitied me. "There might be werewolves in the Forbidden Forest. I'm quite sure that there are some."

"Nonsense. The centaurs wouldn't have it," I argued. "There are no werewolves here."

Lily gave me a sad smile. "Probably not," she agreed. "What do you think will happen now that James and Sirius seem to have patched up their friendship?"

I looked away from her and let myself fall on my back. I stared at the ceiling and wondered the exact same thing. What was going to happen now?


	15. Wanna feel I belong

_**A/N: My name, unfortunately, is not J.K. Rowling. Therefore I did not invent this marvelous place called Hogwarts, therefore I have no rights to this story except for the plot and my own characters. **_

_Hi guys,_

_I AM SO HAPPY WITH THIS CHAPTER LIKE OH MY GOD I DID IT AND I LOVE THE WAY SIRIUS IS WRITING HIMSELF._

_Phew. Now that I have that out of the way... Hi guys, how are you? Did I mention yet that I have the best readers in the world? Seriously I love you guys. You're always so kind to me in your reviews and you brighten my day instantly. (When I get over my absurd little panic attack to actually open my e-mail and read them. Hehehe.)_

_I hope you enjoy reading this chapter as much as I enjoyed writing it!_

_With love,_

_Kelly_

* * *

**Chapter 15**

_Wanna touch things I don't feel,_  
_Wanna hold on and feel I belong._

_~I'm still here - Johnny Rzeznik (Treasure Planet OST)_

I spent Sunday holed up in my dorm, talking to Lily. We talked about nothing and everything at the same time. I found out that she didn't in fact loathe James as she wanted the school to believe. She even admitted to having had a crush on the lad in third year, but she had never acted on it because she felt like she'd be betraying Snape.

"He was such a bully," Lily murmured a bit sadly. She shook her head and gave me a smile. "I'm completely over that now though."

I raised an eyebrow. "But why won't you just try and see where things go with James?"

Lily shrugged. "I don't think I can live with a bully."

Woah there. "Nobody's talking about living together, Lily. I'm just suggesting that you could give the lad a chance."

"Maybe," Lily smiled, "I should have given it a try in third year, but I'm not the same girl anymore. I've matured and grown out of the little crush I had on him. I've had other crushes meanwhile, whereas Potter has always remained the same. He's still pulling pranks on first years, he's still bullying Slytherins whenever he can and he has these constant flings on the side. I am not looking for that in a boyfriend, Nika. This has nothing to do with him liking me. My problem is me liking him, which I don't. Not anymore, at least.

There was a time that I thought it somewhat charming, you know. Boys will be boys, but if he ever wants anything serious in a relationship with me or someone else, he will have to mature. Nobody wants to date a little boy."

I didn't have to think long to know that she was right. I couldn't imagine James and her being together, not until he manned up and she lowered her standards a little. Because Merlin, did Lily have standards. She basically told me that she wanted a perfect boyfriend, the kind you only read about in books. I thought that unrealistic and had told her so repeatedly.

"Don't you think Sirius is perfect?" Lily asked me impatiently. "I want that. I want someone who thinks about me before going to bed. I want someone who's first thought in the morning is about me."

"That seems unrealistic, Lily. The first thought I have in the morning isn't about Sirius either."

"Then what do you think about when you open your eyes?" Lily frowned as if she thought it was impossible to not think about your crush 24/7.

Sometimes she really was a strange girl. It was always all or nothing with her and I worried that someday that way of thinking was going to get her hurt.

"That I need to pee."

She laughed at that. "Alright, I'll give you that."

"Lily?" I asked softly. She looked at me and waited. "For a smart girl you can be really naive sometimes. You do know that, don't you?"

She gave me an indulging smile, but her eyes were sad. As if she was well aware about her own antics and her unrealistic expectations of boys and life in general. "Nika, you do realize that you're really cynical for someone your age, right?"

I smiled back at her and we fell silent. Night had fallen quickly after that. It was weird how easy talking to Lily was starting to feel. She, just like Sirius, didn't insist on me telling all my secrets, but unlike Sirius she wanted to talk about different things. We didn't discuss pranks once, nor did we talk about desserts for two hours straight. (Don't even start. That was the weirdest, yet most fulfilling conversation I had ever had. Who knew Sirius Black adored strawberries coated in chocolate? I most certainly hadn't.)

No, with Lily I talked about professors. We discussed the bitchiest girls, what we were going to do in our Christmas break and boys.

Apparently she thought that Trey Sullivan from Hufflepuff was quite the stud, her word not mine, but if you asked me he had nothing on Sirius.

But then again, nobody could hold a candle to the lad. He was like a god, untouchable and yet imperfect in so many ways. No matter what Lily said, I knew that he had flaws, but somehow I didn't mind his stubbornness or his single mindedness. He was incredibly arrogant and prejudiced at times, but it was like there were twice as many good qualities to him than there were bad.

For my Christmas break, I figured I was going to spend it the same way I had the last 5 years. While I was staying at Hogwarts, Lily was considering going home. She wasn't really sure yet because she and her sister had a big fight in August and she wanted to steer clear of her a little while longer.

A part of me hoped that she'd stay here with me and another thought that was silly. I was perfectly independent and I didn't need anyone to make Christmas a magical holiday. Pun intended.

We didn't leave our dorm except for food. We always went early, before the Great Hall was full and especially before the Marauders arrived. I think Lily felt that I wanted to avoid Sirius a little while longer. I wanted to postpone the inevitable.

On Monday morning though, I figured that I had played a coward long enough. I had no idea where Lily had run off to and I was even a little glad that she wasn't with me when I made my way to the Great Hall.

I didn't think I could handle that at the moment, because knowing Lily she'll want to try and comfort me. I sat down at the Gryffindor table and grabbed a glass of milk. I couldn't help but think that this felt like old times. As if I was finally settling down after a wild adventure.

I was just taking a second helping of stirred eggs, when four boys sat down with me. Sirius sat at my right, James at my left and Remus and Peter had taken their seats across from us.

"Good morning, love," Sirius said, nudging my shoulder gently.

The others greeted me as well if albeit a little sleepy.

I blinked. "I eerh, good morning."

"Were you avoiding me?" Sirius asked, his eyes narrowed as he studied me.

I felt myself redden. "Not exactly," I hedged. Liar, liar, pants on fire. "I just wanted to give you some time."

Sirius nodded. He started filling his plate, as James started talking to Remus. "I know you're lying, love, and I don't like it one bit," Sirius whispered in my ear.

Shivers. His voice was making me actually shiver.

This was getting way out of hand.

James was talking to me, but I didn't really hear him. It was only when he said my name two times that I finally looked up. "Sorry what?"

I ignored Sirius's smug smile and decided that I wasn't talking to the lad anymore. Arrogant bastard.

James was smiling. "I was saying thank you for intervening when we were too stubborn."

I waved that away. "It was nothing."

"No," Remus said with a kind smile. "It was really something. I don't think anyone put James's in his place like that, besides Lily and Mrs Potter."

I grinned proudly at that. "You're welcome, James," I said sincerely, making the boys laugh. "So I take it you've solved everything?"

Peter nodded. "Yes," he confirmed. "We've missed our Padfoot."

Yes, I could certainly believe that. It was hard not having Sirius in your life, when you knew how wonderful life was with him in it. "I'm glad."

Sirius nudged my knee with his. "If you ever avoid me like that again, I'm hunting you down."

The warning sounded sincere enough for me to turn my head and study him. The intense look in his eyes took my breath away.

"Yes," Remus sighed. "Please, don't do that again. He was this close to freaking out like the little, spoiled princess he secretly is."

"You're just jealous that your eyes aren't as pretty as mine," Sirius said in a high pitched voice that I hoped to never hear again.

"Yes, Padfoot," Remus agreed, shaking with withheld laughter, "I'm sure that's it."

"If it's worth anything, I think your eyes are wonderful, Remus," I said teasingly.

"Thank you, Nika."

"Oh, my little dove, how you wound me. I thought you loved my eyes best."

I patted Sirius's head. "You'll get over it, Padfoot."

Sirius's eyes twinkled in mirth as the boys held their breath. I saw them exchange looks when I used the nickname, but since none of them outright objected, I just ignored them.

"You mock my pain," Sirius said dramatically.

I rolled my eyes at that and continued eating. I couldn't help the smile that crept on my face though and this time it was me who nudged her knee against his. He winked and my smile widened.

"Alright if you two could tone the newly found camaraderie down a little, then maybe I can ask our lovely Nika a question," James said with a smirk.

Sirius mumbled a 'jealous much' under his breath, but didn't say a thing.

I turned to James and cocked my head to the side in silent question.

"What is it that I have to do to bring Lily to her knees?" James asked me, all traces of humour gone from his face.

I pursed my lips at the question and felt a heavy sigh coming on. I didn't let it pass my lips though. "You're going to have to take that up with her, James. I'm not planning on getting involved in any Hogwarts romances," I told him seriously. It wasn't like I was going to jeopardize my new friendship with Lily over something like this. Especially after what she had told me yesterday. Right now the way things stood, I didn't think he stood a single chance of winning her over. I didn't really have the heart to tell him so, so I looked to Sirius for help.

It was Remus, however, who jumped to my rescue. "Don't pester the girl so, James. You'll make her run for the hills on her first day with us."

With us? I thought silently.

Peter must have seen the bewildered look on my face, because he gave me a comforting smile. "Padfoot has us all convinced of your awesomeness."

"Not that we needed much convincing," James said quickly.

I laughed at that. "Is that so?" Maybe I had been worrying all day over nothing yesterday.

Remus gave his friends a mocking sigh.

Sirius winked at me. "Guess what, love?"

"What?"

"You aren't rid of me yet."

Praise Merlin and all his spell books.


	16. Lying where they died

_**A/N: My name, unfortunately, is not J.K. Rowling. Therefore I did not invent this marvelous place called Hogwarts, therefore I have no rights to this story except for the plot and my own characters. **_

_Hello my darlings,_

_As you're about to read, I'm feeling quite dramatic today. (We're having quite the family drama and school is stressing me out.) So for those of you who also read Living In The Moment, I have some bad news. I've told some of you that I was going to update that fic today, but although I have about 1,700 words written for the new chapter I am not in the mood to finish it now. It's supposed to be quite a happy chapter with a lot of banter (It's New Year yay!), so I'm just not in the right mindset for it now. I'm sorry. I'll try and complete it as soon as I possibly can!_

_Anyway, back to Barking Mad. This chapter is one of the darkest chapters I've written yet for this story. It's easily the darkest, I believe. I know a lot of you have been eagerly awaiting what I was going to do about Nika being a banshee and voila... Here we are! Our very first vision and scream._

_I hope you enjoy, dearies._

_With love,_

_Kelly_

* * *

**Chapter 16**

_Did you see them lying where they died?_  
_Someone used to cradle them_  
_and kiss them when they cried_  
_~ Turning - Les Misérables_

The month November passed quickly after that. The school settled down and fell back in its ordinary rhythm now that the Marauders were once again united. Lily and I started hanging out more often, even to the point that we'd go out of our ways to be able to make our homework together. Which might not look like such a drastic concession to a normal person, but it certainly made me feel overwhelmed.

I had never spent so much time with other people that my alone time became a rare thing. Because whenever Lily wasn't with me, Sirius was. I hadn't really hung out with the other Marauders much, except for during meals. I tried to spend some meals with Lily so she wouldn't feel that left out, but the constant thought process of making sure I was pleasing everyone was getting to me.

That was why I was hiding in the library one Sunday night. I had thirty minutes before it was to be closed and I hugged the book I was reading closer to my chest. I had sat down under a window, between racks and racks of books all the way in the back of the library. I was trying to figure out this whole new life I was suddenly leading and so far I wasn't making much progress.

It was really great that Sirius still wanted to hang out with me even though he had his friends back. I knew that he too was trying to divide his time between his friends and me.

Did he feel the same way I did? After all we hadn't really known each other that long, now had we? Oh, how often I had dreamed that Sirius would talk to me and treat me as a friend in the past years. And yet, now that I have exactly that, I can't feel comfortable. I was constantly looking over my shoulder in a place I had always felt safe. When I had breached the subject with Dumbledore at one of our weekly meetings, he had almost insisted that I see Dr. Greene again.

I managed to sway him just, but I doubted anyone ever really swayed Dumbledore from anything. I still hadn't quite figured out why he didn't like me hanging out with Sirius Black. Maybe he feared that hanging out with a boy would only cause me more stress?

Or maybe it was something else entirely? I hadn't tried to figure Dumbledore out since first year though. I had deemed it impossible to ever fully understand the man with his eccentric ways and weird humour, but maybe it was time to revisit and revise that thought. Maybe it was time I started understanding his way of thinking.

Maybe then I would understand this strange fascination I had with Sirius Black? Because it was a strange fascination, even Lily seemed to think so. (Although she has repeatedly admitted to finding everyone with a crush on a Marauder strange in some way or another. If you asked me that girl was just in denial, plain and simple. She disliked the blokes so much that she didn't seem to be able to look past their flaws. She had once told me that all their handsome traits disappeared when she looked at them. All she ever saw was their actions; them bullying some Slytherin or their arrogance as they bragged about their latest prank. I've tried to persuade her, but haven't gotten very far. That girl is pretty darn stubborn.)

My mind wandered back to Sirius Black. His black hair had grown longer and the boys were teasing him about it too. They were always laughing that he now had the hair to match his girly personality. I disagreed. I quite liked the way his hair now fell in his eyes or the way his hair barely touched his shoulders. My fingers itched to run through it, but so far I had managed to resist the urge.

Merlin's beard, I was so pathetic with this unhealthy obsession over a lad. Especially one who was obviously toying with me, I thought sadly.

There were times when I thought Sirius was obviously flirting with me and, according to the glares I'd get that day, I would say that his 'fangirls' agreed. But he was so fickle. One day he'd make me feel like a princess and the next I was nothing more but an acquaintance. There was no in between and it was weighing me down.

Sometimes I think my friendship with Sirius was the worst thing that ever happened to me, whereas at other times I believe that it was the absolute best thing in my life right now. I had become more open-minded as I tried to share some things in my life with Lily. Things I never would have dreamed of sharing before.

I had even told her about my talks with Dumbledore, although I didn't dare tell her why I had them. I think she just assumed that I went to talk about my nightmares, although why one would require the Headmaster's attention for that was beyond me.

Dumbledore had advised me to talk with Lily about my parents. He thought that maybe then I wouldn't feel so pressured in pleasing her anymore. I had even tried to tell her today, but I had just given up before I even opened my mouth. My feelings on this hadn't changed yet. I wanted to share my crush and my thoughts with Lily, but I couldn't and wouldn't share my past.

When it was announced that the library was about to close, I sighed and left my safe hiding spot. My thoughts were pounding against my head, but I tried to shut off my brain for a little while. This constant worrying about nothing and everything at once, wasn't helping me.

I greeted Madame Pince as I left the library. I believe she grunted something back, but I wasn't entirely sure. I continued my way to the common room and wondered if Lily was regretting her decision to stay in Hogwarts yet. Christmas was, after all, only a week away and I suspected that she must be missing her parents like crazy. I know I was.

Once more lost in thought - I guess the shutting off my brain part wasn't something I excelled at - when I bumped into another student.

"I'm sorry," a male voice told me.

I looked up and froze. Ice was taking over my insides and goose bumps appeared on my flesh. I stared at the handsome boy as a vision took over my world.

_A dark mark was shining bright above a beautiful mansion. The white walls had an eerie effect against the dark night. An invisible force pulled me towards the open front door and inside the house. I felt sick to my stomach as I surveyed the scene before me. _

_ Blood was coating the walls and running down the stairs. The hall was decaying in front of my eyes, turning the bright and beautifully decorated hall into a rotting mess. I didn't dare look at the ground, fearing that I'd find out I was standing in some kind of a swamp. _

_ It had always disturbed me how decayed the world looked during one of my visions. Devoid of any warmth, my brain whispered, because this world wasn't for the living._

_ Something told me that what I was looking for would be found through the door in the far end of the hallway. I moved forward, staring at the door even as plants were bursting through the walls, trying to grab my ankles. They wanted to keep me here._

_ I hastened my pace and opened the door gently, afraid that I'd break it in my grip. The door led to a grey kitchen. The fruit on the counter was already rotting quickly as my gaze found the House-Elf on the kitchen floor. _

_ As soon as I noticed the blood surrounding its frail body, blood started pouring down the walls. I felt a scream coming on, but swallowed it. I hugged myself and felt tears falling down uncontrollably. _

_ I forced myself to keep moving. I couldn't do anything for the poor Elf. I wiped my eyes and hugged myself again for comfort as soon as my eyes were semi-dry. _

_ I found my way to a dark living room. Mud and red footprints decorated the marble floor, making me dread what was yet to come. I closed my eyes for a second. Just a second, I told myself, and then I'll continue on. Just a second._

_ Tears started falling again and I sniffled. I took a deep, shaky breath and opened my eyes again. There she lied. Her black dress was torn, showing various deep cuts that still oozed blood. Her left cheek was red, as if someone had recently slapped her, and her right arm was hanging in a weird angle. She had once been a beautiful woman, I realized as I studied the corpse. _

_ The tears were flowing faster, making it almost impossible to see anything anymore. With a heavy heart I tried to blink away the tears and followed the red footprints. They led me to the garden. The snow had red spots every now and then, until it changed into a pool of red. _

_ I swallowed and moved my eyes to the third corpse. Anthony Cooper, my brain told me as I looked at the lifeless boy. Seventh-year, Hufflepuff. Only last month I had went to his Quidditch game and seen him chase the Snitch. _

_ He wasn't going to chase any Snitches anymore, I thought sadly, before the vision disappeared completely._

"Are you quite alright? Can you hear me?"

Someone was kneeling in front of me. I clutched my stomach as I cried inconsolably.

"Should I take you to the infirmary? You're Nika, right?"

Dreadfully I followed the hands on my arms. I recognized the lad immediately, although he was still very much alive.

Anthony Cooper's eyes were taking me in worriedly, his hands tightening on my arms.

I had just enough time to draw one single breath, before I screamed.


	17. Men as a group, they're rather stupid

_**A/N: My name, unfortunately, is not J.K. Rowling. Therefore I did not invent this marvelous place called Hogwarts, therefore I have no rights to this story except for the plot and my own characters. **_

_Greetings dearies,_

_I am absolutely, completely and utterly displeased with this chapter, but I'd hate to break my promise to you guys more. May rewrite at some point._

_I forgot to answer to a question I received two days ago. Someone asked me if I based my characters on any people I know in real life. Unfortunately I haven't met anyone quite like the Sirius in my fic yet, although I am desperately willing for that to change. (Pleaaase?) So no, I'm not really basing any of my characters on people around me in real life. _

_CONGRATULATIONS TO STARKIDLUNA FOR COMPLETING HER NANOWRIMO ALREADY. YOU GO, GIRL!_

_I hope you enjoy as always!_

_With love,_

_Kelly_

* * *

**Chapter 17**

_Though we adore men individually_  
_We agree that as a group they're rather stupid!_  
_~Sister Suffragette - Mary Poppins OST_

"Dumbledore," I gasped when the scream finally died in my throat. My voice sounded raspy and unhealthy to my own ears.

Cooper gave me a weird look. "I think it would be wiser - to go see Madam Pomfrey?"

I shook my head wildly. "No," I rasped, "I have to see Dumbledore. You don't understand."

"I'm starting to think nobody ever does," Cooper muttered under his breath. "You're quite well in the mental department, right? Normally, I mean?"

I gave him a frustrated look and wanted to smack him upside the head with the whole freaking library. I was in no mood to made fun of, thank you very much. "If you don't plan on bringing me to Dumbledore, you can release me at once," I snarled. I'd find my own way to the Headmaster's office. It wasn't like I couldn't find my sodding way blind-folded after all!

Men. Honestly. I held my hand against my head and wondered how long it would take for that headache to disappear. Merlin, I hated Seeing.

Cooper seemed to be offended by my sudden mood swing. I wondered if he'd be all smiles if he had experienced the exact same thing I had just now. Something told me that he wouldn't deal with this half as elegantly as me. That seemed to make me feel better, at least. If only a little bit.

I pushed his hands away and got to my feet, if a little bit wobbly. I leaned against the wall for support and wondered if there was any shame in crawling to the Headmaster's office.

I looked at Cooper's retreating back and mentally shook my fist. So much for Hufflepuff loyalty and kindness, I thought angrily. I leaned against the wall some more and wondered if maybe I should just take a little nap. Just a little one, until my headache was gone and the sun was shining bright again.

Twelve hours at most, I promised myself, sliding down the wall to literally fall down on my ass on the floor.

I had just started nodding off when I heard laughter echoing through the halls. I was too tired to even open my eyes wide enough to see who was coming towards me.

After a few lazy minutes, my brain's Nimbus500 upgraded to a Nimbus1000. I could have sworn I had recognized Sirius's laugh. I forced my eyes open and blinked. There it was again. I tried to pull myself back to my feet, but just fell down again as if my legs had been made of yoghurt. Or was it jelly?

I frowned. Stupid brain.

"Nika?" I looked up when a figure knelt down next to me. "What happened, love? Are you alright?"

Did I look bloody alright? "Tired," I mumbled, letting my head fall on his shoulder. Apparently even sleepy me was always ready to touch handsome Sirius.

"I don't know, mate! What are you looking at me for? I didn't put her in this state," I heard a male voice sigh. "If I had she'd hardly be able to walk, now would she?"

"She's not walking, you idiot."

"Padfoot."

"_Prongs_."

"Fine," I heard the second voice sigh.

"We can't carry her to the girl's dorm, lads," a third voice piped up.

"I'm aware, Wormtail."

"Don't snap at Wormtail like that, because you're frustrated, Padfoot," the fourth voice finally said.

"You do realize," my sleepy voice drawled in a rasp, "that you sound like a married couple? Which is ridiculous, because there are no marriages that consist of four parties. No legal marriages anyway."

Someone chuckled.

"Sorry, love. Maybe we should take her to the Infirmary?" I heard the voices quietly murmur among themselves, before two strong arms picked me up.

I laid my head down on something that felt like a shoulder. Merlin, that boy smelled divine, I thought, vaguely realizing that I was currently being carried by Sirius.

Blast it all. I was too tired to fully enjoy the experience, my sleepy brain raged. I decided to not pay any attention to it for now, I just wanted to sleep.

Until I realized that I hadn't told Dumbledore my newest vision yet. "No. Can't. I have to see Dumbledore." My eyes popped open once more and I stared at a strong neck.

I blinked. What would he do if I kissed it?

Stupid sleepy brain. No assaulting the knight in shining armour.

"Sorry, love, you'll have to talk to Dumbledore in the morning."

"Sirius," I whined. He ignored me. I tried kicking my feet wildly in the air, but all I got was a pathetic wiggle. "Padfoot," I tried again.

"Nope. Not listening," he sang in my ear.

Ridiculous man.

Maybe he had a point though, I thought sleepily only half a second later. Christmas break was still a week away. Surely Dumbledore would be able to make arrangements for the Coopers in the morning? Surely it could wait a little while longer? Anthony hadn't gone home yet and Hogwarts was the safest place I knew...

Maybe Sirius wasn't that stupid after all, I thought as I laid my head back down on his shoulder. I heard James ask me something, but before I could even properly think about an answer I was asleep.

* * *

I woke up with a start. I sat up in my bed, eyes open wide. Merlin, I thought in a panicked haze. I looked around frantically, until I realized I was only in the Infirmary and not in St. Mungos as I first thought.

I leaned back against the headboard of the bed and closed my eyes briefly.

"Oh good, you're up!" Madam Pomfrey said. I looked at the stern blonde with distaste. "Yes, yes. Good morning to you too, Miss Schmidt. Care to tell me what happened?"

"The usual, Madam, the usual," I muttered softly. I couldn't believe that the lads really had dropped me off at the Infirmary. Surely I hadn't looked _that _bad?

I shook my head in misery and immediately regretted it. Merlin. "Headache," I croaked. I noticed that my voice had almost fully returned to its former state and couldn't help but be glad. I always wondered though, if a day would come when I'd scream so loudly that I'd permanently damage my voice.

I shuddered. The raspy voice may work for some girls, but it really didn't do anything for me. I was probably going to sound like a grandma on steroids today, so imagine what I'd sound like with a voice like last night's.

I accepted the cup Madam Pomfrey pushed into my hands and took a careful sip.

"Bottoms up," Pomfrey urged.

I made a face, pinched my nose closed and gulped it all down. "That tastes horrible," I muttered darkly.

"You'd think you'd be used to the taste by now," Pomfrey admonished me with a small smile.

I smiled back, even though I wasn't really feeling it. Couldn't hurt to be nice though, right? Right.

"I shall let professor Dumbledore in then," Pomfrey announced promptly, before taking the cup away from me and marching away.

She was such a strange woman, I thought with another shake of my head. My smile grew more genuine when I realized the headache was already fading. Her potions were true masterpieces. If only I could brew like that, I mused. I could become a healer and do some actual good with my gift.

I looked away. It was useless thinking like that, I knew that. I couldn't help it though, sometimes I ached to be like any other, normal and sane girl.

I thought back to the little stuffed bunny in my trunk at the feet of my bed. Was it weird that I wanted to hug Andrew to my chest right now?

Probably. I figured it was hardly normal for a sixth year student to crave her stuffed animal every time things got rough.

"Good morning, Miss Schmidt," professor Dumbledore greeted me happily.

What was he so happy about? I thought with a grimace. "Morning, professor."

"There are four very handsome gentlemen waiting outside those doors for you," he announced as if that would make me all better in an instant.

I had to admit that the thought did perk me up a little, although it could hardly take away the sadness of what I had witnessed last night. I doubted anyone would ever be able to take that completely away.

There I went again with my cynical thoughts. Maybe Lily was right. Maybe I truly was a tad too cynical for someone my age.

But then again, tell me something I didn't know, eh?

"I'll make sure not to make them way too long then," I told Dumbledore with a half-hearted smile.

It was the concern in his eyes that cowed me a little and toned down the sass. "Please take however long you need, Miss Schmidt."

I nodded slowly. "I had a vision last night."

Dumbledore nodded. He had probably figured as much. "Want to talk about it?"

Not really. "It was Anthony Cooper," I sighed. "I believe that somewhere during Christmas break Death Eaters will barge into his home and kill him and his mother."

"Not his father?" Dumbledore asked, alert at once. I doubted the man was ever caught unaware though, but there was something about receiving Dumbledore's complete and utter attention that made me feel special. Important. As if whatever I had to say really mattered.

Which it did, obviously, otherwise two innocent people would die, but even when I didn't have a vision... Dumbledore's attention had a way of making you feel intelligent and important that nobody else's had. It was hard trying to defy him when he turned that kind of gaze your way.

Trust me. In the six years I had known the professor, I certainly had tried at least a dozen times.

"I don't think so," I mused aloud. "I certainly didn't see him if he did."

"Odd," Dumbledore commented.

I silently agreed. If the man had died, the power would have urged me to his body. "I don't think he'll be home at the time."

Dumbledore nodded silently, his eyes a serious shade of blue. "Thank you, Nika. I hope you feel better soon."

"Madam Pomfrey's potions are doing their work nicely, sir."

Dumbledore gave me a smile that I liked to think of as somewhat affectionate. "Very well, Miss Schmidt. I will contact you later this week for our scheduled conversation."

Which was a nice way of saying that I shouldn't forget about my therapy session. I nodded solemnly and said my goodbyes. My gaze followed his steps to the door and watched it close behind him.

The Marauders and probably Lily were waiting for me outside that door and I didn't have a plausible explanation for what happened.

Merlin, this was going to be a rough day. Was it Christmas yet?


	18. Put my name at the top of your list

_**A/N: My name, unfortunately, is not J.K. Rowling. Therefore I did not invent this marvelous place called Hogwarts, therefore I have no rights to this story except for the plot and my own characters. **_

_Hullo,_

_How are you all today? I'm feeling better and I think that's going to show in my writing, although it is just as dramatic as the last two chapters. It's a different kind of drama though, so no more deaths._

_Speaking of deaths, I got a review last night that I thought would be better addressed here. Someone suggested that Nika should have been more relieved to find Anthony still alive. She _knows_ Anthony isn't dead yet and that she may or may not be able to prevent his death all together. The reason why she doesn't show that much of emotion is because one, she's physically and mentally exhausted and two, she isn't too emotionally invested in her visions. She just can't be, because that would drive her mad. As a banshee, she sees dead bodies of people she knows or loved ones of acquaintances at least a couple of times a year. Especially considering that there's a war starting outside those castle walls. I believe that Nika would break if she was that emotionally invested in all her visions and she's broken quite enough already, don't you agree? (I do agree with everything else the reviewer mentioned though. It wasn't one of my finer chapters. Sigh.)_

_Anyway this chapter is going to get me so many angry reviews, I just know it. Do keep in mind though that things happen for a reason. _

_I hope you enjoy this chapter!_

_With love,_

_Kelly_

* * *

**Chapter 18**

_This is the last time I'm asking you this,_

_Put my name at the top of your list_

_The Last Time - Taylor Swift ft. Gary Lightbody_

I opened the huge infirmary doors and was greeted by four smiling faces. Well, okay. I would have liked them to have been smiling. It certainly would have looked a lot more charming than the frowns they were currently wearing.

"Hi lads," I greeted somewhat awkwardly, wondering if it was even possible for the ground to swallow one whole. Where there is smoke, there's fire, right? Muggles had to have come up with it from somewhere. So if the ground can swallow someone, I know a ready candidate to try it out on.

"Hi love," Sirius said with a smile that made my heart beat violently against my ribs.

I had no idea why I wasn't used to hearing his voice or seeing his eyes on me yet. We had been hanging out for several weeks now and still... Every time I heard his voice I was ready for him to take me against the wall. Right then. Right there.

Not that that was going to happen, but it was a fun fantasy to have before I fell asleep. I had always thought it strange how people imagined the things they wanted to happen in their life before falling asleep. When I had asked my mother about this, she had laughed delightedly. According to her, those fantasies were wishes sent into the otherworld where fairies would pluck them when they had ripened enough.

Fairies were guarding my fate.

I used to like the sentiment as a little girl, but when I looked at Sirius now I knew that my wish would never be ripe enough to be cashed in for this. He might not be perfect, but he was my version of perfection and the thought of ever having him, of ever knowing him intimately (emotionally _and_ physically) was something my brain just couldn't comprehend.

Then again I just didn't want my wish to ripen enough for Sirius Black. I wished him better luck in life than what he'd receive with me. He wouldn't hit the - how do Muggles say it - jackpot with me at all.

I finally tore my eyes away from Sirius, realizing all too well that his eyes hadn't left mine for an instant either. The thought warmed me, against my better judgment. I smiled at the other boys and politely asked how they were.

"Don't mind that," James said with a frown. "How are you feeling?"

Upon hearing his voice, I started to recall a weird scene from last night. "James Potter, did you tell me yesterday that I wouldn't be able to walk if you had tired me out?" I felt my cheeks redden, but my diversion tactic had worked perfectly.

The Marauders started laughing and hooting. Sirius teased that James wasn't man enough for the task, whereas Peter laughed that Lily would have his head if he even tried to do so.

Remus was oddly quiet through it all. I wanted to ask him if he was feeling quite alright, but the green colour of his skin told me enough. It may also have been quite cowardly of me to not want to bring the subject back to anything health related, but I doubted Remus would have told me anyway.

Now I was pathetic, crazy and a coward. Some Gryffindor I was.

The boys walked me back to the common room to fetch my books, a change of clothing and a quick shower. After I had done just that, they accompanied me to the Great Hall. My stomach was growling something fierce, which made Sirius's eyes twinkle.

"Stop laughing at me," I said, shoving him away from me a little.

Sirius just laughed and grabbed my waist. He let his hand rest on my hipbone and I couldn't say I minded. "How about you stay right here, where I can see you, love?"

I raised an eyebrow at that, willing myself to stop blushing. It really was sad that I was turning into a permanent tomato coloured witch around the lad. Lily just couldn't stop teasing me about it either, the traitor. "Why's that, Padfoot?" I still wasn't used to using the nickname either, it somehow felt forced to me. "Afraid I'll disappear?"

"As you say, my dove," he whispered against the top of my head, before kissing it.

I think I melted. Maybe somebody should mop me up and put me together again. I saw him smirking from the corner of my eye, which, of course, ruined the whole thing. I smacked him in the stomach. Not hard enough to hurt, but certainly hard enough to be felt. "Prat."

He stuck out his tongue, but kept his hand on me at all times.

"When are you coming up with a serious nickname for me though?" I really didn't like the dove thing that he stubbornly kept on calling me.

"I kind of like 'dove'," Sirius said defensively.

"I don't."

"Then you're the one with the problem, love, not me."

I glared at him, which only made his smirk widen. "Why do I even put up with you?"

"Because you love me," Sirius sang, turning every head our way when we entered the Great Hall.

I looked away from him and started walking faster, so his hand fell away from my hip at last. "Really starting to doubt that right now," I muttered angrily, wondering when the earth was going to swallow me at last.

James must have heard me, because he started laughing. "Your charms are failing you, Padfoot dearest. She has just rejected you and your girlish hair." His voice turned comforting and pitying at the same time. The boy should become an actor, I thought amazedly as his face transformed to support the role he was currently playing. "And in front of the whole Hall too, you poor thing."

"How will I ever live this down," Sirius wailed.

I was ready to hit them both. "Sod off, both of you," I told them loudly, making some guys snicker.

"I think she has rejected us both now, Prongs," Sirius said, wide-eyed.

"Yes," I agreed. "I have decided to elope with Peter and Remus."

"At the same time?" James gasped, shocked. He grabbed Sirius in the process and the two idiots clung to each other as if the world was about to end.

"Yes," I said. "Now stop making a fuss or you're not allowed to the wedding."

Sirius grinned as he let go of James and sat down at the table. "Weren't you the one that said such a thing was illegal?"

I had no idea wherever it came from, but I managed to give Remus a flirtatious smile. "Sometimes exceptions just have to be made, Padfoot."

"How you break my poor little heart, my dove."

"You don't have one, Padfoot," James laughed, smacking his friend on the back.

Sirius thought that over for a second, before shrugging as if he silently agreed.

These boys, honestly. I opened my mouth to retort something very witty, no doubt, when Sheila stopped at our table.

"Sirius, I would have a moment." She gave me a death glare, making James "oooh" under his breath. I kicked his shins under the table.

"You're so violent today," he complained in hushed tones.

I ignored him. I really wanted to hear this.

Sirius didn't even turn around to look at her. "Not now, Sheila."

I bit my lip worriedly as I looked from Sirius to his babe and back again. This couldn't end well. It just couldn't.

I had to admit though that she looked fabulous. Her make-up was ballroom material and her hair curled perfectly at the middle of her back. I admired and hated it at the same time.

"Why not now? What's wrong with now?" She sounded near hysterics and something told me that this wasn't the first time they had this kind of conversation either. Sheila looked ready to cry, whereas Sirius stared stone-facedly at Remus. The latter looked slightly uncomfortable when he too got an angry glare from Sheila.

Sirius grabbed his fork and started eating, as if she hadn't spoken at all.

Brutal.

And to think that we had only moments before been joking about rejection.

"Why can't you just ever make me your priority? Aren't I your girlfriend?"

I flinched in her stead when I saw Sirius pause. Wrong choice of words, I thought sadly. I may not like the girl, but I didn't wish the oncoming situation on anyone. Being dumped in the Great Hall during breakfast wasn't exactly something one enjoyed.

"I don't have a girlfriend, Sheila," Sirius spoke slowly, as if she was mentally deranged instead of just distressed and hurt.

I pursed my lips, not liking the tone he was getting at all. I gave him a look, but either he didn't notice or pretended he didn't.

"Then what am I?" she yelled.

Sirius shrugged and he said one of the cruelest things I had ever hear him say to anyone. "A shag?" he offered.

I balled my fists as I stared at him in disbelief. I just couldn't believe he said that. The Gryffindor table held its breath as Sheila, the beautiful Ravenclaw princess, completely lost her cool.

A single tear ran down her cheek as she stared at Sirius's back. "Don't I mean anything at all to you?"

His answer was a condemning silence that made her breath catch in a sob. I looked around and my eyes found Lily's. Her eyes were compassionate as she shook her head. I had no idea what she meant to say. Don't get involved? Get involved? Her pitying look transferred back to Sheila, who just stood there.

"Why won't you look at me?!"

"Sirius," I said warningly, when I saw that he was shaking his head in a movement not unlike Lily's just moments before.

His eyes shot to mine and I glared at him. Not comprehending why he was behaving like such an arse at all.

Surprise flickered in his eyes, before it died down. The cold mask was back again. The mask his parents had probably taught him to perfect when he was a toddler.

I closed my eyes as soon as I thought it. Hating myself for even thinking of him like that, but right then and right there I felt like I was looking at a Slytherin more than a Gryffindor.

Sheila finally got the hint, turned around on her heel and walked back to the Ravenclaw table with her head held high. I admired her self-restraint, if that had been me I would have run crying from the Great Hall.

James gave his friend a meaningful look, but didn't comment. He just grabbed food and started shoveling it in his mouth. He seemed perfectly okay with the whole situation, which only made me seethe more.

I looked at Remus for help and saw that he too was looking disapprovingly at the love of my life. "That was harsh, Padfoot."

"Sorry, mum," Sirius said sarcastically.

What the hell? Had he just undergone a complete personality change? "What has gotten into you?" I hissed. "That poor girl. How could you?"

Sirius rolled his eyes at me. "You don't even like her, Nika. What do you care?"

Because that could have been me. "Because that was just cruel, Sirius Black," I said, my voice cold as anger took over my body. I couldn't believe I was in love with such a prat. I stood up from the table and only hesitated when I saw a slight look of panic in his eyes. It disappeared as fast as it had appeared though, so I didn't pay any attention to it. None of his boyish charms were going to keep me here, right now.

I needed some time to wrap my head around this. It was one thing hearing about Sirius dumping his girls and watching it firsthand. "I think it's better if I avoid you for a day or two," I murmured.

I ignored the looks I was getting from the other Marauders.

Sirius shook his head. "We still need to talk about yesterday."

Bugger, I had hoped he had forgotten about that. I grabbed my bag and shook my head. "No, we don't."

Without another word, I walked away. Maybe he really didn't have a heart, I thought as I sat down opposite from Lily.

"I'm proud of you," Lily whispered, giving the Marauders a fierce glare.

I felt Sirius's gaze on me and bit my lip. I wasn't going to look. I sure as hell wasn't! "That was nothing to be proud of, Lils," I sighed.

Her gaze shot to mine and her face softened. Either at the spontaneous nickname or the look on my own face. "Nika-" she started, as if she knew exactly what I had been thinking through the whole thing.

I didn't doubt that she did though, which made me send her a colder glare than I meant to.

She didn't speak again and we ate in silence.

Was I just another Sheila waiting to be dumped? I silently wondered. I wasn't going to look, I chanted in my head. Don't look. Don't look.


	19. You're quick sand

_**A/N: My name, unfortunately, is not J.K. Rowling. Therefore I did not invent this marvelous place called Hogwarts, therefore I have no rights to this story except for the plot and my own characters. **_

_Hi lovelies,_

_OMG. Thank you so much for your kind reviews! And did you guys notice? I got over a 100 follows on this story now! What the - you guys, rock. Seriously. Honestly. Absolutely._

_This chapter continues with the drama, I'm afraid. Someone pointed out in their review that Nika was slightly becoming a Mary Sue. I don't know who you are, love, but I'm sorry you feel that way. It's certainly not my intention to turn her into anything like that, especially since I, myself, don't see Nika as a perfect, bubbly and adored by all king of girl that always gets her way. So I'm sorry if I've been writing her like that! Thank you for pointing it out though and I'll make sure to keep it in mind when I write! _

_It's Wednesday already. Only two more days till the weekend. Am I the only one craving a decent night's sleep?_

_Damn you, college. Damn you._

_I hope you enjoy this chapter!_

_With love,_

_Kelly_

* * *

**Chapter 19**

_And I'd be smart to walk away,_

_but you're quick sand._

_~Treacherous - Taylor Swift_

Potions that day was slow torture. I could feel the Marauders's confused gazes on the back of my head as I sat stiffly with Lily at our table. We were supposed to be brewing Felix Felicis today and all I knew was that I was a total baboon when it came to potion brewing whereas Lily was totally kicking ass. Which, in all honestly, wasn't any real news to me at all.

I looked at the colour of our potion and sighed when it already had the acquired yellow colour. I didn't doubt that it would turn to gold soon and dared a look at Snape's potion. His was already a beautiful gold shade and I glared at him. How did he do that anyway? Beat Lily in Potions? Potions, for crying out loud! Sometimes I thought Lily came from a line of potion brewing geniuses, but since she's Muggleborn that wasn't likely.

I sighed, when Lily smacked my hands away from the table. I held up my hands in surrender and rolled my shoulders. I bit my lip as I took a quick look over my shoulder.

I gulped when I saw Sirius glaring at me. I glared right back. What was he glaring at me for? I wasn't the heartless son of a bitch that dumped a girl brutally in a room full of our peers!

I turned back around and silently berated myself for looking in the first place. Honestly what had I expected to find? Sirius sending sorry notes to Sheila?

I didn't think that would have made me happy either.

No. I know it wouldn't have cheered me up one bit.

I rolled my eyes at my own ridiculousness. I wasn't making any sense whatsoever.

"Could you please stop moping so loudly?" Lily asked without looking up from where she was cutting frog legs to pieces. "You're obviously thinking about him and I think you'd better concentrate on our potion that _I_ am brewing by my lonesome!"

I balled my fists at that, not really in the mood to humour her right now. What had her in such a sour mood all of a sudden anyway? "Don't talk to me like that, Lily. You're the one who keeps snatching things away from me every time I try to help."

"Yes, because your head is with a certain Marauder and you keep messing up!"

"Lily," I said threateningly, sitting up straighter in my chair.

"Don't even start," Lily hissed silently, giving the Marauders a dangerous look. "I understand that you're heartbroken about what happened, but giving me the silent treatment isn't going to help. If you are so dependent on the lad then by all means, go talk to him and kiss his ass some more."

"Lily!" I snarled, glaring at her. What the hell was she going on about? What had crawled up her ass and died? Must have been something god damn awful from the looks of her sour face, I thought angrily.

"Don't Lily me, Nika," she said slowly as if she was thinking about stabbing some sense into me with that dangerous looking knife she was holding. She seemed to think the same thing I was, since she gracefully laid the knife down on the table. "You know it's true," she continued. "You always give him what he wants and let him mock you and your silly crush on him."

I hushed her, turning beet red as she said those things. I saw some girls look up interestedly, but hoped they hadn't been paying attention before. My attention was slowly leaking away, although I was still very much disgruntled with how Lily decided to confront me. "Do you want everyone to know?"

"My wee dove," Lily whispered in a mock voice that somehow resembled Sirius's frighteningly well, "everybody already does."

I felt the blood drain from my face as I sat there and stared at her. I felt myself tearing up, but blinked it away. I didn't feel like turning on the waterworks for all to see and jeer about. "Am I that pathetic?" I hated how broken my voice suddenly sounded, but Lily's harsh comments had hit a sore spot.

I had after all been thinking that Sirius had been taunting me for a while now with the hot and cold game he had been playing with me. Had he really just been toying with me?

Was I just an amusement to those boys? Insecurity made me hug myself. I was so foolish, wasn't I? To think that I could even have friends! Let alone befriend the boy I had been crushing on for such a long time. The boy that I had started caring for in a whole different, deeper way recently.

I looked away and stared at the cauldron.

Lily voice had softened when she spoke again. "I wouldn't say pathetic," she told me quietly. "But you are being quite obvious about it."

I swallowed and nodded. "Yes, I see," I said even though I really didn't. I felt blind, stumbling in the dark like the fool I was.

I stared unseeingly ahead of me as Lily started stirring clockwise. I knew the classroom was rather unruly, but I couldn't hear any of it anymore. I wanted to shut the world out, be on my own little island again.

I closed my eyes and told myself to man up. No lad was worth this kind of agony, especially not if he treated you thusly.

A little part of me wondered if all of it had been part of this grandiose plan of toying with me.

It hurt me more than expected when I couldn't come up with a reasonable answer. I felt like that alone told me enough about our friendship.

But then again... He had allowed me to call him Padfoot, right? Nobody else was allowed to address him that way. He shot them all down whenever someone tried anyway, but with me he insisted that I used it.

Just to make me trust him more? To doubt the truth when its painful fist hit me square in the face?

But he had never outright mocked me right? He had never really _said_ anything, just smirked that trademark smirk of his.

I zoomed in on the potion when I saw its colour changing to a brilliant gold. I could definitely use some luck, especially since Fate had screwed with my life once more. I figured that she owed me one.

"I'm sorry," Lily murmured.

I looked up and gave her a confused look. "No, Lily, I shouldn't have ignored you like that." I didn't say sorry exactly though. I hadn't quite forgiven her for treating me like she had in front of our classmates. In front of him.

Merlin, he must have seen the whole thing!

What do you care, Nika, I told myself sternly. He certainly doesn't. It's better this way anyway, because you obviously could have never had a real relationship with him.

A relationship required truthfulness and trust, right? Something both of us seriously seemed to lack in our repertoire.

"That's not it," Lily sighed. "I shouldn't have come at you like that. I was just... afraid."

It sounded more like a question than a statement and I looked away from her again. "Let's talk about this some other time, yes?"

Lily grabbed my hand, forcing me to look back at her. "Don't shut me out, Nika." There was a quiet desperation in her that answered to mine.

Quite the sight we must have been, I thought, clutching at each other's hands as we were. I gave Lily a forced smile. "Don't fret, Lils." I stressed her nickname to reassure her. "I won't."

Lily nodded. She turned around and grabbed a flask to put our potion in. When she went to Slughorn to hand it in, I grabbed another flask and poured some Felix Felices in it for myself.

I slid the flask in my robes and felt slightly better. Now, at least, I had an insurance that if things got any worse than this that I'd have a way out. A way to make it better.

It was the least the universe could give me, after all.

* * *

It was the first time in a long time that I missed Dr. Greene and his hateful insights in my life. I was quite certain that he would get me out of the pity party that I was throwing for myself in a blip.

Maybe I should take Dumbledore up on the offer of calling on him again. I thought I had been doing better, but my emotional state definitely proved me wrong. I'd tell Dumbledore tomorrow evening, I thought. That should at least please the old man, right?

I tried to focus back on my homework. I was so going to fail Transfiguration if I didn't start paying attention to what I was writing down. I was pretty sure that me doodling on my parchment was hardly E worthy.

"Do you mind if I sit here?" a voice asked me softly.

I didn't look at him as I crushed my quill in my palm. "I do actually."

"The common room belongs to everyone though, doesn't it?"

I closed my eyes and inwardly cursed every god that had ever been believed in. I decided the best approach was none at all and forcefully started concentrating on my essay again.

He sat down anyway. "I wanted to talk about what happened this morning."

I didn't.

"I have no idea why you took it so badly."

No, he wouldn't.

"Maybe I shouldn't have been quite so-"

"Emotionless, cold?" I offered.

"Blunt," Sirius said quietly. "Maybe I shouldn't have been quite so blunt about it."

He definitely shouldn't have, no. "Do you even realize why I'm mad, Sirius?"

I didn't dare look at him even though I heard him shift in his seat. I knew that the second I looked at him, I'd drown in my own feelings all over again. If today had taught me anything, it was that I wasn't anyone's plaything. Not anymore. Not ever.

Sirius seemed to hesitate. "There isn't a right answer to this, is there?" he asked me carefully, making me whip around to stare at him incredulously.

"I guess there isn't," I said coldly. Of all the things I had expected for him to say that most certainly wasn't it. He made it sound like I was being an unreasonable, moody girl on her period. Which for everyone's information, I wasn't. On my period, I mean.

"Nika," Sirius sighed, pinching his nose in frustration. "I don't understand this. What's happening?"

I'm standing up for myself, I thought sadly. Sometimes I wished I could just stick my head in the sand, be oblivious to the obvious. "I don't think this is going to work."

He frowned. "What isn't?"

"This." I gestured between us as I tried my hardest to keep my resolve. No matter how lost he looked, no matter how lost I felt... This was the right thing to do. The healthy thing for me to do.

"You can't be serious!" he exclaimed. "All because of Sheila?"

I shook my head. "No, because of how you behaved toward her and toward me."

He seemed at a complete loss at that. "What did I do to you?"

"If you even have to ask that," I sighed, letting the sentence die. I shook my head and got to my feet. I gathered my stuff and was ready to go when he grabbed my wrist.

"I don't know what's going on here," Sirius said calmly all his previous emotions locked away again, "but I don't like it. I thought we were friends?"

"So did I," I whispered, before tugging my wrist free.

"You're overreacting, dove. I would never treat you like I did Sheila," Sirius swore, jumping to his feet as well.

It was the nickname that almost undid me. He tried to grab my hand again, but I shook my head, stopping him dead in his tracks. "We need time apart. You don't know me, I don't know you and our friendship was just something of convenience for you. You didn't have anyone else at the time and turned to the first person you saw."

I had a kind of déjà vu when Sirius's face resembled the cold mask he had worn this morning. "Is that what you think?"

He just proved my point. "That's what I see. Maybe after Christmas break we'll talk." I turned to leave again, but his voice stopped me.

"At least tell me if you're alright?" The concern in his voice had me doubt my whole reasoning. What if I really was overreacting? What if I was seeing things that weren't there?

I shook my head. There I went again! If I kept this up I wasn't going to survive detention with him tonight. "Emotionally or physically?"

"Both," he muttered darkly.

"I am in perfect health, Sirius. See you in class." This time I safely escaped to my dorm. I crossed the room in big steps, ignoring the surprised looks from Emily and Miranda. I dumped my books on my bed and pulled my trunk open. I started rummaging through it furiously until I found what I was looking for.

I took Andrew from the bottom of my trunk, sat on my bed and closed the drapes. I hugged the stuffed animal close as I thought about the conversation I just had.

I was definitely going to need Dr. Greene if I wanted to remain sane after that detention tonight. No doubt about that.


	20. The swirling storm inside

_**A/N: My name, unfortunately, is not J.K. Rowling. Therefore I did not invent this marvelous place called Hogwarts, therefore I have no rights to this story except for the plot and my own characters. **_

_Ola,_

_This is going to be a quickie, because I have places to be, books to read and showers to take. _

_First of all I'd like to inform you all that I'm going to a musical tomorrow night (West Side Story, woot woot!) and I don't know when I'll be home or behind a computer to write a new chapter. Hopefully I'll be able to update tomorrow, but I don't know. I'll try._

_This chapter is somewhat of a last minute decision and I can't say that I regret it. It fits the plot better than what I had first imagined would happen in this chapter! I hope you'll like it too!_

_Thanks again for your unwavering support and kind comments, guys. They really mean the world to me. Thank you!_

_With love,_

_Kelly_

* * *

**Chapter 20**

_The wind is howling like the swirling storm inside_

_Couldn't keep it in, heaven knows I tried_

_~ Let It Go - Demi Lovato_

I waited in front of the classroom, my homework pressed against my chest just in case. You never knew if McGonagall was feeling generous and allowed us to do some schoolwork. _That_ I definitely could use.

I was staring at the oak door of McGonagall's classroom when Sirius walked toward me and leaned against the wall beside me. He didn't say a thing and neither did I. I wasn't in the mood for saying anything about what had happened only two hours before and wished that I could just erase the whole fiasco from my memory.

I wasn't kidding when I said that sometimes it was better to simply stick your head in the sand and say 'screw you' to the rest of the world. We waited for what felt like an eternity, but was probably closer to a tortuous ten minutes. I didn't even dare look at the handsome lad next to me, I just knew that I wouldn't be able to resist him for a damn if I did.

And I wanted to resist. I needed to resist and stand up for myself. Just this once.

Well, scratch that damn it. From now on I was going to stand up for myself and screw the consequences. I was done crawling under beds and hiding behind Dumbledore's cloak when things got rough. I was my own person and the Sorting Hat had placed me in Gryffindor for a reason - or so I gathered and hoped - and I was going to prove that I belonged here.

I stared a hole in the door and hugged the books closer.

"Nika?"

"Yes?"

Well, it had been a good speech, right?

"Never mind."

I silently breathed a sigh of relief and berated myself at the same time. Was that ignoring him? Honest to Merlin, I was so desperate for his attention that I was just becoming even more pathetic if that was even possible.

I held my head up high and smiled faintly when McGonagall finally arrived. "Good evening, professor," I greeted her politely.

"Miss Schmidt," she nodded. "Mr. Black."

"Always a pleasure, professor," Sirius replied huskily.

I rolled my eyes. Smooth, son. Smooth. Did he honestly think he would be able to flirt his way out of detention?

I dared a glance at his face and chuckled darkly. Of course he thought that exact thing. He was a Marauder after all, a King of Hogwarts and self-proclaimed heartthrob. He probably thought he could do what he damn well liked and get away with it too.

Guess what, handsome, I thought with a sneer, the wind's changing.

I followed McGonagall into her classroom and she had us sit down at our own desk. I chose mine in the front, whereas Sirius confirmed his "cool" status by picking a seat in the back. Whatever.

He wasn't bothering me anymore. I was done.

Other and better men, better looking and funnier, amen, I rhymed silently, repeating the verse I had read somewhere once.

"You're going to write me an essay on why breaking and entering is immoral and what it does to our wizarding society if we'd allow such a thing without consequences," McGonagall briskly said, making me think that that wasn't such a hard task at all. Until I heard the rest. "At least seven foot, please. When you're done, I'll give you something else to do."

She managed an evil little smile that I raised an eyebrow at. Well, in all honesty if someone had painted my room pink I doubted my revenge would just exist of them writing an essay. McGonagall was going soft on us for some reason, although her evil little smile was something to behold for sure.

I shrugged and grabbed my parchment as I started thinking about how to tackle this stupid essay. I decided to give it as good as I got and started writing out my idea.

* * *

Two hours later I thought I had done pretty well and had only a couple of inches left to finish my essay. I tried to think of a good ending, when I heard Sirius's chair scrape the ground. I looked up and watched him walk to McGonagall's desk and hand in his essay. He didn't look at me when he walked back to his chair and simply sat down.

McGonagall hadn't said a thing as she received the parchment and I felt my eye twitch. How on Earth had he finished already? Especially since he rarely wrote an essay of his own! I resisted the urge to glare over my shoulder and told myself that this was silly.

What did I have to be angry about? He had probably made an half-assed attempt anyway. I finished mine with a flourish, handed it in and sat back down.

McGonagall nodded at us both and motioned for us to stand after she read both the essays in an almost insufferable silence. She didn't say which one she preferred or what she thought of them, but just asked us to follow her.

We were guided to the library, where Madam Pince awaited us sourly.

"Honestly, Minerva," the angry-looking woman started, but McGonagall held up a hand to stop her before she had even really begun.

"No, Irma, you need a night off from this place," McGonagall said, giving the library a look. "And I need your help with something," she added as if in afterthought.

I saw Sirius snap to attention at her last sentence and shook my head. He was incorrigible and I didn't mean that in the adoring way girls sometimes told their boyfriends that either.

Madam Pince turned to us on a sigh. She gave us all a menacing look that I immediately took to heart. There wasn't anything the woman took as serious as her bloody library. I remembered her hexing Lily once because Lily had been too infatuated with a book and kept reading it over and over again, thusly keeping it longer than she was allowed. Lily had started itching all over her body until she finally returned the book.

The woman was mad.

"You are to put the books in the room behind my desk, back in alphabetical order in their proper section. Don't think I won't find out if you decide to just drop them somewhere," she threatened, "because I will and you will not like the consequences."

McGonagall gave us a smile and if she had been fifteen years younger I wouldn't have doubted her saying 'ta!' as she turned on her heel and sashayed away from us. She looked way too happy about both our miserable expressions. The only thing McGonagall did however was grab Madam Pince's arm and tugging her away from us.

I guess she hadn't been as lenient about the pink room as I had first thought. I waited till they both had left, before I turned around and walked behind the librarian's desk. It was an area strictly prohibited and I thought it rather uncharacteristic of Madam Pince to let us behind it.

But then again, I doubted that she had suspected that McGonagall would really put us on book duty in her stead.

"Are you going to say something to me at all?" Sirius asked after we had worked in silence for about three hours. We were almost done with the four enormous piles of books we had found and I couldn't have been happier.

My whole body was tightly strung and I had started thinking two hours ago that I was going to explode if I didn't get away from him soon. "No."

"You just said something," Sirius pointed out.

I shook my head in exasperation. Yes, that was going to make me like you again, you smart ass.

"Nika," Sirius sighed and I couldn't help but wonder why he just kept on trying.

Surely I had been clear enough earlier today? Or just now? Why did he care so much that I talked to him anyway? What was it to him? What was I to him?

And there I went again.

I breathed deeply in and out, before opening my eyes again. I hadn't really realized that I had closed them in the first place, but whatever. I grabbed the last two books and walked into the library, vaguely aware of Sirius following my steps.

I put the books carefully away in their proper place and was ready to call it a day, even though McGonagall hadn't really left any instructions after we were done with organizing the library. I turned around and bumped into a chest.

"We need to talk," Sirius stated.

I held my breath and silently counted to ten. "No, we don't." I tried to move past him, but he just mirrored my movements, effectively trapping me between him and the bookcase at my back.

I crossed my arms in silent protest and raised an eyebrow.

"Why must you be so stubborn?" Sirius asked me angrily.

I couldn't help it, I replied. "Why must you be so bloody oblivious," I shouted, surprising even myself. I rarely ever shouted and I found that the act itself was quite liberating actually.

"What am I oblivious to then?" Sirius shouted back. "Feel free to enlighten me!" He threw his hands in the air in utter frustration.

"You are such an arse," I whispered silently, glaring at him. How could he not understand how all of this would affect me? He wasn't stupid, I knew, he was one of the brightest people I had ever met. So what was it then? Did he like acting like he didn't know a thing of how I felt about him?

Please. He must have seen that immediately when he saw me gazing at him as he stood beside me that very first day in the Great Hall. Like Lily said, I was quite obvious about my stupid, insane little crush. "Stop pretending, Sirius. I know you know."

Sirius was balling his fists as he glared at me. Frustration swirling in his eyes as he regarded me. Fake or not? I silently wondered. "Know what? Bloody hell woman, just say whatever it is that's bothering you!"

I didn't even think and only realized what I was doing when my lips were already smashed to his. I pulled back immediately and was pretty damn proud to realize that I was still capable of glaring at him as I did so.

Sirius looked as if I had just dealt him a death blow. "What was that?" he whispered, his face turning completely white as if someone had just walked over his grave.

"Come on, Sirius, you can't be that oblivious." Especially not after the way he had teased me again and again about it. I studied the confusion in his eyes and then horror seemed to dawn on his face.

He shook his head and even fell back a step, which made me freeze. He turned around, showing me his back as he tried to compose himself.

I stared at his back as my own horror slowly dawned. He hadn't known? He truly hadn't known? His reaction rang too true and heartfelt to be false.

"I'll talk to you after Christmas break," Sirius said, echoing my earlier words. They felt like a slap in the face, especially since he had uttered them so emotionlessly. Without another word, he started walking away from me and I couldn't tear my eyes away from his retreating back if I tried.

My earlier bravado was completely gone, the anger completely drained. I just stared as my heart broke more and more with every step that took him further away from me.

Merlin, I was so stupid sometimes.


	21. Let it go, let it go

_**A/N: My name, unfortunately, is not J.K. Rowling. Therefore I did not invent this marvelous place called Hogwarts, therefore I have no rights to this story except for the plot and my own characters. **_

_Bonjour mes petits,_

_C'est le samedi aujourd'hui, hooray! And that's about as far as I'm willing to write French online :'D Because although French is one of my country's main languages, I can't speak it worth a damn. I mean, I understand it when it's written down, but somehow my brain always dies a quick death whenever I try to speak it myself._

_French is hard._

_That being said, I would like to apologize for how much of a filler this chapter turned out to be. I wrote it last night, but didn't have the time to upload it before I left. (Which means you lucky bastards get two chapters today!) Anyway, I thought it was important to write it down though. We learn what's happening to the Coopers and, more importantly, Nika's thinking process when it comes to getting over a certain Marauder. (Not that there is ever getting over any of them -swoon-)_

_I hope you enjoy and I'll talk to you all tonight!_

_Love,_

_Kelly_

* * *

**Chapter 21**

_Let it go, let it go,_

_The cold never bothered me anyway._

_~ Let It Go - Demi Lovato_

It wasn't until late Thursday night that I managed to get to Dumbledore for our weekly therapy session. I was sitting uncomfortably in one of the big chairs in front of his desk as Dumbledore studied me carefully.

"May I ask what has brought this sudden change of mind?" he asked me not unkindly.

I just shrugged as I stared at his desk, now that the decision to talk to a real psychiatrist had been made I didn't much feel like talking to old Dumbles anymore. Better to talk to someone who was bound to secrecy, right?

Not that I thought Dumbledore would gossip to the teachers as soon as I left, but still. Sometimes the old man's eyes saw too much and knowledge was power. He had enough power over me as it was, being my headmaster and the keeper of my biggest secret of all.

If the Dark Lord ever found out that I was indeed alive and that Dumbledore had currently a banshee under his protection, I would be dead before you could say Quidditch.

"I imagine this has something to do with the young Mr Black?"

"Doesn't everything?" I muttered under my breath, not really answering him. I looked up to stare at one of the many portraits in Dumbledore's office. Some headmasters were smiling at me, others frowning. I made a face and turned back to Dumbledore, who was regarding me knowingly.

"I have talked to the Cooper family," he suddenly announced after he won our little staring contest.

Not that you ever could really hold a staring contest with Dumbledore. Like I said, his eyes saw too much and most of the time it felt like he could see right through you anyway. There was absolutely no need to invite him to stare some more, honestly.

I sat up a little straighter, when his words finally made sense to my messed up brain. "What did they say?"

"They are currently in hiding and are very grateful to you, Nika."

I gave him a sharp glance, but knew he wouldn't have told them anything about me, which meant that they were actually really grateful to Dumbledore. I nodded. "It was my pleasure," I said generously.

Dumbledore smiled indulgently at me with that odd twinkle in his eye. "I cannot state how much of importance your visions are, Nika. You're saving lives by doing this."

I nodded. I was aware of that, of course I was, and I imagined that I wouldn't have a clue what to do if I had been on my own with these visions. How do you go about telling someone they would be dead within the week? Besides Dumbledore had been an old friend of the family, had regularly visited our home even when I was little. I think my father had done quite the same thing for him as I did now.

Dumbledore was a powerful friend to have, because when somebody like him told you you were going to die. You ran like mad, because it wasn't a secret that he was the only one old Voldy had ever feared.

"Thank you for passing along the message," I said finally.

Dumbledore just nodded, probably not being able to imagine himself doing anything else with the information. He was a good guy, our Dumbledore.

"What about Anthony though?" I asked slowly. I recalled seeing him in class the other day so he hadn't gone for cover with his parents.

"A fine question," Dumbledore answered." Mr. Cooper will join his parents tomorrow night. I don't want to raise any suspicion by letting him leave early."

I silently agreed with his plan. It did sound a lot safer than making a big spectacle out of it and risking the odd chance that the Death Eaters got wind of it. What if Anthony led them to his parents' hideout? That just wouldn't do at all.

I just hoped that this wouldn't be the time that Voldemort understood why it was that his latest targets kept on disappearing. Not that I had been able to save that many lives in the past, sometimes there just was no fighting Fate, but I've had my hand in a fair share of his failed plans.

This was a dangerous game I was playing, but I couldn't stop no matter how much I wanted to. After all, how do you shut off a part of yourself, right? Or how would I be able to live with myself knowing that I didn't save those I knew I could have?

Dumbledore and I talked some more about random subjects. School, friends and Peeves, the bastard. I was well aware of Dumbledore's watchful gaze whenever I skirted around the subject of Sirius Black.

I didn't really feel like talking about him, let alone thinking about him. I had tried to apologize for the last few days, but he proved to be a master of evasion. Whenever I saw him walking with his friends, he always disappeared right before I reached their little group. Then the Marauders would act like they hadn't seen Sirius since their breakfast that morning.

As if that wasn't obvious, especially since they had used that same excuse on me three times in as many days. What did they think I was? Insane as well as abominably stupid? Please.

I left Dumbledore, feeling slightly better than I had going in. Soon I'd be under Greene's care again and although I didn't much feel like being another loon in his file cabinet, I did feel like I could use his clarity on some aspects of my life. I was also beyond thrilled that Dumbledore had managed to bring the family Cooper underground. The chance that they would be killed by Voldemort's army of the emotionally dead would be minimal.

I walked back to the common room and greeted the Fat Lady by a single word: the password. She uttered and sputtered at my rudeness, but opened nonetheless. I stopped in my tracks however when I saw Sirius sitting on the couch in front of the fire, playing Exploding Snap with Peter. I wanted to go to them and apologize, but Sirius's cold demeanor and poker face told me to steer clear.

Wasn't I the one angry at him anyway? For dumping that girl like he had?

Yes, I argued, but he had no idea it would affect me thusly. Especially since his shocked and pained expression kept going through my mind when I closed my eyes. He hadn't known that I was in love with him and he hadn't wanted me to be.

Then why tease me so? Why would he lead me on if he had no interest in me whatsoever? What kind of sick game was he playing?

And why was I so hurt that he was now ignoring me? I shook my head and moved away from the portrait hole, where I had still been standing like some complete twat. I silently sat down with Lily, who was sitting in one of the window seats.

That all shouldn't have mattered anyway. They way he had treated Sheila was unspeakably mean and it shouldn't have mattered if he'd acted any differently if he had known of my feelings. Somehow though it really did matter.

"You okay?" she asked me with a concerned smile, closing the book she had been reading with a snap.

I dared a glance at the cover. Charlotte Brontë. Must be a Muggle because I had never heard of her before. Maybe she'd let me borrow it when she was done, I mused. "I'm doing fine, Lils. What are you reading?"

"Jane Eyre," she replied promptly, before rushing into a not so brief explanation of the book. I loved that about her, that passion about all the things she loved. Lily could be fierce, I knew, but she could also be fearless. She'd completely throw herself in a situation without a second thought if she believed it to be the right thing to do.

Apparently Jane Eyre was about this governess who fell in love with this rich man who was apparently already married and had a child? The child wasn't his wife's though, but from one of his earlier flings and he wasn't even all that sure if it was even his.

Anyway Jane falls in love with this guy and is heart broken when she finds out about his marriage to a crazy person. I knew how the crazy wife person was feeling though, I would have gladly burned down the whole school in a rage too.

Don't think Dumbledore would have been too happy about that though, so maybe not.

"Sounds like a good book," I agreed.

"It's the best. It doesn't even come close to Pride and Prejudice though," Lily gushed.

I grinned at that. "Why? Are the main characters called Lily and James?"

"No," she said, blushing something fierce with a steely glint in her eyes. Ooh, touched a nerve there, I thought with a chuckle. "They would have been called Sirius and Nika, but then the author would have to change the title to Pride and Stupid and that doesn't have quite a nice ring to it, now does it? Also, she's dead so the title can't be changed."

I glared at her. "I'm not being stupid about this, he is."

"Then that makes you prideful," Lily swiftly replied.

I shook my head in frustration. Sometimes there was just no winning from Lily. It was a fool's errand to try anyway, although she had been feeling guilty about the whole ordeal. For some reason she thought that it had been her fault that our fight escalated, which was nonsense of course. Nobody made me kiss Sirius and lay my feelings right out in the open. That was all on me.

I found myself staring at him as my thoughts wandered. His back was stiff and he moved in little jerks. It was ridiculous how much I was whining about this, I realized.

Two months ago I had barely spoken to the lad before and now I was missing him like crazy. Irrational is what it was. I was used to not talking to Sirius on a daily basis, or well ever.

I just needed to get back into that state of mind and then all my problems would be solved.

"Hey Lily?" I asked, tearing my eyes away from Sirius's stiff form.

"Hey Nika?" she asked in the exact same tone, making me smile despite myself.

"How about we ban all thoughts of boys this Christmas break?"

Lily's smile was breathtaking as she squeezed my hand. "I would very much like that."

Yes, I would too.


	22. You cheap, lousy faggot

_**A/N: My name, unfortunately, is not J.K. Rowling. Therefore I did not invent this marvelous place called Hogwarts, therefore I have no rights to this story except for the plot and my own characters. **_

_Guten Tag, _

_(No I'm not going to start in German this time, rest assured.) _

_So I feel like I'm going to need a couple of more chapters to define and outline Lily's character more. This chapter is going to show her funny and carefree side, that I always imagined her to have at least a little. How else was she James's perfect match, right? Opposites attract, sure, but I feel like James needs someone with a sense of humour or he'd go absolutely barking mad! (See what I did there? Hehehe.) So this is a completely Lily devoted chapter and I'm sure that more are to follow!_

_As to Sirius, yes, he's being an arse and yes, he needs a proper spanking, but nothing in life goes exactly as planned, right? (Nor does this plot because it keeps on changing itself - insert a heavy sigh here-)_

_Anyway I hope you enjoy and thank you for your kind reviews!_

_Alles Liebe,_

_Kelly_

_(Also I love this song by The Pogues, I cannot NOT scream to it when it comes on. Aaah, The Pogues.)_

* * *

**Chapter 22**

_You cheap lousy faggot,_  
_Happy christmas your arse I pray God it´s our last._

_~ Fairytale of New York - The Pogues_

Lily and I had a blissful break. I hadn't expected to have fun after all that had happened, but somehow Lily was able to get my mind off a certain person.

Not that she could stop the nightmares coming back at full force though. I think the emotional stress of having Sirius Black leave my life, brought them on. After all crying yourself to sleep had a way of making you regret every bad thing you ever did in your life. It certainly wasn't the right mind state to avoid nightmares, let me tell you that. I had them every night now and they were worse than ever before. I'd wake up screaming and kicking as tears flow down my face.

I could tell that Lily was waiting for me to explain, but I didn't utter a word about it. She woke me up when I had them, held me when I cried and I felt bad for her. I really did. She looked as tired as I felt and that was all my fault. "Maybe I should ask to get a sleeping drought," I told Lily, staring at my feet as we walked back to the Great Hall.

It was the first Monday of school and Hogwarts was once more filled to the brim with students. Lily had her arm hooked in mine and walked with a cheerful smile on her face. Her smile didn't even dim when she answered. "If you don't like taking potions, then you shouldn't. I would, however, sleep better if you'd consider it." Lily waved her fingers at Trey Sullivan, when we passed him.

I couldn't stop the giggle that escaped me. "You little minx," I teased.

Lily didn't even blush, but winked. "Oh he brings out the worst in me." She made her free hand in a claw and dragged it across my shoulder blade, as she stared after the Hufflepuff lustfully.

I howled with laughter. "Make sure Potter never sees you doing that, Lils," I giggled.

She waggled her eyebrows. "Potter never will, rest assured."

I laughed. "When are you going to talk to him?" I asked as we sat down at the Gryffindor table.

Lily sat down on my right and pushed me a bit aside, so she could see Trey better. Damn, she had it bad. "He's so fine," she sighed dreamily.

"What happened to you not having any crushes?" I grinned.

"Ah hush, absence makes the heart grow fonder."

I laughed again and shook my head when I had calmed down enough to manage such a feat. "And here I thought I was the only insane one."

Lily huffed at that and gave me a mock glare. "You are!"

I stuck out my tongue and she made a scissors kind of motion. We laughed again, but the laughter quickly died in my throat when I saw the Marauders pass us by. Sirius was studiously not looking my way, but James's eyes were focused on Lily's form.

Lily stopped laughing too and stared at her empty plate. "Tell me when they're gone," she whispered.

I raised an eyebrow. "Am I not supposed to be the one allowed to hide?"

"You've never been one to hide, Nika," Lily said as she played with her knife.

I cringed at that. She had absolutely no idea. "They're gone," I finally said when they sat down a couple of seats away from us. "Anyway back to Trey, when are you going to ask him out?"

I didn't even bother lowering my voice. Let Sirius hear me having confidential conversations with a friend. Hopefully it hurt him as badly as him returning my Christmas letter unopened had. Bastard.

Lily, apparently getting the message, sighed loudly. "I don't know. Shouldn't I wait a little while longer?" Her answer was sincere, but she spoke loud enough to be heard by the boys. She was such a sport.

She was also very brave, I thought, for daring to be so open about her feelings. But then again, I hadn't really expected Lily to hide her intentions. I frowned. "I don't think so. Somebody's bound to pick him up if you don't," I pointed out.

"But the Hogsmeade trip is another month away," Lily sighed. "Where am I supposed to take him on a date?"

"You could always opt for the more mysterious approach," I suggested. "Just tell him that he has a date for Hogsmeade when you see him next."

Lily looked thoughtful.

"Trust me on this," I said, lowering my voice this time so the boys, who looked way too interested in the conversation, wouldn't hear. "If hanging out with those Marauders has taught me anything, it's that mysterious and straight forward always works." Except, of course, when you were me and kissed the bloke you liked. Then they literally ran away, but Lily wasn't me. She was gorgeous with her fiery red hair and her breathtaking green eyes. Who could say no to a girl like that?

"Nika, that's a wonderful idea! Of course I should just go to him and say that I want him in my bed."

"That's maybe a bit too straight forward," I pointed out, shock richening my voice.

Lily gave me a squeeze underneath the table and her eyes moved swiftly to James, who was glaring at his plate.

Ah. "On the other hand, who wouldn't want that stud in the sack?"

Lily nodded solemnly and even though I was biting my lip to keep me from bursting into laughter, she maintained a perfect poker face. "I'd be a fool not to try and I heard," she faux whispered with an exaggerating wink, "that he's going to rock my world like nobody's business."

I couldn't take it anymore. I howled with laughter as I leaned on Lily to keep me upright. "Oh Merlin," I laughed. I ignored the angry looks the Marauders were sending us and even Lily started laughing after a couple of seconds

"Maybe a bit much?" she whispered.

"Merlin, no," I grinned when I calmed down. "It was a whole lot of much, but it was awesome. You should have seen his face." I whispered the last part.

Lily nodded. "Good. Do you remember the letters I kept on receiving during the break?"

How could I have possibly forgotten? At least three times a day, an owl would come for Lily with a letter. She wouldn't say who they were from, but burned them all after reading them briefly. She never sent anything back. "They were from James?" I had guessed as much, but her stormy expression had made me afraid to ask.

She nodded and rolled her eyes in exasperation. "I don't know how to make it any clearer," she murmured. "I am just not interested!"

"Just ignore him?" I suggested.

"That doesn't work," Lily whined as she started putting food on her plate.

I grabbed an apple. I wasn't really up for a decent breakfast today. Despite the laughter, I still felt quite dead inside. I bit into my fruit, as I thought about Lily's dilemma. "Ask a restraining order?"

She gave me a look.

I shrugged. "Then I'm all out of ideas too. I'm the one who's usually being ignored, so I wouldn't know how to deal with that." I saw Sirius cringe out of the corner of my eye and smiled a little. Yeah, screw you, laddie.

Lily sighed and patted my hand. "You're doing great," she murmured.

"Thanks," I whispered back, biting another piece from my apple.

I just didn't get it though. All my note had said was a 'Merry Christmas' and he'd just sent it back to me without opening it. I shook my head as I bit into my apple a bit too aggressively to go unnoticed.

I looked up to see if Sirius had indeed noticed, when I saw an unknown blonde standing beside him. She was giggling loudly about something he had just said. I heard her utter something about having enjoyed her Christmas Eve immensely and I think I turned every shade of green there was.

I felt like I was going to vomit. I grabbed a glass and wished someone had spiked the pumpkin juice. I grabbed the jug of water instead and quickly filled a glass. I saw Lily eyeing me uncomfortably, her lips were twisted in a worried smile, but I just shook her head. Nothing she could say would make it better.

The lousy faggot.

"You should still go and talk to him," I told her with a genuine smile that even surprised me. Just don't look in that direction, Nika. You deserve better than that anyway.

"Will you go with me?" Lily asked. She sounded so anxious that I almost bought it.

I sighed. "Lily, you can do this."

"Nonetheless I would feel much better with you by my side. Please, come?" she said the last part a bit louder, so at least one of the Marauders would be sure to catch it.

I sighed again. "Fine. I wasn't hungry anyway," I muttered.

Lily gave me a hug. "You're the best," she squealed in what I like to call her best Sheila voice.

"No, thank you for giving me a legitimate excuse," I whispered in her ear, my eyes firmly focused on the bench behind her.

I wasn't going to look in his sodding direction if I could help it.

"You were looking so miserable, how could I not?" she muttered back, before releasing me.

I fell back in my role of a careless Gryffindor. "Well then, you little minx, let's go get your lad."

Before our first period we scored Lily a date for February, my idea had worked perfectly by the way, and I avoided the Marauders successfully. It was time to put thoughts into action, I thought sadly. I was going back to the old Nika, but with only one exception.

This Nike 2.0 version wasn't going to be alone. I gave Lily's hand another squeeze and laughed at how giddy she seemed about her date already. At least something was going right for once.


	23. I need a light to take me home

_**A/N: My name, unfortunately, is not J.K. Rowling. Therefore I did not invent this marvelous place called Hogwarts, therefore I have no rights to this story except for the plot and my own characters. **_

_Hi,_

_This is by far the longest chapter I've ever written for this story so far. It has almost 3,500 words in Word and it's quite a deep chapter, I think. _

_Someone pointed out to me that Lily was becoming a character very hard to like and I'm sorry that you feel that way. I would have replied privately, but you weren't logged in, so yeah. You also mentioned that this story had a lot of clichés and again I'm sorry. There are some clichés though that are worth having and I'm not going to get rid of all of them. (I don't even think there are that many of them to be honest, so if there are any that really bother you, you can always point them out to me.) I can't really fix anything if you just say that reading it is becoming "laborious" and don't give any examples for me to work on. So thank you for giving me your honest opinion (I've been thinking about it all day), but right now there isn't a lot I can do about the things you said. _

_Furthermore a friend of mine asked me why the character development was going so slowly (she hasn't yet read the last three or so chapters, but well...) and I thought it handy to put it up here as well. Nika isn't someone that opens up easily, as we all know right now, so she isn't one to hang around others constantly. So small changes aren't noticeable yet and I haven't really written any characters in depth yet, because again we're reading this through Nika's P.O.V. and it would be incredibly uncharacteristic for her to demand somebody's deepest secrets and hang around them all the time. We're getting there, no panic, but Nika just isn't ready for that kind of thing. Yet. She's almost there, so if this is something that's been boterhing you, please hang in there. It will get better, I promise._

_That being said, I hope you're not afraid to give your honest opinion. If you feel like there are any changes I could make or suggestions you have about, well, anything, feel free to make them!_

_I hope you enjoy!_

_Love,_

_Kelly_

* * *

**Chapter 23**

_I need a voice to echo,_  
_I need a light to take me home,_  
_I kinda need a hero._

_~Nightingale - Demi Lovato_

I wasn't supposed to think about how absolutely gorgeous Sirius had styled his hair that morning. If he had even styled it at all. He was rocking the bed hair look and he was making me have naughty thoughts I had no business having. Imagine having that lad spread out-

Alright. Rewind. You're supposed to dislike this guy, Nika, I told myself sternly. Having fantasies isn't going to help you accomplish that.

But I kind of liked the fantasies and then again, wasn't I supposed to return back to the way I was before? I used to have all sorts of fantasies about the lad before I actually got to know him. And even then... Maybe I should just let myself have this little thing, since I couldn't have the real him?

Hm. Something to think about.

I doodled on my parchment as McGonagall droned on and on about some spell or other. Lily nudged my side and gave me a stern look.

Right, needed to pay attention to the actual lesson. I looked up from my parchment and my eyes immediately fell on Sirius. Lily and I had arrived late for class for the first time in three or four months. It honestly was a rarity and it had gotten us only a slight frown from McGonagall as we took our seats in the back.

For some reason McGonagall had a strict no sitting in the back rule, which had probably something to do with the Marauders. They were usually up to no good in the back row of the classroom so it wasn't like I could blame McGonagall for prioritizing the first rows, where she could keep a proper eye on the troublemakers.

However Lily wasn't happy about having to sit in the back, which I completely ignored. She always found it hard to understand what the professor said all the way in the back, since she had to ignore all the whispers to hear the professor's voice or something. Bullocks, if you asked me, but Lily took her studies quite seriously.

Anyway that was the reason why my eyes were glued to the back of Sirius's head, something that had been an impossible feat in all the other classes we've had so far this week. It was Wednesday afternoon and I was quite ready for the weekend to happen.

I nibbled worriedly on the side of my thumb as I kept the lad in my sights. This was ridiculous. Why couldn't I just keep my resolve and put my foot down? Why couldn't I just shut my feelings off and be an ice queen extraordinaire?

Would there be any Slytherins willing to give me lessons? I shook my head. No, now that'd be really foolish. They'd hex me into the next century if I even came too close because of my gold and red uniform.

Not that I could really blame them. We would probably do the same if we saw one of them approach.

Correction, I thought quickly, the Marauders would probably do the same. The rest of us would turn the other cheek and gossip something nasty as they passed.

"Have you spoken to Trey again?" I whispered, to get my mind off the oldest Black.

Lily slowly turned her head toward me and frowned. "No. Why?"

Because I hoped your love life would be a great distraction. "Just because."

Lily gave me another weird look, before getting back to taking notes.

I sighed. I had grown to care for the girl, but she was no fun in class. None at all.

"Maybe you should take your own advice," Lily murmured as she kept on taking notes with her eyes on her parchment.

I frowned at that. "What do you mean?"

"Well boys like mysterious girls, right? Maybe you should stop pining after him in the open and only do it behind closed doors," she whispered.

"I'm not pining after him," I muttered darkly.

I saw the corners of her mouth curl. "Honey, you're trying so hard to find fault with him that it's becoming obvious to everyone except yourself. You can't change your feelings overnight."

"Alright, Dr. Evans, take it easy," I murmured.

Was that what I was doing though? Was I in serious denial about my feelings for him? I mean, I knew they ran quite deep and I wanted to hate the guy desperately, but despite my harsh words and the angry looks I kept throwing at him when he glanced my way, I hadn't been quite successful.

Lily slowly laid down her quill to give me a concerned look. She was doing that way too often lately, I thought. Was I really that obvious about my misery?

Probably.

Most likely.

Pathetic, pathetic.

"I'm just saying," Lily started softly, "if he won't come to you, then you'll have to go after him. Fight for him and all that."

I raised an eyebrow. What? "I thought you didn't like the lad?"

Lily sighed and shrugged. "I don't, but if he's what makes you happy then you should go for it and damn the consequences."

"This isn't one of your romance novels, Lils," I pointed out, if a bit sadly. "Besides it takes two to tango, you know."

"Open your eyes, Nika," Lily said, patting my arm softly. "He's miserable." She nodded to Sirius and I studied his posture.

Yes, he sat a bit slumped and he hadn't laughed once during this class, but he had seemed cheerful enough at breakfast that morning. "I don't know," I said hesitantly.

"You asked me to trust you, so why don't you trust me on this?"

What if Lily was right though? What if Sirius was as miserable as I was? But that would mean that I actually meant something as a friend to him and the way he had treated me so far, suggested the opposite.

Then again I hadn't been Miss Friendly towards him myself, now had I?

The point was moot. I wasn't as confident in my ability to woo as Lily and Sirius were. The best I was probably going to do was knock him out cold, when I tried to seductively kiss him and head banged him by accident instead.

Or I'd just make him run like Dementors were chasing him again. Either one was a likely scenario.

I was about to reply, when someone knocked on the classroom door. I almost praised Morgana and all her little minions when I saw who it was.

"Good afternoon, professor. Please pardon my intrusion," Dr. Greene said smoothly.

He had blond, spiked hair and was a little round in the belly area. He had kind brown eyes and overall he reminded me of a walking and talking teddy bear. I was deliriously happy to see him, which only told me how deep I had fallen.

I liked the bloke, sure, but I didn't like the intrusive questions or how drained his sessions always made me feel. He helped me loads, but talking with him was emotionally exhausting. I had yet to find something he hadn't been right about though and I trusted the man with my life, which was why I had asked Dumbledore to call on him again.

"Yes?" McGonagall simply asked with a raised eyebrow. She had one hand on her hip, while the other held her textbook.

Dr. Greene gave me a kind smile when he located me. "Would you mind if I stole Miss Schmidt for a little while?"

McGonagall gave him a look and looked about to protest when something seemed to click in her brain. Apparently Dumbledore had told her something about my situation after all, I thought as I saw realization dawn. Of course Dumbledore had to have told her something about me. She was head of Gryffindor after all and surely she had known about my situation and why I spent every Thursday night holed in Dumbledore's office. "Of course, Mr.?"

"Greene. Doctor Gideon Greene at your service, madam."

I cringed when he told the whole class that he was a doctor. Had the man no brains? I saw Lily looking sharply at me and I made a face at her. She cocked her head to the side in silent question, but I shook my head.

I quietly gathered my things and dumped them in my book bag. I saw Sirius eyeing me worriedly, which both surprised and delighted me, but besides glancing at him, I didn't do a damn thing. I followed Greene out of the classroom and smacked his arm after the door had fallen closed behind us. "Did you have to tell them you were a doctor?"

"I am a doctor," he pointed out, way too sassy for a middle aged wizard.

"You're a psychiatrist."

"Yes," Greene agreed, "and that's just a different type of doctor."

"You couldn't have said Healer or something?"

"Then they would have thought you had some contagious disease for me to visit you at school."

I frowned. "Still would have preferred Healer," I muttered.

He gave me a hug and smiled down at me. He was freakishly tall too. "I'm glad to see that you're doing well, Nika."

I couldn't help but return the hug and smile back. "You don't look too shabby yourself." He actually oozed health and he had a healthy blush on his face that I immediately zeroed in on. "How is Katya?"

"My private life is none of your business, dear. I'm here to talk about yours." He had told me this a gazillion times and yet somehow I always managed to learn some detail about his life I hadn't known before.

Like the fact that four years ago he had met the love of his life, Katya. He refused to tell me her last name, but that was okay. It was a sore subject after all, especially since our Katya was a married woman. It had to be eating him up alive inside, but the last I heard he was perfectly happy with just being friends.

Maybe he too should get some counseling. I opened my mouth to pry some more, but he gave me a stern look.

"Drop it, Nicole," he snarled.

I froze at my birth name and immediately dropped the subject, knowing I was about to cross a boundary we both didn't want me to cross. I would hate for him to leave me behind with no answers whatsoever. "Nobody's called me that in ages," I said quietly.

His eyes were kind when they regarded me. "I'm sorry."

"It's okay," I shrugged. "I like it." My parents had rarely called me Nicole either, they had nicknamed me Nika, which is why I had chosen that name when Dumbledore gave me the choice five years ago. We remained silent when he guided me to a classroom in the dungeons. It was empty - like literally empty. There were no tables or chairs inside, except for the big desk at the front of the room. There were three comfortable looking fauteuils that surrounded the desk and I couldn't wait to plant my ass down in one. The classroom looked empty and as far from cosy as it could possibly get, but I liked it.

It had a no-nonsense look that I respected.

"I'm sorry that I haven't had the time to redecorate the place properly," Greene apologized, flicking his wand so the air warmed a little.

"Don't bother on my account," I shrugged. He wasn't going to spend much time here anyway, so why bother?

He gave me an intense look and I figured his Dr. Greene mode was on. "Very well then, Nika. Why don't you take a seat?"

He walked behind his desk and plopped down.

I took one of the chairs and sat down as well. I waited till he'd start asking questions, knowing it was never a good idea to just start blurting things out. They came back to haunt you in sessions like these.

"Why did you want to see me again? If memory serves, you were quite adamant of being released from our weekly talks."

I shrugged. "I felt like I needed our weekly talks again. The nightmares have returned and they... They feel worse than they did before."

Greene grabbed one of his leather bound books and opened it as he started writing stuff down. I didn't even try to read it, knowing that he had hexed his book to spell nonsense if anybody else but Greene himself tried to read it. He was smart and paranoid, another thing I admired about him.

"Why do you think that is?"

I sighed. That's why I needed him, was it not? "There have been developments?" I guessed.

His eyebrows almost touched his hairline as he studied me. "What kind of developments?"

Gah. "I befriended Sirius Black a couple of weeks ago." I studied my hands in my lap and bit my lip, waiting for the verdict.

"Did you, now?" was all he said though.

"You're not going to berate me?" I asked rather stupidly. Even Dumbledore had told me that befriending Sirius had been a bad idea.

Greene seemed to think about his words, before he spoke. "You've always been quite passionate about the boy, if I remember correctly, Nika. The fact that you approached him is a huge step forward for you."

He kind of approached me, but those were mere details. "What do you mean?"

"It means that you let go of this unreachable fantasy you had of him. He became more human to you when you befriended him, did he not? He probably did some things that annoyed you too, something you probably wouldn't have thought possible before."

I thought of Sheila and looked away from the psychiatrist. I didn't think that I viewed Sirius as this perfect fantasy of a man. He obviously had his faults and I wasn't going to put him on a pedestal or anything. Had I put him on one?

"Let's approach this in a different way. Can you tell me what kind of a guy Sirius Black is?"

I shrugged and decided to just be honest. "He's complicated. He's funny and witty. He knows what he wants and does everything he can to get it. He's loyal and he fights for the things he believes in," I said, thinking about the fight he had with his friends. "He really listens when you talk to him."

"Did you discuss anything of importance with him then?" Greene's voice was neutral, but his eyes were searching my face for something. What, I had no idea.

"No."

"Did you even think about telling him about your parents?"

I frowned. "No."

"Why not?"

I looked away again and sighed. Greene let me be for a little while, to gather my thoughts. I heard his quill moving over paper and I closed my eyes. "I don't like talking about them."

"Do you think he won't understand?"

I remained silent. No, I believed he would understand. I opened my eyes and stared at my hands again. They were clasped and rested in my lap.

"Do you think he'll view you differently if you tell him?"

My eyes snapped to his and he nodded, writing something down in his book. I shook my head. "Of course he'll see me differently. How could he not?"

"Would you mind that?"

Obviously. "I don't need anyone's pity," I muttered darkly, glaring at Greene.

He didn't let it get to him though. "How do you know that that would be his reaction? I, myself, think it's quite admirable that you grew so strong after all that has happened."

I wasn't strong. I laughed sarcastically. "I'm not strong," I finally said.

"I think you are, Nika. You've lost your parents when you were rather young."

"There are so many orphans," I replied swiftly.

"Yes, but there aren't that many who saw their father tortured and then killed before their eyes, now are there?"

I didn't even flinch, something of which I was pretty damn proud.

Greene nodded again and wrote something down. "Does Sirius know you have nightmares?"

"No, but Lily does."

Greene frowned at that. "Who is Lily again?"

"Lily Evans," I answered, "she's the redhead I was sitting next to when you fetched me."

"Ah," Greene nodded. "The one being stalked by that lad, yes."

I smiled at that. It would infuriate Lily to know that that was her trademark.

"Have you told Lily what your nightmares are about?"

I shook my head. "I think she suspects though. She always gives me these pitying glances when she thinks I'm not looking."

Greene sighed at that. "I doubt she's pitying you, Nika."

I refused to believe that. "Who wouldn't pity such a sob story?" I grumbled.

"Well, I for one. If I had to pity every sob story that I came across, I might as well change my name to Dr. Misery." I smiled at that. "No, Nika. I don't think you have a sob story or that you are deserving of any pitiful glances," he continued briskly. "I admire that you came out on top and I'm sure that your friends will feel the same way if you told them what happened when you were eleven."

My parents had died months before I went to Hogwarts for my first year and it was still one of the most horrible years of my life. Awkward, lonely and weird would have described me perfectly. They still do, really. "I don't want to talk about that."

Greene nodded. "What do you want to talk about then?"

I bit my lip and shrugged. "I had a fight with Sirius."

Greene laid his book down and leaned back in his chair. "What about?"

"His methods of dumping his girlfriends, who aren't really his girlfriends because he doesn't date." I said the last part a bit sarcastically.

Greene gave me a knowing smile that I completely ignored. "He was cruel to that girl?" he guessed.

I nodded silently.

"Does he know you fancy him?"

I told him everything that had happened, but his face never changed when I told him of my stupidity.

"Thank you for telling me that," he said when I was finally done. "I think you were very brave for standing up for yourself and showing him how you feel about him." I frowned. "However, I do believe you could have handled things more... smoothly. What made you so sure that he knew you had feelings for him?"

I shrugged and tried to remember all the telltales. "He would tease me about it and then afterward smirk arrogantly, as if he had already won me over."

"Which he had," Greene pointed out.

I crossed my arms. "Obviously," I grumbled.

Greene laughed at that. "I would like to speak to Sirius someday."

I felt myself whiten. "I'd rather you not," I said quickly.

Greene cocked his head to the side and started writing in his book again.

I sighed and stared blindly ahead.

"Nika?" he finally asked softly, after a couple of minutes of silence.

I looked at him and waited.

"You do realize that, although I am happy to assist you in any way I can, that I can't chase all the bad in your life away, right?" It wasn't a very likely thing for a psychiatrist to say, so I figured I had my friend Gideon Greene back.

"I don't think you can do that at all," I told him slowly, studying his posture as I did so. "I know that it is me who has to do the changes, me who has to open up to move on with my life."

Greene nodded. "Very well then. I'm going to give you an assignment." I inwardly groaned. Greene's assignments were a legendary pain in the ass of his patients. They were never fun and they always pushed you to your limit. "I want you to tell either Lily or Sirius about your parents by Thursday evening next week."

"Greene," I started, panic making me sit up straighter.

He held up a hand. "No, you're not going to sway me from this. I want you to open up to someone, who you choose is up to you."

I shook my head desperately. "Please, can't I have another assignment?" Not completing one wasn't that big of a deal, but it did make the next session an emotional hell to get through. Sometimes Greene could be as merciless as McGonagall when correcting her essays.

"No. We'll talk again next week," he said, dismissing me without looking up again.

It was so typically Greene that I wanted to smile, but the dread pooling in my stomach when I thought of my new 'assignment' stopped me.

I so wasn't ready for this.


	24. The proud lord said

_**A/N: My name, unfortunately, is not J.K. Rowling. Therefore I did not invent this marvelous place called Hogwarts, therefore I have no rights to this story except for the plot and my own characters. **_

_Hi,_

_This is going to be a really short Author's Note. I'm sorry for not uploading yesterday, but a massive headache has been bugging me the last two days. We all know how hard it is to write or read when your skull feels like it's about to explode... I want to finish NaNo on time though, so here I am. Biting through the hard times and all that jazz. _

_I'm sorry for all the drama this story suddenly has. It's all piling up, I know. Maybe I should start writing some sort of Greek tragedy instead of simple fanfics, but since I'm not skilled enough for such a feat, you're stuck with me. I had no idea how this chapter was going to turn out. I was mentally debating who it'd should be to address Nika on this matter, but it could have been none other than James. It just couldn't have been. So I'm sorry._

_Please don't hate him. He's a good guy. We'll love him in the chapters to come, I promise. _

_Love,_

_Kelly_

_P.S.: Please also don't hate Nika either, she's making it very hard. I know. But everyone has his/her flaws, right?_

_P.S.S: I also used the Rains of Castamere again because I'm a sucker for consistency. And quite possibly, also because I couldn't find anything else. Sssh._

* * *

**Chapter 24**

_And who are you, the proud lord said,_

_That I must bow so low?_

_~ Rains of Castamere - Game Of Thrones OST_

I had claimed the seat in front of the fireplace, when all the others were still in McGonagall's class. I had been thinking about what Greene had said and I felt like shite. I understood his reasoning and I knew that I had to tell somebody something some day, but I hadn't thought that day would be so soon.

I mean, what if Lily just turned her back on me? What if, and this was even worse, she started pitying me and overanalyzing everything I did?

I knew I was pretty messed up, I didn't need anyone pointing it out.

Would it be okay if I told somebody else? Anybody else? Somebody that didn't really mean all that much to me? I thought about that and sighed. That would definitely be the easier option. You tell someone something like that and just let it die.

Then again, it wasn't all that smart, now was it? What if that person went to tattle on me? What if soon afterward the whole school knew?

No. It had to be someone who knew how to keep a secret. I thought about Lily again and sighed once more. How was I ever going to tell her about any of this without either breaking down or running away from her afterward? Merlin knew I wasn't all that great with confronting my feelings or other people's.

I closed my eyes and pinched my nose in frustration. This was getting me absolutely nowhere.

I was about to leave when the portrait hole opened and my fellow sixth years poured in. I scanned the crowd for Lily, but couldn't find her anywhere. I frowned at that, but quickly tried to let the couch swallow me whole when I saw who was coming my way.

James sat down next to me, with a face stuck on a ferocious scowl.

Alright, then, I thought, raising an eyebrow at James in question. "May I help you?" I asked him politely, wondering what got his knickers in a twist.

"We need to talk," he pointed out, hissing through his teeth.

Charming, I thought distastefully. "Can you tone it down a bit, James?" I asked him, thinking that I wasn't going to say one word to him if he kept on hissing at me like an animal.

"No, I don't think I can. We have a problem, you and I," he told me, gesturing between us as if the 'we' and his further clarification hadn't been clear enough yet.

What had I done to deserve this kind of treatment from him? I glared at him. "Tone it down, or you can have a conversation with yourself," I threatened, wishing I truly was mad Mrs Rochester. I definitely felt something for burning down this tosser's bed post right now.

James just scowled, but spoke in a more normal tone when he started again. "We need to talk," he repeated.

"Fine," I sighed. "What did I do?"

His eyes narrowed a smidgen, which I ignored and his fists balled, which I didn't ignore. I raised an eyebrow at him, not figuring him for the aggressive type towards women, so whatever it was I did, it must have been something really bad to make him think about strangling me.

"What did you say to Padfoot?"

I froze and stared at him completely perplexed. "What?"

James obviously counted to ten in his head and closed his eyes as he did so. He snapped them open and glared so angrily that I wondered if maybe he was setting me on fire. I felt my cheeks redden in anger of my own. "I asked what you said to Sirius."

"That is none of your business!" I exclaimed furiously.

First Greene telling me to woman up and tell someone about my past and now James being all ridiculous over something he had absolutely no right meddling in?

"It most certainly is. He's been _off_ for the past three weeks!"

"Not my problem," I snarled.

"You are so selfish," he snarled right back. "I thought he was your friend."

"He wasn't my friend as long as he was yours when you ditched him, James Potter. So don't give me that crap," I hissed angrily. How dare he?!

I saw James's eyes flare up in fury, which should have cautioned me. It normally would have cautioned me, but I just didn't give a damn. Let him hex me, let him yell at me, see if I care! "Is that what you did?" he growled. "Did you ditch him?"

"Of course not," I snapped, before I realized what I was doing. "He was the one running away!"

"So you must have done something to make him run," James accused. "What did you do?"

"I did nothing!" I yelled.

"You must have," James yelled right back, his face turning a very unattractive red that probably rivaled mine.

"You need to calm down," I shrieked.

"Calm down yourself!"

"Oh, very mature, Potter," I snorted, lowering my voice as soon as I realized that I had been shouting like that. "If you want to know what happened then why don't you ask him?"

"Because he doesn't discuss you and I want to know why!"

I rolled my eyes. "Don't you think that's a bit obsessive? Unhealthy even?"

"Don't you even dare say that to me," James growled, shaking his finger at me.

"Or what? The truth hurts, James," I snapped, standing up from the couch. I just couldn't sit still anymore.

"Please. You want some truth? Let's have it then," James said, a menacing grin taking over his face. He stood up with me and took a step forward, so we were nearly standing nose to nose. "What did you do? Tell him you loved him? Kissed him?" he whispered, his grin widening when my blush increased. I narrowed my eyes to tiny slits. "Of course he ran, woman. You're absolutely psychotic!"

That hit too close to home. "You are absolutely rotten," I shrieked, pushing him away from me.

James started laughing, although he kept on whispering to me. Bastard. "Even your family must think so, yes? You don't ever receive any owls."

It was over before I even realized I had done it. A red mark decorated his left cheek and an outraged roar filled the common room.

"You hit me?!"

"Don't you ever dare talk about my family again, James Potter," I said quietly, seeing red. "You know nothing."

I turned on my heel, ignored the slack jawed people around the common room, including a very shocked Sirius, and ran to my dorm. I smacked the door closed and kicked against my bed until I hurt my little toe. "Fuck," I shrieked, jumping around on one leg until I fell down flat on my ass. If I had been able to cry, I probably would have been wailing by now.

But I just didn't have it in me. A tornado of emotions was swirling inside me, daring me to crash something. To ruin something.

I closed my eyes and sang one of my favourite band's songs in my head to calm me down. The red haze had just seemingly passed, when my dorm mates tumbled inside.

"What the hell," Miranda asked as soon as she entered. Her black hair was perfectly styled and I had a sudden urge to just cut it.

"Miranda," Emily cautioned, although she too gave me an angry look.

"Who do you think you are to just go around smacking people?"

"It was a slap," I pointed out, my voice sounding dead even to my own ears.

"How dare you?"

Okay. I've just had enough. "No, Miranda, how dare you?" I asked. "Shouldn't you be picking my side over his?" Sisters before misters and all that jazz?

"Why?" she sneered. "We didn't hear a thing he said to you back there and then you suddenly started shrieking like a banshee."

Oh, she did not want to go there. "You don't want to hear me shriek, Miranda," I said dangerously, my eye twitching annoyingly.

Miranda just gave me a filthy look. "Don't ever talk to me again."

"That won't be a problem at all," I snapped.

Emily seemed torn for a second and decided to go for option number three. Instead of picking any side, she chose her own and went to sit on her bed.

Miranda gave her a filthy look too and left the room with the loud bang of the door echoing through the tower.

"Well then," I muttered.

Emily cleared her throat. "Why did you slap him though? You said something about your family?"

"Not now, Emily," I said, looking at Lily's empty bed. Where was that girl? I asked Emily.

"I don't know. Haven't seen her since breakfast."

I grunted.

"Why-"

"Not now."

I had no idea what came over me or what it was that exactly made me so angry and even although I knew that this wasn't me, I just couldn't stop. I had barely had any tantrums as a child. I mean, sure, I probably had _some_, but I had never been so aggressive, so violent. I had never struck another person in my life and I was deeply ashamed that I had now done so. I wanted to go and apologize to him.

What had gotten into me back there?!

I went to sit on my bed instead, figuring that none of us where in the right state of mind for round two, and hugged my legs close. Where was Lily?


	25. A story that I have never told

_**A/N: My name, unfortunately, is not J.K. Rowling. Therefore I did not invent this marvelous place called Hogwarts, therefore I have no rights to this story except for the plot and my own characters.**_

_GOOD DAY MY DEARS,_

_GUESS WHAT? GUEEEESSS WHAAAT? I made the 50,000! I won this year and I am beyond thrilled. Thank you all so much for your support and thank you loads for keeping me motivated. You guys are AMAZING and as a reward I've written you a chapter of SEVEN pages! BAM!_

_Somebody pointed out yesterday that a banshee is actually a real creature in the Harry Potter world. I had never really thought about researching any of it, especially since I was originally going to do this story as a crossover with Lydia from Teen Wolf. (If you haven't seen this show, I'd definitely recommend it!) But eerh, well, luckily it doesn't really change anything about my plot, but I did add a little something to this chapter because of it. Better to clear everything while we're at it, no?_

_Well, not everything, because then I wouldn't have anything left to keep you interested. But you get what I'm getting at, right?_

_Yeah._

_Well._

_So I kind of fried my brain writing this chapter, so I can't really be held accountable for any of the typos I made in either this Author's Note or my chapter. I'm sorry. I can't be arsed. I just want to go to beeeeed -whines-_

_Anyway. I hope you enjoy this chapter, although I'm not sure if it is what you expected and/or wanted. _

_Love,_

_Kelly_

* * *

**Chapter 25**

_This is a story that I have never told,_

_I gotta get this off my chest to let it go._

_~ Warrior - Demi Lovato_

When Lily entered it was late at night. Her eyes looked red and puffy, her cheeks were red. She had obviously been crying and was in a bad place herself. I just couldn't talk to her right now about my own issues. I frowned worriedly as I went over to her and gave her a hug. Miranda and Emily were playing a game of wizarding chess and ignored us completely.

Just as well, I thought as I gazed at my friend. "What happened?" I asked in hushed tones. If Lily was miserable I didn't want anyone to notice who didn't need to notice her being miserable, if you got what I meant.

Lily shrugged and sat down in a chair in the far corner of our dorm. "I just don't... For a smart girl I'm really stupid sometimes," she whispered finally, tears filling her eyes again.

I patted her shoulder a bit awkwardly, hoping that she wouldn't cry too long. I wanted to make her feel better, but I had no idea how to fix whatever it was that was hurting her so badly. "You're not stupid, Lily Evans," I told her sternly instead. "You're the brightest witch this school has had in ages and you're going places. I can tell."

She gave me a forced smile.

Merlin, I sucked at this. "If you don't want to talk about it, I'll let you be," I told her softly. "But if you do need a listening ear or a shoulder to cry on, both my shoulders and my ears are yours."

Lily managed a more genuine looking smile this time. "Thank you." She was silent for a little while and I was preparing to just let her be until she was ready to talk, when she started. "I went to see Sev- Snape." She corrected herself midsentence, as if pronouncing his first name was too much for her right then.

I blinked. Not really what I imagined had happened. "I wondered where you had gone after Transfiguration," I said quietly as I kneeled down in front of her, giving her knees a gentle squeeze.

Lily sniffled and shrugged. She put her hands over mine and looked away. "I told him that I wanted to talk things through. I had been thinking about what you said, about doing what I thought was right. I miss him so bad, Nika, and it hurts so much, but whoever that boy is..." She stopped, taking a deep breath and shaking her head before she continued. "I don't know who that boy is," she repeated, "but he isn't my Severus. He was plain cruel to me, just because his Slytherin friends were standing near. And I could see it," she said, getting worked up more and more over it, "that what he was saying was hurting him as much as it was me, but he just kept on going. What is up with that? Does he really think that cruel behaviour will make him more liked? That that will give him more friends?"

"He is in Slytherin," I pointed out, earning a fierce glare from Lily.

"Not all Slytherins are evil, Nika. Just as not all Hufflepuffs are wimps and not all Gryffindors are arrogant to a fault!"

I held up my hands in the air to show her that I was unarmed. "I don't have any love for the Slytherins, Lily, but I do see your point. I'm sorry."

Lily's glare slowly softened, but she kept her lips pursed. "It's thoughts like those that keep the House rivalry going, you know. That needs to stop, especially now that there's a war out there," she said passionately. "Are we going to hate every person we see because he was in another House? That's madness!"

Note to self: Lily feels like starting a revolution when upset. "Life after Hogwarts is still far away, Lily," I said, trying to pacify her but only rising her anger more.

"A year and a half. It's a year and a half away and keeping your head in the sand isn't going to save you from Voldemort and his minions."

I saw her point, I really did, but Voldemort as a threat had somehow lost its urgency. I had felt threatened by the wizard all my life and your fate was often out of your own hands anyway. You had to go with the flow and hope that you're well prepared for whatever life tossed your way. It seemed that only now Lily was realizing all of this and I couldn't help but feel sorry for her. For me. For anyone who was about to experience this powerlessness. "Life isn't something you can control," I said softly. "People often react differently than from what we expected, but, Lily, Slytherins are often ambitious and I'm sure that your Snape is too. Why else would he ruin a friendship with someone as awesome as you?

"He probably hopes that by breaking off your friendship, he'll gain more authority and respect in his own House. Power is everything to those guys and while I know not all Slytherins are that way, most are. Snape is one of those lads that see power and want to take it, whichever way they can. I'm sorry, Lily, I really am, but this is life. I doubt that he'll be the first friend that the war will take away from you, but you'll get through this. You're Lily Evans, you make James Potter cower, professors are awed by your brain and you are my friend," I told her confidently, although I was a hundred percent sure that I was messing this up and that this speech sucked cotton balls. "You're okay," I told her when she started crying again.

She nodded though. "Thanks," she murmured.

I nodded back at her and leaned in for another hug. "You're okay," I said again.

Lily pulled back all of a sudden and gave me a curious look through her tears. "I heard you did some fighting of your own today. With Potter of all people," she said suddenly.

My, my, I guess good news really did travel fast, I thought sarcastically. "How on Earth did you hear that?" I muttered.

"This is Hogwarts, Nika. Gossips spreads faster than herpes does in a whorehouse."

"Charming." I frowned.

She gave me a smile. "So tell me about this fight you had."

I told her, hoping that this would take her mind off her own troubles.

* * *

I was pacing the common room back and forth the next morning. Fellow Gryffindors were getting ready for breakfast and passed by me with only a couple of glares and shoves. Good to know that nobody is allowed to touch their Golden Boy, I thought sarcastically.

Honestly, this was getting tiresome. I glared at a third year - or was it a fourth year? - that pushed her way past me. I was about to call it quits, when I saw my target walking down the stairs.

The four boys halted in their steps when they saw me. No stress, I told myself sternly as I squared my shoulders and purposefully walked towards them.

I didn't even grant Sirius, or any of the other boys, really, a look as I stared at James only. "May I please have a word?" I asked him politely, wringing my hands nervously. So much for having no stress, ha!

James raised an eyebrow and looked at Sirius, who was still staring at me. Not that I noticed or anything. Nor had I noticed how gorgeous he looked that morning. Nor had I noticed that his tie was hanging loosely around his neck. Didn't notice a thing about the lad, really. "Go on," James told his friends. "I'll catch up soon enough, I'm sure."

Doubted it, I thought with a heavy sigh of relief.

The boys slowly walked away and I couldn't help but watch them go. The lad that I hadn't noticed at all didn't look back once. Well then. I looked around and saw that some of my peers had slowed their pace, undoubtedly hoping to witness another fight. Too bad for them.

"Is there somewhere quiet we can talk?" I asked him, looking at his shoulders.

It was time to apologize to the lad, I thought. Even Lily had agreed that I had taken things a bit far by going physical. Although, she had said, he had kind of deserved the slap I gave him. But since I rarely enjoyed being slapped myself, I figured that he wouldn't have either. An apology was in order and I was going to deliver it to the best of my ability.

Without a word, James turned on his heel and ascended the stairs again. I followed him silently to his dorm and stood there awkwardly.

"So talk," James said rather briskly, making me wonder for a second if this was even worth it.

I took a deep breath and looked him in the eyes. "I'm sorry that I took our fight to a whole other level. I shouldn't have hit you and I'm terribly sorry."

James's eyes flashed with surprise. "Oh."

I smiled sadly. "I shouldn't have said those things about your friendship with Sirius. It wasn't my place and I should have just calmly told you that I didn't like your attitude or your words."

"I doubt that would have helped," James pointed out, smiling faintly. "I apologize for dragging your family into the debate. I had no idea they were a trigger for you." He had said the last part a bit hesitantly, as if he was afraid that I'd go around smacking his lights out if he even mentioned them.

I stared at the floor.

James decided to push it a little. "I'm sorry if they died, Schmidt. It wasn't thoughtful of me."

"You didn't know," I whispered, blinking rapidly before my vision became blurry.

"Still," he muttered.

"Did you tell anyone?" I asked, finally looking up.

He shook his head and I breathed a sigh of relief. I looked around the dorm and saw that it was probably cleaner than our own, something I hadn't really expected. Hm. I sat down on a random bed and crossed my legs as I stared at James.

"For whatever it's worth," James started, "I really am sorry and I know that this will sound ridiculous to you, but if you ever need someone to talk to... Well, I'm here."

I didn't say anything for a while, before closing my eyes. Might just as well, he had kept my secret so far, right? "I was eleven when my parents died," I whispered, probably just loud enough for him to hear. He stopped shuffling his feet and I felt his gaze on me as I continued. "Mum had baked these chocolate muffins that my father adored that day. He would keep on stealing them even though they were far from ready." I smiled at the memory.

My parents had been playful although they had been married for many years. I hoped I could love like that someday.

Dread filled my stomach instead of butterflies though, as I continued my story. "I was a real daddy's girl. I wouldn't do anything without his approval and if I did finish something I ran off to show him. I figure I was a real bother back then, but he never let it show. He always made time out of whatever he was doing, when I ran to him. He helped me through my first scream, telling me how to handle it. Especially since he was a banshee himself too."

I heard James chuckle. "Love, I don't know what drugs you're on, but you're not a banshee. Those creatures look dreadful."

"Why thank you, James," I said, smiling faintly. "I'm glad to know that I don't resemble a skeleton with floor length, greasy hair."

"You're welcome." His eyes were laughing at me merrily as he sat down next to me. "What did you mean then? Because unless you're taking a shitload of Polyjuice potions, you're not a banshee."

"And yet I am," I told James. I had no idea why I was telling him of all people any of this. It most certainly was incredibly dangerous and if he tattled on me to the wrong person, I'd be dead within a week. And yet... I needed to tell someone. "I'm not one in the truest sense of the word. My screams don't kill people, but I sense when someone's about to die." I stared off into space. "Do you remember when I started crying because Remus asked me something a couple of years ago?" Wondering if James would even remember such a thing. Sirius had though, so why wouldn't James?

James stared at me, before slowly nodding.

"His grandmother died that week, didn't she?"

I felt his gaze sharpen on me as he studied me. "Yes."

I nodded. Amelie Lupin had died of heart failure in her sleep. It was peaceful and nature was simply running its own course, something I couldn't have possibly interfered with.

"How is this possible?" James asked me, still a tad bit disbelievingly.

I didn't care if he believed me or not. For the first time in a long time I felt a burden lift from my shoulders. It was good to confide in somebody, even somebody as pigheaded and annoying as James Potter. "I don't know. My father used to tell me this tale of Merlin blessing our family with this gift," I spat out the last word, "but I don't know if it's real. A good bedtime story is probably all it was."

"I'm taking you haven't ever told anyone this before?" James asked me slowly. I could see his mind churning over what I'm telling him, but I didn't stop. I simply nodded. "Why?"

"So you'd understand why Voldemort killed my parents." James froze and his eyes widened. I continued quickly, before I lost my nerve again. "It was late at night, when my father barged into my room. He told me to hide, which I did." Such a coward I am, I thought hatefully. "A Death Eater entered my room shortly thereafter, asking about me, before killing my father when he thought I had already fled." I didn't want to go into detail and just stared blankly at James's chest. "Dumbledore found me the next morning as I wandered about the house aimlessly." I had been trying to wake my parents, my childish brain not able to take hold of reality right then. Dumbledore had even told me that I had made breakfast for three. I shivered. When the Aurors entered my home, I started screaming and didn't stop until some Healer gave me a sedative. I had been in therapy ever since. "Dumbledore figured that my father refused to join Voldemort's army. Imagine what someone like us would be able to do for the Dark Lord," I said emotionlessly. "He'd let us study every minion carefully before sending him or her on his way, I'm sure. He'd know when death would be near and that's a kind of power I don't want to give to someone like that. Daddy hadn't either, apparently."

James was quiet as he took in my sob story. "Who knows about this?"

"You," I answered, "Dumbledore, Greene and probably McGonagall."

James just sat there in silent shock or surprise, I couldn't really say, before he turned toward me and gave me a hug, which both shocked and surprised _me_. "I'm so terribly sorry."

"Please," I said quietly, "don't be."

He pulled back to give me a confused look.

"I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me," I muttered darkly. I really didn't think I could handle anything like that.

"We aren't inhuman, Nika," James started slowly. "Of course we'll be sorry for what happened to you, but you're still here and alive. That's what counts and I won't pity that."

Tears appeared in my eyes and I hugged him back. How had he known that that was what I needed to hear?

"I'm not sure why you told me-"

I'm not either, to be honest.

"-but thank you. I'll keep your secret safe," he swore.

I don't know why, but I believed him. He was even shaking as he said it. Or maybe that was me.

I pulled back from his embrace. Yeah, the shaking was me. "I really don't want anyone to know," I said slowly. "Not Remus, not Peter, not Sirius."

"They'll find out eventually," James pointed out.

"Yes, but I want to be the one to tell them." Him.

James didn't say anything, but I knew he understood my hidden meaning. "What about Lily?"

"Greene gave me a week to tell her," I said begrudgingly. Or well anyone really and I guessed that telling James counted too, right?

Yeah, probably not.

"Greene was the doctor that came to get you from Transfiguration?" James asked, studying my face.

In for a penny... "He's my psychiatrist," I whispered.

James paled. "I'm sorry for calling you psychotic."

I shrugged. "It's okay. It's kind of true anyway," I muttered softly.

James opened his mouth to say something, but I hushed him with a quick gesture. "Can I count on your silence? Please?"

James bit his lip as he studied me. "Yes. I won't breathe a word of this," he swore.

Merlin, I thought somewhat breathlessly as I followed James to the Great Hall. I had just given up a big part of me to somebody I didn't even know all that much, but it really had felt good.

I felt... relieved, lighter somehow. "Thank you for listening," I told him when we arrived at the Gryffindor table.

James nodded solemnly and watched me go as I looked for Lily. As I sat down, I saw him talking to his friends. A knot formed in my stomach, until he looked up and gave me an assuring smile. I smiled back and turned to Lily.

"How are you feeling?" I asked her carefully. I had taken a seat with my back to the Slytherins, just as she had.

"Better," she whispered, as she grabbed a fruit scone. "How are things with Potter?"

"Better," I echoed. We shared a smile and enjoyed our breakfast in silence.


	26. My worries

_**A/N: My name, unfortunately, is not J.K. Rowling. Therefore I did not invent this marvelous place called Hogwarts, therefore I have no rights to this story except for the plot and my own characters.**_

_Hey guys,_

_I'm sorry that I worried some of you when I didn't post two days in a row. You see, college is taking over my life again now that NaNo is done. I have three presentations in the next week alone, one presentation and a paper in the week after that and three papers the week after that one. Right thereafter it's Christmas break that serves as our study period for our oncoming exams in January. So to say that I'm feeling a little overwhelmed about it all would be an understatement. _

_I am going to keep on trying to upload daily, because I missed hearing from you guys ): And well, it kept me motivated to keep on writing._

_The next chapter is definitely going to be a bit lighter or at least I'm going to try to make it so :P _

_For those of you waiting for another chapter of Living In The Moment, I'll try and write something tomorrow, but I can't promise anything. I'm still figuring out the plot and I want it to be good!_

_Hope you enjoy and again, I am so sorry for worrying you. I am fine, I'm in good health and I saw this hot hunky dude on the train the other day. Life couldn't be better ;)_

_Love,_

_Kelly_

* * *

**Chapter 26**

_You give me no worries,_

_It seems a little vicious,_

_To give you my worries._

_~ Norwegian Stars - Hooverphonic_

The week passed quickly, unfortunately for me. It was Tuesday morning when I realized that I had only two more days left to come clean with Lily. To tell her everything I had told James and do a better job at it too. So far James had indeed kept his word and he didn't treat me any differently than before.

Well, apart from the fact that he wasn't sending me narrow-eyed glares anymore. That definitely was a plus. The Marauders and Lily hadn't really understood how we patched things up so quickly, but whereas the Marauders had seemingly just shrugged it off, Lily kept on giving me weird looks whenever James nodded at me in the halls.

"It's still so weird to see you being friends with him," Lily complained during our class of History of Magic.

I shrugged. "I wouldn't say we are friends per se, Lils," I said, trying to ease her mind. What was it with her and all these insecurities? I wasn't going to leave her for another new, shinier friend. I honestly wasn't and I didn't really understand her fear of me doing so.

Okay, so maybe that was a tiny lie. I knew I had this way about me of shutting myself off from the public whenever things got rough, but I was working hard on this, wasn't I? For Merlin's sake I was trying to come up with a way to tell her about my past! Even with James I had just blurted it out as I thought of it on the spot.

Although if James Potter can treat me no differently than surely Lily wouldn't be any different, right? Especially since she did in fact know me, whereas James did not?

Oh, that reasoning was bullocks.

Would she pity me all the more because she does in fact know me? Because she knows I still cry out at night? Because she knows how broken I actually am?

What would she do if she knew that people were still out there, wanting me dead?

Surely this would only worry her all that much more?

I didn't think that Lily deserved another problem on top of her own worries with Snape. My eyes fell on James's back. I couldn't help but feel a little grateful towards the lad.

He had listened to me and didn't treat me any differently than he would a normal witch or wizard. It was like he had completely forgotten about me being a banshee and was just very understanding about the fact that my parents died.

Why was that? Why didn't he take the news worse than he did? I frowned at that until I realized how stupid it was to analyze something like that.

Why couldn't I just be glad that he had just accepted it? Honestly, why must I always be so paranoid?

"I hate this class," I told Lily, trying to distract myself from my own thoughts.

Lily shrugged. "You need it to go to your last year," she pointed out.

Yes, thank you. I sighed and thudded my head against the desk. "Do I have to stay here?" I asked miserably.

"Unfortunately, yes," Lily simply replied with a giggle. "Although I have already summarized this chapter."

"Obviously," I said with a smile. "May I by any chance borrow that summary?"

Lily raised an eyebrow. "What will you give me in return?" she asked with a little smile of her own.

"My undying gratitude?" I offered.

"Tempting," she mused with humour in her eyes, "but not tempting enough."

I thought quickly. "What's your counteroffer?"

"A truth," Lily replied swiftly, giving her answer no thought at all.

I blinked. "A truth?" I repeated slowly.

"Yes. I ask you a question and you have to answer me truthfully," Lily explained as she tapped her feather against her desk.

For some reason I my eyes were drawn to the Marauders and saw James nodding at me. I smiled. He winked. I turned back to Lily. Lily frowned.

Well then. "Sure," I replied carefully, not really wanting to upset her by keeping any more from her. Besides I was supposed to open up to her, right? Then why not just answer her question?

"What did you and James talk about to bond over so quickly?"

Well, except that.

I hesitated and it must have shown, because I saw Lily withdraw. She looked back to her parchment and her feather stilled on the desk. I bit my lip. If I didn't tell her, I'd hurt her and if I did, I'd probably hurt her as well since I confided in someone she hated faster than I confided in her.

There was no good solution here. "About my parents," I finally whispered, watching her carefully.

Should I have kept quiet? Lily's rigid pose told me that I should have tried telling her something else. Anything else.

But then I would have been lying and she didn't deserve that either.

I felt like hitting my head against the desk again. This friendship thing was terrible.

Should I feel guilty that I told James first? Did it make me a bad person because I didn't?

"Your parents," Lily repeated deadpanned.

"Yes," I replied again, a bit stronger this time. I wasn't going to feel ashamed that I had told James instead of her. I simply refused to. I was pretty damn proud of myself for telling someone at last and I wasn't going to let that feeling be jeopardized by anything. Not even my need to comfort and befriend Lily. I was stronger than that.

Or so I certainly hoped.

"I see," she murmured, eyeing James herself now. I saw James look up, catch her eyes and look away again. He seemed to realize what had happened about a second later, because his head snapped back in a flash as his eyes drank in Lily watching him. A smile started forming on his face that quickly changed into a knowing smirk.

"Prick," she muttered when he waggled his eyebrows at her.

I couldn't really disagree. "Lily," I started, but she shook her head.

"Look, I don't know what made you trust him over me," she whispered slowly, "and I'm not going to pretend that doesn't hurt. I am, however, glad that you've found someone to talk to even if that person isn't me."

I started smiling at her, but she shook her head quickly. "No, don't smile at me right now," she told me sternly. "You have to trust me sometime, sweetie. I know that that's something you can't force and I don't want you to trust me out of obligation or something, if that even makes any sense," she babbled. "I don't understand it though. I thought you hated him, Nika. You hit him!"

I bit my lip again and sighed. I closed my eyes for a second, before opening them again and looking straight into piercing grey eyes.

Time froze, I swore it did. I know that it's such a cheesy thing to say, but it was like everything was muted for those ten seconds. Lily's confused babble, my whirlwind of emotions and the professor's droning voice. All that remained was this feeling of utter and complete peace as I stared in wonder at Sirius Black.

He held his head slightly to the side and gave me the saddest look I had ever seen. He looked so much like a lost puppy there that tears sprung to my eyes. I saw his eyes travelling over my face, before he looked away. He shook his head as he said something to James, who looked over his shoulder to me.

A tear was falling down my left cheek as he gave me a comforting smile. Apparently all of a sudden my little crush on his best friend wasn't that pathetic anymore?

I didn't really know how to interpret that smile, so I decided to not even try. I turned back to Lily and the world came back to life. "Can I talk to you, please?" I asked her, interrupting her mid-sentence.

She blinked. "Why are you crying?" I saw her looking at a certain Marauder and her confused eyes found mine again.

I laughed darkly. Why was she so concerned about me? Why was she so nice? I obviously didn't deserve her, especially since I had just hurt her feelings. Again.

Lily seemed to realize that too, since her gaze hardened. "I thought we were talking?"

I gave her a comforting smile, not unlike James's. "You were talking, Lily. Raging, really," I said slowly. "But I would like to tell you something later tonight if you're up for it."

Lily gave me a confused shake of her head. "What do you want to tell me then?" she sounded exasperated and I couldn't really blame her.

I sighed, but remained quiet.

"How about we talk now?"

How about we don't talk about my dead parents in a classroom full of students? "How about we talk tonight?" I repeated again.

Lily gave me another one of her infamous frowns. "Fine, but I'm not happy with this situation," she told me, thudding her feather against the desk again.

"Duly noted."

I just hoped my courage wouldn't have left me by then. "So how about that summary?"

* * *

After our last class I took Lily for a stroll on the grounds. She had been quiet all day, not exactly ignoring me but I could tell that I had hurt her with my confession. She had been reluctant to go with me at first, but as I started explaining to her what had happened to my family, she kept pace with me easily.

We stopped next to the lake and I finished my story, staring over its surface. Lily was quiet for several moments, before she spoke: "I am so sorry." She grabbed my shoulders and gave me a fierce hug.

I hugged her back a bit awkwardly. "Not your fault," I announced.

Lily looked at me and I was surprised to see tears in her eyes. "Of course it isn't my fault, you silly person, but I am still sorry. I knew something must have happened to your family, especially since you keep calling out for them in your sleep every now and then, but I couldn't have imagined this. I'm sorry."

"Stop saying that," I told her softly and gave her another hug. I wiped her tears away and gave her a smile. "And stop crying, please. I hate it when you cry," I confessed.

Lily gave me a watery smile. "Why did they come after you though?" She cleared her throat and I heard her sniffle a little.

I hesitated right then and there. This would be the time to come clean completely right? I just couldn't. It would just add more on Lily's pile of nonsense and I couldn't. I would tell her, I told myself, but not now.

"I don't know how they found us," I muttered, hating myself as I did so. How I hated this. "And who knows why Voldemort does the things he does?"

Lily nodded, giving my hand a little comforting squeeze. "I'm glad you told me."

I gave her a genuine smile. "Me too."

"I'm sorry I was such a psycho," Lily told me on our way back to the castle, a little while later. "Maybe you should smack some sense into me every now and then like you did with Potter."

I laughed at that. "Yes, because then you won't attack me like a raging fury on her period."

Lily grinned at me. "Now, wouldn't that be a sight?"

I giggled a little and hooked my arm in hers. I knew there was at least one Gryffindor who would like to see Lily in a muddy catfight, that I knew for sure.


	27. Written on my stone

_**A/N: My name, unfortunately, is not J.K. Rowling. Therefore I did not invent this marvelous place called Hogwarts, therefore I have no rights to this story except for the plot and my own characters.**_

_Hey guys,_

_It's gonna be a short one, because I have tons of work to do. (I have my first presentation tomorrow about The Midwest so wish me luck!) _

_This chapter is a little lighter and it gives a little more insight in how Nika is coping with her Sirius Sadness. (Someone needs to make that into a song. Stat.)_

_ WhoeverReaderIs: LOOK! One Direction! _

_I hope you enjoy!_

_Kisses,_

_Kelly_

* * *

**Chapter 27**

_He told me in the morning he don't feel the same about us in his bones,_  
_It seems to me that when I die these words will be written on my stone._  
_~Story Of My Life - One Directio_n

"You look gorgeous," Lily told me as we stared at our own reflections.

I generally didn't really enjoy looking into mirrors, didn't really need them either. I could comb my hair blindly and I didn't use any make-up, which wasn't the case so much now. Lily had drawn a tiny line under my eye and I had to say that it really does make my blue eyes pop. She played a little with the black waves of my hair, before she let them fall on my shoulders.

"You're so pale though," Lily complained. "Maybe if I use a little-"

"No," I said immediately, stepping away from the mirror. "No more makeup. I don't want to look like I'm putting too much effort in my appearance for a certain someone."

Lily frowned. "If this is about Sirius-"

Well, isn't everything in my life about the ridiculous lad nowadays?

"- then I would like to tell you that you need no man to look rockin'."

"Did you read Witch Weekly again, Lily?" Emily asked her as she moved past us to grab her brush and leave the bathroom again.

Lily stuck out her tongue behind Emily's back and I stifled a giggle.

"I saw that," Emily said, without looking over her shoulder.

She couldn't possibly have seen a thing but Lily's giggle was answer enough, I suppose. Lily pushed me back in front of the mirror. "You're looking pretty good, Nika."

No, I didn't, I thought as I looked in the mirror. My face was too round. Do you know those people with those cute, round baby faces? Who always look years younger than they really were, but you still thought they were adorable anyway?

Well, I wasn't like that.

Besides the baby part then.

I thought my round face always made me look younger than I really was, which could be quite frustrating. Especially since I had the mentality of an 80-year-old cynic and besides which kick ass heroine looked like a broken doll anyway?

Although I had to admit that Lily's eye pencil did make me look older, prettier even.

Still I scoffed at my reflection. "Thank you, Lily."

"If you sounded any more insincere I would have dumped you with the Slytherins," Lily said, rolling her eyes.

"Weren't you the one who gave me the whole stereotypes speech?"

She just gave me an unimpressed look.

I sighed. "I am sorry. I think I'm going to do the line everyday now," I promised. I probably would if people didn't ran screaming from me when they saw it.

I mean, one had to do everything to get rid of one's baby face, right? And besides, I really did like the effect it had.

Lily gave me a triumphant grin. "I knew you'd like it," she said proudly.

I patted her arm. "Come on," I said as I heard the girls leave. "Let's go to breakfast."

It was Friday morning and last night's session with Greene had gone extremely well. I had kind of omitted the part of not telling Lily about me being a banshee, but he had been absolutely ecstatic because I didn't tell just one person, but two. He hadn't given me another assignment and for that I was glad.

We were walking down the staircase, when I saw the Marauders talking near the portrait hole. As soon as we neared it, I heard James shout out to me.

Surprised, I stayed to wait whereas Lily walked through the portrait hole. She'd whispered before she'd left that she was going to wait for me in the hall. That was probably for the greater good, since I didn't really fancy any more drama in my life right now. Selfish, but true.

"Hey James," I said with a smile, completely ignoring the other Marauders.

"Hi," he greeted, looking a bit nervous.

I raised an eyebrow at that, not really feeling comfortable at all with the look he was giving me right now. "What's wrong?"

James coughed and mentioned for me to sit down near the fireplace, which I reluctantly did.

"James, what is this?" I asked worrying immensely. I dared a look at the other Marauders who were busy looking at everything else but me. Even Remus was acting shady.

Riiight.

James cleared his throat. "Well, this is seriously awkward, because most of the times I don't even like the girls I need to say this to," James mused aloud.

If a heart were made out of glass, mine had just shattered all over the floor. Again. "Excuse me?" I asked, trying to maintain a brave front. He was so not doing what I thought he was doing.

What had I expected though? As of Sirius not speaking to me hadn't been big enough of a hint!

James gave me an uncomfortable smile. "Please don't kill me for this, but Sirius has asked me to tell you that he isn't interested in you like that."

"That he isn't interested," I sputtered in a weird state of shock that I sincerely hoped to never experience again in my life.

James continued, ignoring the outrage that kept on growing on my face. He had to see what his words were doing, right? Why didn't he stop? "But he does miss you as a friend and he thinks that he would like you in his life again."

He thinks he - "Of all the insufferable things to say!" I growled to myself. What a twat.

"Nika," James sighed, going with a hand through his hair. Yes, I was glad he was feeling as uncomfortable and frustrated with this situation as I was. "He really does miss you, you know?"

"Why can't he tell me this himself?"

Now he truly looked uncomfortable. He looked at his mates, before answering me. "Well, we thought it better if he didn't talk to you right now."

"We?" I repeated. "Did you tell them?" I shrieked the last part loudly, causing the common room to quiet down.

James looked shocked at my outburst, but then quickly started shaking his head. "Of course not," he said just as loud in his surprise, before lowering his voice. "But I think you should tell Sirius though."

"Why? He can't even tell me he doesn't like me to my face," I said scoffing, blinking rapidly.

I was angry, I truly was, but this hurt too.

"Oh dear Merlin," James whispered, "don't go crying on me."

"You need to be careful, James," I told him as angry tears appeared in my eyes. "I might turn psycho on you again."

James made a weird face as he tried grabbing my hand, which I pulled away. "I already told you that I didn't mean it. I'm sorry for that."

I took a deep breath and tried to calm down at the distressed look in his eyes. I wasn't going to shoot the messenger, I thought as I finally forced the tears back. "Does it show that I have been crying?" I demanded, my voice as dead as Sirius was about to be.

James shook his head slowly. "No. Your eyes are slightly red, but that's all."

Good, the blotches hadn't settled in then. I stood up and gave James a hug to give the black haired, hot and yet soon-to-be-dead stud a safe feeling. "Next time he tells you to do something like this," I whispered in James's ear. "Tell him to go fuck himself for me."

James blinked and stiffened in my grip, but I quickly let him go. I gave him a bright smile that I wasn't feeling at all, before I turned around on my heel and marched over to Sirius.

He gave me a relieved look.

Twat. "Don't ever talk to me," I told him slowly, balling my fist as I stood in front of him. His face slowly fell as my words sunk in. "Don't ever look my way, don't ever send James to do your dirty work again and most importantly learn. How. To. Knot. Your. Tie."

How on Earth was that so incredibly sexy anyway? It was totally unfair. I gave his tie an angry look and practically ran out of the common room.

"You certainly took long enough," Lily said just as Sirius yelled my name.

She raised an eyebrow.

"Don't even ask," I told her. "Fucking handsome lads and their ties."

I heard her stifle a laugh. "Yes, they're quite a pest."

I gave her a look and she started laughing loudly. I shook my head at her and hooked my arm in hers. Count on Lily to make me feel better in a situation like this, I thought with a smile. "Quite," I agreed.

* * *

We were lying in wait of Lily's very delicious crush, when the Marauders walked by. Or two of them at least. I pushed farther against the wall and hoped that they wouldn't look too closely at the armour we were hiding behind.

"Why won't you tell me what she said?" Sirius whined.

James gave him a little shove. "Because you should have told her yourself, you prat."

Something we agreed on at least.

"What are they talking about?" Lily asked. I hadn't really told her what had occured that morning and had hoped that I never should have either.

"Sirius misses me, but doesn't want me being in love with him," I summarized in soft tones, "and he sent James to tell me."

"Let him suffer," Lily said immediately.

I shrugged. Not much I could do about that, really.

"You told me I shouldn't," Sirius pointed out, sounding confused.

"Yeah, well, it was a bad idea anyway. You should have known better."

Sirius made a disbelieving sound. "Yes, because I'm really great talking about my feelings and stuff."

James was quiet for a second. "So you do have feelings then?"

I leaned forward to try and catch the answer as they moved farther away.

"No, Prongs, I am a dementor. I suck all the happiness out of a room when I walk in and have no feelings of my own," he said sarcastically.

James laughed at that.

"I just don't have those kind of feelings." I could almost see him shrug his manly shoulders.

"Well," I said as they had moved out of earshot. "I guess he doesn't fancy me then."

Story of my fucking life, I thought bitterly as Lily gave me a comforting squeeze. "You want to quit man hunting for now?" she asked gently.

"Hell no, let's go find your man," I told her, as I pulled her up with me.

I wanted to say screw Sirius and his antics, but this did made me think. Anyway I was quite certain I wasn't going to cry over him tonight. Sometimes you were just done crying and right now I was done. I was just angry and confused now.

"So what are you planning to do to him in Hogsmeade?" I asked to distract Lily and myself.

I listened with a smile as Lily shared all her naughty fantasies with me about a certain Hufflepuff and his gorgeous behind. Her words, not mine.


	28. I shiver when I hear your name

_**A/N: My name, unfortunately, is not J.K. Rowling. Therefore I did not invent this marvelous place called Hogwarts, therefore I have no rights to this story except for the plot and my own characters.**_

_Hey guys,_

_I'm sorry that it took me so long to upload a new chapter. I've had quite the shitty week. I messed up my French presentation, but aced my English one. That's good I suppose, what's really bothering me though is that I'm currently in a huge fight with a former friend of mine. (Can't really call her a friend anymore, she hurt me too badly for that.)_

_So yeah, I wasn't really in the right state of mind to write anything decent. That is also why this chapter is full with clichés and I am sorry, but it's the best I can do right now and I need to get the story moving forward again._

_I hope you enjoy and thank you to all of those that reviewed, followed and favourited!_

_Love,_

_Kelly_

* * *

**Chapter 28**

_I shiver when I hear your name_

_I think about you but it's not the same_

_I won't be satisfied 'til I'm under your skin_

_~ Shiver - Maroon 5_

It was the day of Lily's date and she was going absolutely mad.

"Can I wear this?" Lily asked me showing me a cute green skirt that I absolutely adored.

However it barely touched her knees. "It's February and we are in Scotland," I pointed out.

She threw it on her enormous pile of rejected clothes on her bed and turned back to her closet. "Aaargh," she screamed, hitting her head against her closet door.

I shook my head and started digging through her pile of clothes. I found a cute Muggle jeans, which I threw against Lily's back. "Although I love that red underwear set you're sporting, Lils, please cover it up."

She grabbed the pants and gave me a look. "Shouldn't I wear a dress or a skirt?" she asked, hesitating.

Well, she'd definitely look gorgeous in one of those. "It's February," I simply said again. "Only crazy people walk around with their legs bared."

Lily shrugged. I gently moved her away from her closet and looked around till I found the sweater I had seen her wear two weeks ago. It was a green v-neck that did wonders for her figure. I handed it to her and gave her a kind smile. "Wear that."

"Green? Again? I always wear green," Lily pointed out hesitantly.

"That's because green is your colour, sweetheart. Now go get dressed, before your date decides to find his happiness elsewhere."

Lily sighed and put the pants on. She gave me another doubtful look, before she pulled the sweater over her head. "How do I look?" she asked nervously.

"Beautiful and warm."

Lily giggled at that. "Well, at least he won't think I'm desperate."

I rolled my eyes. "You're not desperate, Lily. No matter what you wear, that's a lie men make up to make themselves feel better."

She grinned devilishly. "Oh, but I am desperate," Lily said, waggling her eyebrows at me.

"Every day," I started slowly, giving her a doubtful look, "I understand more and more why James is in love with you."

She threw a shoe my way. "Potter wouldn't know what love is even it smacked him on the ass."

"And quite the magnificent ass it is," I said seriously.

Lily nodded, stopped, gave me a narrow-eyed look and threw the other shoe. I caught it easily and laughed. "Denial," I sang teasingly. Honestly, I knew she wasn't interested in James like that, or well in any way really. Still it was fun to see her flush a bright red in anger and frustration.

"It's bad enough that the bloody sod himself thinks I'm in denial of my feelings for him, I don't need that crap from you," she said, waving her finger threateningly my way.

I just laughed. "Sure, my lovely lilyflower," I teased, purposefully using his nickname for her.

"Stop," Lily frowned.

I grinned evilly and pointed to the bathroom. "Hurry up or I'm telling him you said his name in your sleep."

"Remind me why I am friends with you again?" Lily asked me as she dutifully moved to the bathroom, throwing a weird look my way.

"Because I am just that awesome," I sang, before putting a spell on her clothes so they'd hang themselves in her closet again. I was just about done when Lily emerged again. Her make-up was subtle, but it made her green eyes pop and her lips fuller.

"If I could whistle, I would," I told Lily admiringly. She did a little twirl for me and her curls danced merrily around her shoulders as she did so. "You look stunning! Trey won't know what hit him."

Lily clapped in her hands excitedly. "Thank you," she grinned, her smile almost too big for her face.

I shook my head in amusement. She had been so excited the last week or so for this date and I was thrilled that the day had finally come. She was, however, running late by about half an hour already.

Lily seemed to realize this too, because she flushed again. "Oh dear, we're late. We're so, so late," she muttered as she grabbed her bag, threw in some random stuff and a couple of galleons. She waved at me, threw me an air kiss and off she was.

I laughed silently, grabbed my own purse and followed her down. She was already halfway down the stairs. "Have fun," I yelled after her.

"Will do," I heard the faint reply as she dashed from view.

"Where is she scurrying off to?" Miranda asked me when I passed her in the common room.

"Don't you have a date?" I gave her a look, taking in the short skirt and the barely there jacket. Apparently it wasn't February for everyone, I thought. It was either that or she was used to the cold already. Living without a soul must have some benefits after all.

Miranda gave me a smirk. "Indeed, I do," she said. She had been bragging about it yesterday although she had refused to tell anyone who it was she was going on a date with. "And I doubt you're going to like it very much."

She gave me a smug look and her face lit up when she saw something over my left shoulder. I looked behind me and froze in place. Oh.

I quickly arranged my face again and gave the guy behind Sirius a wide smile that was so terribly phony that people in India could feel the insincerity of it. "Hiya James."

We hadn't talked for the last month or so, unless you counted the casual greeting and the little how-have-you-beens we exchanged during class.

"Nika," James greeted, giving me an apologetic look.

I shrugged in answer. I was so over Sirius Black and his gorgeous black hair anyway. Not to mention his grey eyes, so past that. I even stopped having fantasies about the lad and his voice didn't give me shivers anymore. None.

"Hey Nika," Sirius said softly, instantly attracting my gaze.

I stared into his eyes as goose bumps formed under my sweater. I wondered how being kissed by him felt like. He'd probably be all he-man about it, I thought dreamily. He'd push me against a wall and push my legs apart with his own. His hand would grip my hair almost painfully as he demanded me to-

No. I was done doing that. "Sirius," I said, hating how breathless my voice sounded.

Way to give it all away, Nika. Honestly, woman. Do you want the lad to know you daydream about him almost every other five minutes?

Pathetic creature is what you are.

"I was wondering if I could have a word?" he murmured, staring intently. He ignored Miranda's outraged gasp and oh, how I wanted to say yes.

His eyes were pleading my soul for an affirmative answer and I needed to give him that, but I didn't. Because I was an angry, independent woman who was going to breathe new life into the phrase "hell hath no fury like a woman scorned."

Absolutely.

The shivers sure were annoying though. I held my purse closer to my body and felt how my fingers dug into the leather. "Not right now," I said, trying to sound apologetic.

"Look, I know you're angry," Sirius started, but I interrupted him.

"I'm not angry," I muttered darkly. "I'm upset. I'm furious. I'm hurt."

Miranda clucked her tongue at that. "Yes, we can all hear you cry out at night, Nika. We know you are quite the upset little witch. Don't know why Sirius triggered your nightmares again though. Missing the family, eh?" I was going to kill her.

James took a step forward, but I just gave her a happy laugh.

"Yes, Miranda. I do actually. Maybe I'll write them a letter and let you deliver it," I said with delight. She seemed confused by that though and I couldn't help but feel a bit happy by that.

"Aren't they dead?" she asked me.

Here's the thing. Miranda was actually quite a bright girl. Maybe not as smart as Lily, because let's be real nobody is as smart as Lily, but she was certainly not dumb. She might like to act like a total bitch, but I guessed that too had its reasons. Not that I was interested in hearing any of them.

My sob story was quite sob inducing enough for me, thank you very much. "Why yes," I said softly, taking a step forward to her as I did so. "And if you mention that fact to anyone else today I'll make sure you join them."

She gave me a disbelieving look, but for once I wasn't kidding. I had had about enough of Miranda and her little games.

"You're just jealous," she pointed out just as softly.

"Quite," I admitted shamelessly, wanting to smack her pretty face as I did, "but have at him. He's all yours." I moved away from her again. "Boys," I said, nodding and quickly walked out of the common room.

I seemed to do that quite a lot lately. Run from the common room whenever I have a confrontation with anyone. Being friends with Lily had done wonders for my self-esteem, I realized as I walked towards the Great Hall in silence. A couple of months ago I would have jumped at the chance to talk with Sirius, no matter how angry I was at him deep down. Not anymore though. This time he was going to have to do his own dirty work.

Then again, a little voice in my head told me, making me stop in my tracks, if you want him to talk to you himself, you are going to have to _let_ him talk to you.

Damn. I was such a cow sometimes.

* * *

I had just spent half of my money on sugar quills, when I heard the infectious laughter I recognized immediately. I turned around, only to see the Marauders minus one throwing snowballs at each other. There was huge black dog running around them, occasionally being hit by one of those snowballs.

I frowned at that. "Hey!" I shouted, as I ran towards them, clutching my bag of sugary goods tightly. "Stop that!"

How could they just throw snowballs at a dog like that? No matter that the dog was barking at them happily.

I frowned at that. Why was the dog happy about being hit by snow?

"Nika, love," James said grinning.

Remus seemed to be telling the dog something, which I assumed was some variation of sit, since he sat down immediately at Remus's feet. Peter looked a little uneasy as he dropped the snowball quickly, making James frown at him.

"Hello," I said slowly. "What were you doing?" I glanced between James and the dog and back again.

James shrugged. "Having a snow fight."

"With a dog?" I asked, just to be clear.

"Yes," Remus confirmed.

I crouched down and cooed at the dog. It held his head to the side and for a moment I thought he wouldn't come to me, but when I was just about to stand up again he came towards me hesitantly.

I rubbed him gently under his chin like my father taught me when I was still a child. The dog seemed to like that since he moved closer and he licked my hand when I stopped. I took that as permission to scratch behind his ears. "What's his name?" I asked James, wondering if he knew that this dog looked an awful lot like the Grim.

Maybe it was the Grim and maybe that's why he liked my petting so much.

Yeah, probably not. But still.

"Eerhm, he's not ours so I wouldn't know."

I gave him an outraged look. "You were throwing snowballs at a dog you don't even know the name of? He isn't even your dog?"

James shuffled uncomfortably on his feet. "Yes?"

I looked at Remus for an explanation, but he just gave me an unreadable look. "James, Peter and I are going to Honeyduke's," he said instead.

Didn't he like me or something? I thought vaguely as I continued petting the dog. I had always thought Remus to be the kindest of the group, but he just completely brushed me off?

James just waved them off and off they went. "So how's your day been so far?"

"Surprisingly good," I said truthfully, laughing a little at the dog's antics. His right paw was resting on my knee and he cocked his head to the side, as if questioning why I stopped giving him all my attention. "Got some sweets myself."

"I can see that," James said softly. We were quiet for a second, before I gave the dog one last pat on the head and rose.

"Feel like taking a stroll?" James asked me quickly, as if afraid that I'd be leaving so soon. He shook his head a little to clear his hair of snow and I felt my mouth corners curl up a little.

I raised an eyebrow in silent question, which he ignored. "I - yes?" I offered.

James nodded and offered to carry my bag of sweets, which I refused of course. Nobody was touching that bag, but me. And maybe Lily, if she was good. He laid my hand in the crook of his arm instead and we walked.

"I wanted to thank you," I said after a little while as I watched the dog walking on the other side of me, his flank every now and then brushing against my leg.

"Whatever for?" Surprise made his posture stiff as he walked.

I squeezed his arm assuredly. "For wanting to stick up for me to my dorm mate. You didn't have to do that."

"Well," James pointed out drily, "I didn't."

No, because I stopped him. "Well," I said in the same tone, "you wanted to. So thank you. She only knows about my parents because of the nightmares, you know. She gathered bits and pieces over the years."

James seemed uncomfortable with the subject, but then again I supposed he was bound to feel a little distressed. I mean I would too, if an acquaintance wanted to talk dead parents with me. "Don't mention it," he murmured. "Literally don't mention it." He stressed the 'don't' in the sentence and gave me a meaningful look, one I didn't get at all.

"Are you quite alright?" I asked, when even the dog let out a worried whine.

Not his dog, my arse, I thought.

"Are you?"

I shrugged. "Why shouldn't I be?" Because Sirius was currently on a date with that tramp? Puhlease.

I bet she couldn't make him moan half as loud as I could.

In my dreams that is.

"Well, because of Sirius of course."

"Of course," I said drily, "because my world revolves around one stunning Sirius Black."

"You think he's stunning?" James asked, sounding quite stunned himself.

Ha! See what I did there?

"Doesn't everybody?" I retorted, rolling my eyes.

The dog barked at my feet and I gave it a little pat.

James gave the dog a disgusted look. "My question was if you do," he insisted.

I sighed heavily. "Why do you want to talk about my crush all of a sudden, James? I thought you didn't like me crushing on him anyway?"

"If this is about you being psychotic," he started, but I interrupted him swiftly.

"I know you didn't mean that," I said shrugging. Still hurt though.

James was quiet for a little while. "Good, how long has this been going on then?"

I blinked a couple of times and stopped in my tracks. I studied him anxiously. Why did he want to know all this? Did someone put him up to it? Then again that would suggest that someone would have to care about such a thing. "The fancying bit or the noticing bit?"

It was James's turn to look confused now. "The noticing bit?" he repeated.

"Yeah," I said, "the admiring from afar." Wishing to be more like him, wishing I was able to be his friend. Wishing I was as courageous as he was. Just wishing, really.

"How about both?"

"First and third year," I mumbled and started walking again briskly.

"What was that?" James caught up with me quickly as did the dog.

I repeated what I said earlier and thought that his eyes were about to bulge from his head. "Well maybe I fancied him a bit longer, don't really know."

"You've fancied my best mate for three years? Maybe a bit longer?" he sounded so incredulous that I laughed.

"Yes, quite the pathetic little banshee I am, eh?" I said teasingly. I saw something flicker in James's eyes as he pulled me to a stop. The dog sat down at my feet, staring at James. James was staring right back, before he turned to me again.

That was so his dog, I thought. Where had he been hiding him at Hogwarts? Filch was going to have field day if he found out.

"Why?"

I shifted uncomfortably at that. "Why do I fancy him?" James nodded. "I don't know, why do you fancy Lily?"

"Because she's kind, considerate and smart. Every time I hear her voice, my heart skips a beat and it physically hurts me to not be around her."

"When she's in the room," I continued for him, "your eyes are immediately drawn to her and you are filled with admiration. You want to be her friend, the one she trusts, but at the same time that isn't enough."

James stared at me in wonder. "Yes," he whispered.

"I fancy Sirius because he's what I want to be," I stated softly. "He's strong, since he had a terrible childhood and he came out on top anyway. He has this wicked sense of humour that I adore and most of all he too is kind to others most of the time. His voice makes me shiver, like honest to Merlin shiver," I smiled. "He can be incredibly selfish, but that's fine. Because he is so utterly selfless when it comes to his friends that he's bound to get a little selfish about other things. He's smart, can't knot a tie to save his life and he likes to play with his pinky when he's nervous. He isn't perfect, but he does come close."

James stared at me in silence and even the dog seemed frozen for a second there. "Well that ought to do it," he agreed.

"I am so over him though," I said quickly when it fully registered what I had just told James. Awwkard.

He chuckled. "Of course you are."

I gave him a wry smile. "Anyway, thanks again for having my back, James." I was about to turn and leave when his voice stopped me in my tracks.

"Nika? Is it true that Lily's currently on a date?"

I closed my eyes for a second and slowly turned around again. I searched his face to see how he would take it, but it was a perfect poker face. "Yes," I said simply.

He nodded and crouched down to talk to the dog.

"Don't let her catch you with him," I yelled over my shoulder as I moved away again. I didn't hear James reply, but I did hear the dog's bark and I smiled.


	29. Amen from the back of the choir

_**A/N: My name, unfortunately, is not J.K. Rowling. Therefore I did not invent this marvelous place called Hogwarts, therefore I have no rights to this story except for the plot and my own characters.**_

_Hey guys,_

_I AM BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAACK!_

_I know I haven't updated in about a week and I am, again, sorry for that. I do understand that you are impatient for another chapter and that you want to know what happens next. (However being snappish and sarcastic isn't going to make me update faster!) I get that it sucks that you have to wait a little while longer for a new update now, believe me I do. I read fanfiction too and it's really frustrating when an author doesn't update. (LitM fans: I am sorry. I love you.) However I do hope that you are a bit understanding of the situation I am currently in. I have a lot of drama in my life right now because of this one friend who didn't stab me once in the back, but twice. I have a lot of homework to catch up on, a lot of deadlines to make and college really does come first right now. Especially since January and the exams are just around the corner. _

_So I am sorry that I can't update any faster. I don't have much free time left and when I do, I'm usually too mentally exhausted to even think about writing. I'll try to update more often and I'll try to update on Saturday. (I can't tomorrow, because I'm going to see the Hobbit in the evening! SO EXCITED!) _

_Rant aside, I hope you guys enjoy this chapter! It's got quite a few surprises and I'm curious as to what you guys will think about this new turn of events! *insert evil laugh*_

_Love,_

_Kelly_

* * *

**Chapter 29**

_And oh when you give me that kiss,_

_It's like Amen from the back of the choir._

_~ You Sound Good To Me - Lucy Hale_

I was reading a book of Lily's, waiting for her as I did so. I had stolen it from her secret stash underneath her bed and the book was about a girl, Alice, who tumbled, like literally tumbled, into this whole new world she called Wonderland. It was weird and I wasn't really sure if I liked it or not.

Anyway it was better than looking about as lonely as I felt in that moment. Dinner would be served in about an hour and Lily still hadn't returned. She was cutting it rather short to the curfew and although I was really happy that she was probably having a good time, I wanted a little company.

As if Fate had decided to mess a bit more with me, a voice piped up behind me. "Do you mind if I sit there?"

Every atom in my body froze and goose bumps took over my arms and legs faster than McGonagall could purse her lips. The world really couldn't hate me this much, could it? Really?

I felt like kneeling down on a field, screaming as lightening struck a tree behind me.

Okay, so maybe Lily's books were making me feel a little dramatic and obviously Alice In Wonderland was making me a little too creative and imaginative to be healthy.

I wondered what the right course to take here was. I could say: "Yes, please, Sirius sit next to me and ravish me till my voice is hoarse from screaming your name."

But then again, that might be a little extreme and it would definitely make him run for the hills again.

I licked my lips. I liked the picture of Sirius on top of me and gazing at me though. Lust setting his eyes ablaze.

Ahhu.

Yes, please.

Too bad Christmas already came.

"Sure," I said instead a tad bit exasperated with him and myself both. I was supposed to be upset with the lad.

I wasn't missing him and I was very angry indeed, I reminded myself.

"Great," Sirius said with a carefree laugh, before he jumped over the back of the couch in a swift move and plopped down next to me.

His right side of his body brushed against mine as he did so and I looked away.

I should have never given James that speech today and the next time Lily wanted me to read one of her romance novels, I was throwing them out the window as soon as I possibly could.

Damn this. I tried to subtly move away a little, but the way the corner of his mouth curled told me subtlety wasn't my middle name.

Double damn. "What do you want?" I asked holding the book to my chest as if it were a shield.

Yeah, as if there was anything on this world that could protect me from the mischievous look he was currently giving me.

"Ah, what don't I want?" Sirius sighed playfully, giving me a wink. My stomach turned and fluttered at the same time. What was he up to? "No exams for starters, a successful career as an Auror maybe. A cute girl to warm my bed, definitely, and I am going to have to replace a couple of my boxers since they are now completely ruined." He sounded so sad about it all, but my mind had completely halted at the word 'boxers'.

I knew he was a boxers kind of guy! I knew it.

I blinked. Why was he telling me that though? "Does this story of yours have a point?" I asked, my voice not much more than a squeak at that point.

Embarrassing. Pull yourself together, Nika. Honestly.

Sirius's eyes twinkled with mirth. "Love, all my stories have a point."

My head was spinning and I just couldn't take it anymore. I just hoped my face wasn't as desperate as I felt. "Then get to it, Sirius," I murmured softly, staring at his hands.

He had his fingers entwined as they rested on his stomach. I couldn't help but wonder how they would feel entwined with mine, which was the sheerest folly. That would never happen and even if the attraction was mutual, which it wasn't, I had no idea how I would keep him at a distance.

I had a difficult enough a task to keep _my_ distance as it was. Could you imagine what kind of danger my heart would be in if he actually gave chase?!

"Well I was just thinking today that I didn't like the way I handled things." I couldn't help but scoff at that. That made two of us, you twat. "I wanted to properly apologize to you and I am sorry that I reacted the way I did."

I waited a couple of seconds and only turned my hard stare on him, when I knew that was exactly what it was. I had so many different emotions raging inside that it was hard to distinguish even one, but there was one emotion that was just a bit stronger than the others. It pushed aside desire, hope and even love. Cringe.

It was one thing having a crush on a guy and it was another thing entirely realizing that you are starting to feel something a lot stronger. Something he definitely didn't deserve, if the way he treated me was anything to go by. That anger was a buoy in a raging storm, that I held gripped firmly and refused to let go.

Although I did get the feeling that Sirius didn't apologize all that often, I wasn't going to let him get away with this.

The anger seemed to surprise him a little, but he quickly recovered and gave me one of his notorious smiles. "I am sorry, Nika," Sirius said softly, taking hold of my hand gently.

"Don't smile at me right now," I told him, feeling myself wavering. I was a strong, independent woman who didn't need any sexy smiles, damn him. "What you did hurt my feelings, Sirius Black."

He looked away, but didn't let go of my hand. "I know," he muttered darkly.

"I don't think you do," I started. "Besides where is this coming from all of a sudden?" No. James wouldn't, right? "Did you talk to James?"

Sirius head shot towards me as he studied me. "Why? Is there something I need to know?"

I snorted at that. "No." If he knew how deep my feelings truly ran, his ego would only inflate more and that was something Hogwarts really didn't need.

We sat in silence for a little while, before he came back in full force. "Look, little dove, I'm really sorry for the way I behaved. I was an asshole and I thought that you just saw me as a plaything, you know? I didn't want you to think of me like that, because although I am insanely handsome and absolutely awesome in everything I do, I wanted our friendship to go down a different road."

Yes. I totally got that message when you ran from the library, thanks.

My thoughts must have shown, since he squeezed my hands. "I do care, Nika."

I couldn't help it, I had to know. "What changed your mind?"

Sirius's eyes studied me intensely, peering straight into my soul. "I don't know," he muttered, "I just know that if I didn't make up with you I would regret it."

I stared at him blankly, completely at a loss. I had no clue what to do next. None. "I'm not really sure-"

"You don't have to say anything yet, little dove." I think my heart just melted. "Just think about my apology, okay?"

"You think saying sorry will just fix everything?" I asked him, although I couldn't help but think about what he had said earlier. A plaything? What had he meant by that? Did he really think I only wanted him for his body?

Don't get me wrong. It was a magnificent body, sure, but I wasn't one of those girls who wanted just a shell of a relationship though. I was in all the way - obviously, since my crush was taking on a whole new level of creepy already - or not at all. His body alone would have never made me happy.

Although I guess, I was probably just pathetic enough to take whatever he decided to give me.

"No, I know it won't," Sirius said gently, his thumb driving me to distraction as it caressed the back of my hand. "But I want what we had back in my life." I studied him, several thoughts running through my head at once. My head was going to explode if he kept this up. "And," he continued seriously, "I'm ready to fight for it."

I blinked at that. "What?"

Sirius gave me a smile so gentle, that even the most cynic part of me sighed dreamily. What was going on? "Also, I wanted to try something."

He completely froze for a second, so I froze too. "What?" I asked, eyeing him suspiciously although a sliver of hope tried to fight its way to the surface. I squashed it.

Sirius studied me for a long moment, before he released my hand. I immediately missed the warmth, but stilled when his hand tilted my chin up a little and stayed there.

I felt my eyes widen as I stared at him, not unlike a deer caught in the headlights would. No. No. No. No.

Sirius moved closer and stopped a breath away from my face. Our noses were almost touching and I swore the world stilled. All my problems seemed to vanish in that particular moment and all that mattered to me right then and there was if he would bridge the remaining distance between his lips and mine.

His thumb stroked my chin and a shiver ran down my spine. Sirius moved closer still until his lips nearly touched mine. His lips caressed the corner of my mouth lightly, before he moved them across my cheek to my ear. "I am sorry," he whispered again, somehow it felt to me like he was apologizing for more than being a prat.

Was he sorry that he couldn't return my feelings? Was he sorry that he had given me the cold shoulder after running away? What?

I was hardly aware of him leaving after that, being in a complete state of shock. It was only after a couple of minutes, when Lily sat down next to me and gave me a weird look that the world rushed back to me.

"What happened to you?" Lily demanded, happiness radiating from her.

I swallowed. Hell if I knew. "How was your date?" I asked instead, not sure if I wanted to discuss Sirius right then.

Lily gave me a brilliant smile. "Trey is divine," she sighed happily, letting her body sink into the couch.

I smiled feebly at that. "What did he do to deserve such admiration?"

"Have you seen his behind?" Lily teased and I couldn't help but think about the comment Sirius made earlier. Lily wasn't like that either though, I knew that. "No, but seriously he opened doors for me and he carried all my purchases!" She gestured to the plastic bags at her feet and my smile turned more sincere.

"Where did he take you?"

"The Three Broomsticks," Lily gushed. "I had actually thought to see you there. What happened? Didn't you go to Hogsmeade after all? Anyway when we were sitting down, we started talking and talking. It felt like I had known him for ages, Nika. We have so much in common and he was so gentle. I can't believe my luck." Lily sighed happily.

"He sounds great, Lils."

Lily beamed. "He does, doesn't he?"

I nodded.

"He asked me to go on another date next Wednesday," she said excitedly, clapping her hands.

I grinned. "I hope you took him up on that offer?"

"Hell yes," Lily giggled.

"Give me details," I demanded, hoping that would distract me from what happened only minutes before. Although the trail Sirius made with his lips was still tingling like mad.

As Lily gushed about Trey Sullivan, my eyes wandered the common room. I tried to listen, I really did. As soon as my eyes caught Sirius's though and the wink he sent my way, I was lost.

Merlin, what had gotten into the boy? I thought as hope and excitement made my blood run faster.

* * *

_For those of you who are now undoubtedly worrying that I completely changed Sirius's character: don't worry, I didn't. Just be patient :D Hope you enjoyed xx_


	30. Light the candle

_**A/N: My name, unfortunately, is not J.K. Rowling. Therefore I did not invent this marvelous place called Hogwarts, therefore I have no rights to this story except for the plot and my own characters.**_

_Hey guys,_

_I did actually write this chapter last night, but it was sooo bad that I needed to sleep on it. It turned out better, but it still isn't what I really wanted. Hm. _

_I decided to take a song from the musical RENT this time. (If you haven't watched it yet, go watch the movie. It has the original Broadway cast and is actually quite good.) I chose this song because, despite that it could be interpreted in many ways, I always thought Mimi needed Roger to show her love and hope. _

_Anyway I hope you enjoy!_

_Love,_

_Kelly_

* * *

**Chapter 30**

_We could light the candle,_  
_Oh won't you light the candle?_

_~Light My Candle - RENT_

The next morning Lily was up and about before anyone else in our dorm. When I lazily opened my eyes, I saw her fussing in front of her mirror with a healthy blush on her cheeks. When she saw I was awake she ran towards me and knelt in front of my bed, holding her face too close to mine for comfort.

"Lily," I croaked. "What are you doing?"

"I don't know how to wear my hair," she whispered, her eyes open wide.

"Down," I replied immediately. "Why?" I yawned and rolled on my back. I loved the girl, but I didn't really need to see her face up close for longer than a couple of minutes.

"I'm dressing to impress today," Lily answered, swiftly walking back to her mirror.

I groaned, when I saw how late it was on Miranda's alarm clock. "Lily, it's Sunday," I cried.

"Yes," she confirmed.

"It's six o'clock," I shrieked, waking everyone else in the process of doing so.

"Merlin," I heard somebody moan.

"Shut it, Schmidt!"

Right. "Sorry," I whispered, before rolling out of bed in one smooth move. I landed on my feet without a problem and thought that was pretty damn bad ass of me. When I looked at Lily, I saw her studying me with an amused expression.

I winked.

She winked back.

I went over and stood next to her as we both stared in the mirror. "I'd definitely let your hair down," I murmured and messed it up a little. She looked a little wild, but the bed hair look did her wonders if I was being honest. I was 99% sure that James was going to flip when he saw her like that, so there. How could Trey not love it?

Lily gave me an unsure look. "Like this?" she asked, giving her reflection a doubtful look.

I studied her reflection for a moment, before I pulled her to the bathroom with me. "Do the eyeliner thing," I commanded.

"It's Sunday," she protested. "I'll look like I'm trying too hard."

If I could I would have grabbed the pencil and done her make-up myself. I was scared though that I'd completely mess it up and that she'd look like a total clown. Lily would then probably be too nice to tell me that my making up skills were quite lacking and she'd brave the day with my butchered job. I wasn't about to let that happen though. "Please," I prodded, "just make it a thin line."

With an uncertain hum, Lily set to work. When she was done I was positively beaming with the effect. "Now you look absolutely stunning," I told her. "He's gonna fall flat on his arse when he sees you."

Lily beamed with the compliment and did a funny little dance as she squealed.

"What was that?" I asked, laughing.

"Could you two shut it?!" Miranda yelled.

I grabbed Lily's hand and dragged her out of the bathroom, out of our dorm and into the common room which was still deserted. Thank Merlin, I thought silently as I realized that I was still in my puppy love pyjamas. No, seriously. It had little puppies rolling around printed on it and every now and then it mentioned the phrase "puppy love".

"What are you doing?" she giggled as she let me drag her around.

Well it wasn't like anyone was coming down this early in the morning anyway.

"Show me that dance again."

Lily blushed. "No!"

"Lily," I pleaded. It had been terribly cute and I wanted to see it again. "I had no idea you could dance."

"That wasn't dancing," Lily frowned. "That was butt wiggling and waving one's arms around."

I tried to imitate what she had done before and she burst out laughing.

"That's ridiculous," she told me.

I wiggled my butt again.

She giggled.

I jumped on the couch and did it once more for good measure.

"Weren't you tired just now?" she asked me through her laughing fits.

I stuck out my tongue, but couldn't help giggling myself. "Your butt wiggling skills woke me up," I laughed.

Lily shook her head. "Come on get off that couch, Nika," she coaxed, causing me to wiggle my hips again.

"Nope. I quite like it."

"Oh my Merlin, stop jumping." Her eyes widened as she eyed the couch worriedly. I loved the girl, I truly did, but this just wasn't acceptable.

"Come on, Lils. Have a little fun with me," I pleaded.

Lily shook her head as she licked her lips. "I shouldn't," she said slowly even though she took a step closer.

I grinned, grabbed her hand and pulled her up there with me. This was the first time in years that I had danced on top of furniture. I smiled when the memory of doing the exact same thing with my mother popped up in my head. I grinned happily at Lily and realized in that instant that she was my family now. "I'm glad I have you in my life, Lils," I told her, squeezing her hand. I regretted not letting her in sooner and hoped she would stay for a long, long time.

"No time to be sentimental," Lily teased me, before she started jumping up and down. Every time she came down she did a weird butt wiggle.

I did the same, but made waves with my arms in front of me as I went down and did the butt wiggle.

We were soon giggling, shrieking and wiggling our butts as if our lives depended on it. I had no idea what had made me so hyperactive all of a sudden, but I was. I looked over at Lily when she suddenly stopped jumping up and down. She had paled and I followed her gaze with dread.

James and Peter stood in the portrait hole as they stared amusedly at us. "Enjoying ourselves are we?" James asked us with a cocky smile.

"Come wiggle butt with us," I said, not really meaning it but feeling too giddy to say anything else.

I heard Lily gasp in disbelief and knew she was currently staring at me as if I had completely lost it. Which might as well be the case. Peter was laughing silently besides James and held himself up by leaning against the portrait.

"You too, Peter," I offered. He just shook his head as he laughed.

"I'm sorry, my dear," James said dramatically, "but the only one I will be wiggling butt with is your lovely companion." He waggled his eyebrows and I giggled.

I looked at Lily and froze. Her face was red, flushed with anger or embarrassment, I couldn't really tell. "Never," she swore, her fists balled at her sides.

Ah, anger then.

James seemed unfazed by it. "Ah, how quickly you dismiss our love, my lovely flower."

"Shut up, Potter. I am not your flower and I am not going to wiggle butt with you!"

I silently sat down in the couch I had been abusing only moments before and seemed to come down from my sleep induced high quickly enough. I felt it slowly crawl its way to my cheeks and decided to change the subject. "Where is Remus?" I asked.

Where is Sirius? I meant.

James who seemed to be a little hurt by Lily's fierce dismissal, gave me a brief look. "Wormtail, please go fetch Padfoot? Maybe he would like to wiggle," his mouth twitched, "butt with one of these lasses."

"James Potter," Lily started in an outrage as she jumped off the couch and went to stand in front of him.

"Oh really, Peter, there's no need," I blushed at the same time as Lily started raging at James for being... well James.

Peter just chuckled and gave me a wink. Instead of going wherever Sirius was though, he decided to go upstairs to their dorm. I made up my mind to thank the lad later. He was definitely the most underrated Marauder, I decided.

"Did you get back just now?" Lily asked, fury reddening her face to a rather unattractive shade.

It didn't seem to bother James though, seeing as he was still staring her lovingly. I couldn't help but wonder if the same look of utter admiration decorated my face whenever I was around a certain Sirius Black.

"Yes, Lily," James said slowly.

"What were you thinking?" Lily asked, eyeing James through narrowed eyes. "The sun is about to rise! It's six thirty, Potter!"

James rolled his eyes.

"What if you were caught? What if you were expelled?" she continued. "What would you do then?"

James grinned mischievously all of a sudden. "So you do care about little ol' me eh?"

"I - That was not what I meant," Lily spluttered.

"But what would you do if I got expelled, my lovely Lily?"

"Throw a party to which you are obviously not invited!"

I decided an intervention was needed. "How about you two stop yelling like an old married couple so I can go back upstairs and get changed?" Before Sirius came through that portrait hole and saw me wearing this ridiculous pyjamas?

Lily huffed, gave James one last glare, before she hooked her arm into mine and we went upstairs. "I bloody hate the prat," she muttered darkly.

"I know," I sighed soothingly.

Lily shook her head angrily, before she gave a defeated sigh. She opened the dorm door and sneaked in, careful to not wake the others up again.

I bit my lip and followed her silently.

"What I want to know though, is where they came from," Lily whispered as she made her way to her bed.

"And why Remus wasn't with them," I added.

Lily took a look at her calendar and I heard her sigh.

"What is it?"

"It says here that I have to study Herbology today. You know how I dread Herbology."

I laughed silently. "You'll manage. You're Lily Evans after all, you always do. Besides I don't think it's all that bad if you take a break from your studying schedule every now and then."

I heard her murmur something to herself as she sat down on her bed. She always managed to make me feel completely incompetent at school, that one. I had never in my whole career as a Hogwarts student made a schedule that I actually followed.

I grabbed my clothes and dashed into the bathroom. Where had the boys come from though? I wondered as I stood underneath the shower.

* * *

An hour and a half later we were sitting at the Gryffindor table in the Great Hall, quite enjoying our breakfast when the love of my life decided to crash the party and steal my toast. "Hey!" I shouted rather loudly. I had just prepared that one!

"Sorry, my little dove," Sirius said, not sounding sorry at all. He bit into the toast and I glared at him. He looked exhausted, I thought, worrying about despite myself.

"That was mine," I muttered, looking at Lily for help.

She just glared at our newest addition, before her eyes swiped the Gryffindor table. She was undoubtedly looking for the other Marauders and seemed utterly relieved when she hadn't spotted them.

"What do you want?" I asked Sirius, feeling like that was the only thing I said to him lately.

Sirius gave me a lazy smile and bumped his knee against mine, making my eyes widen. "Well, I heard there was some butt wiggling going on earlier." His voice was rich with amusement and from the manner his body was shaking, I knew he was withholding laughter.

"We were just dancing," I pointed out.

"Why," Sirius whispered, his lips touching my left ear all of a sudden, "don't you dance with me?"

I dropped the knife I had been using to put jam on my newly grabbed toast and heard it clatter on my plate. My jaw was slack and I felt like my eyes could pop out any minute. He hadn't just asked me to... Merlin, I couldn't even think it.

My cheeks were ablaze and I saw Lily eyeing us with worry.

"Are you okay?" she mouthed silently.

I was too dazed to even shake my head. A shiver ran down my spine when I felt Sirius's lips caress my earlobe.

Fucking hell, I thought breathlessly. If he did that again, I'd be in his lap and ravishing him before Filch could even scream 'You are in trouble.'

"Nika," he started, pulling me effectively out of whatever daydream he had put me in. I jerked away and stared at him wide-eyed. "What on earth are you doing, Sirius?" I asked him, hating that my voice still sounded breathless in anticipation.

How I wanted those lips to actually kiss me where it mattered.

"I was asking you for a dance, Nika, but apparently you haven't got your dancing pyjamas on," he grinned mischievously.

They told him about that, did they?

I shook my head, determined to not let him distract me this time. "No, you know what I meant." My voice sounded broken to my own ears when I used it again. "What are you doing?"

I saw Sirius cringe a little. He finished his toast in silence, before he moved even closer after what felt like ages.

Lily was about to speak, but my look silenced her. I wanted to know what he was about to say.

He kissed my temple. "I'm winning you back."

A scent so deliciously Sirius filled my nose as he gave me that kiss. I bit my lip as his eyes caught mine. For once they weren't laughing, but they looked utterly serious. As if they held a promise for the future. His thumb caressed my jaw for a moment, before he stood up and simply walked away without another word.

"I am in so much trouble," I moaned, when he was out of earshot.


	31. I can hardly breathe

_**A/N: My name, unfortunately, is not J.K. Rowling. Therefore I did not invent this marvelous place called Hogwarts, therefore I have no rights to this story except for the plot and my own characters.**_

_Hiya,_

_I BET YOU THOUGHT YOU'D SEEN THE LAST OF ME!_

_I love how confused all of you are right now. I'm sorry, my darlings. (But not really.)_

_Thank you soooo much for your reviews, your follows and favouriting this story. Every alert I get puts a smile on my face! It really does!_

_I feel like I should apologize in advance for this chapter. I'm sure it is full of grammar mistakes and spelling errors, but like I've said before I'll fix it later. I'm probably going to edit the whole thing when it's finished, so. Yeah. Okay. Meh. (As you can see I'm quite brain dead at the moment.)_

_Anyway, I hope you enjoy and I LOVE YOU AAAAALL!_

_Hugs and kisses,_

_Kelly_

* * *

**Chapter 31**

_I can hardly breathe,_

_You make me wanna scream,_

_You're so fabulous._

_~Hot - Avril Lavigne_

Lily and I were minding our own business during Potions when a piece of parchment hit the back of my head. I turned around and gave a vicious glare at the thrower.

James gave me an innocent smile and pointed at Lily. "I thought you were a chaser, you moron," I told him, a bit annoyed. What if that parchment had landed in our cauldron, huh? What if the thing exploded in our faces? What then?!

Chaser, my arse.

"What has gotten your panties in a twist?" James asked me, glaring right back. Right, not taking any of my shit then.

I picked up the piece of parchment and threw it in front of Lily. "From Casanova over there."

"I thought you liked Potter?" she asked me, not even moving to unfold the note. She just kept on reading the recipe, apparently not having a care in the world. I admired that about Lily. How she could pretend not to care about James's shenanigans. Until she blew up, that is. Although, I suppose, Volcano Lily was a beautiful sight all on its own.

"Love him," I confirmed as I stirred our potion three times clockwise.

"Then what's up with the angry treatment?"

I shrugged unwittingly.

"Nika."

"What do you care anyway?" I whispered furiously. "I mean, don't you hate the lad?"

Lily pursed her lips and nodded. "Fair enough," she muttered before throwing some frog legs into the potion.

It wasn't that I hated James per se, I was just about 99,9% sure that he had told Sirius about my little love confession two days ago. Bastard.

I wrinkled my nose and closed my eyes in annoyance when another note hit me in the shoulder. Oh, come on.

I picked it up without a word and threw it to Lily again.

She sighed and shook her head.

"Aren't you going to read them?" I asked.

"Whatever for?" she murmured, so the boys behind us wouldn't be able to hear. "It will only encourage him and that's something I really don't need at the moment. Especially not since I have Trey in my life right now."

"If Trey truly likes you, he won't run for the hills because James Potter sent a couple of notes," I answered slowly, not really getting the point. Why wouldn't she just read the notes? I had half a mind to read them myself, just out of sheer curiosity.

"What's up with you and Sirius?" she asked. "You didn't say yesterday."

Yes, I thought, because I didn't want to talk about it.

I sighed and started putting in the bloodroot. We were supposed to make the bloodroot poison and we were well on our way to completing it without any difficulty. Bless Lily's soul, I thought.

"Nika?" Lily bit her lip as she stirred the potion again.

I barely intercepted another note before it landed in our potion and gave the lads behind us a look. "Shouldn't you be sitting at the front anyway?" I asked James, studiously ignored Sirius as I did so.

"The kind professor assigned us partners, Nika dear, not seats."

"Why?" Sirius asked me, waggling his eyebrows suggestively. "Wanna trade?"

I shook my head as I turned around back to face the front to hide my blush. Damn that boy.

I saw Lily smiling faintly and gave her a frown. "What are you smiling at?"

"I think, Nika, you might be making some process with the lad," she whispered with a wide grin.

I didn't really understand why such a thing would make her happy. Didn't she hate 'the lad' as much as she hated James? I mean...

Yeah, okay, so that totally didn't matter. I just didn't want to think about the chance of Sirius liking me back, because there was exactly none. If he had any feelings for me, he wouldn't have reacted as badly as he had before.

So what was he up to? What was his plan exactly? Use the crush I have on him to win me back as a friend?

Use me as a snogging partner?

Would I allow that? Because just being Sirius's occasional snog was better than not having him at all, right? And it would be without any strings attached, which would be absolutely perfect when Death Eaters came knocking. He wouldn't be hurt if I cut him loose to spare him then. He wouldn't try to save me when he obviously couldn't.

Not that I had any illusions of any wizard coming to my rescue on his white horse with his mighty sword in hand, because those things only happened in books. Still I guess such a relationship would benefit both of us better than none, right?

No?

Maybe then I could teach him how to tie a knot, because damn that lad. Would it physically hurt him to not be so physically attractive all the time?

Perhaps he should shave himself bald?

No, Sirius Black would probably be able to rock even that look. Drat it all.

I looked over my shoulder and saw him watching me as he played with his wand. He gave me a sweet smile that made me even more conflicted.

Why hadn't he used that smug smirk on me just now? Why smile so sweetly as if I actually mattered?

I turned back around. "That boy is doing my head in," I told Lily gruffly.

She laughed and gave me a little nudge.

I grabbed one of Lily's notes and opened it, since she obviously wasn't going to and I really could use the distraction.

_'My darling Lily,_

_Please tell your lovely companion that Sirius says hi._

_With all my love,_

_James.'_

"What the hell," I breathed, showing it to Lily, who gave the two boys a confused look. I grabbed the other note and opened it quickly, hearing the boys whisper among themselves behind our back.

Lily opened the third one as well and we both stared at the written words. They had just sent us the same message over and over again. I tore a piece of my parchment and gave it to Lily. Together we thought of a proper response for the two Marauders chuckling behind us.

_'To the worst Chaser,_

_Please tell your black-haired companion that Nika says he needs to man up and do his own writing._

_Lily_

_P.S.: How is it that you are unable to throw notes properly?'_

Without further ado Lily threw the parchment over her shoulder and I heard the boys laugh as they read it.

Lily and I shared a smile and finished our potion soon thereafter. The boys didn't bother us again during that class.

* * *

After my last class that day, I was dragged behind a statue by Sirius Black himself. "I think I'd rather talk than write," Sirius said, referring to our earlier note as he pushed me against the wall.

I frowned at him and told my heart to calm down before it bruised my ribs. "What are you doing?" I asked, pushing him away a little. "You can't just pull me behind statues because you feel like it, Sirius!"

"Nika?" I heard Lily ask and saw her pop her head into our little hiding spot.

"We're good," Sirius said, waving her away.

She gave me a concerned look as she studiously ignored him and only moved away when I nodded. "I'll be in the library if you need me."

"Okay," I replied loudly as I tried to stare Sirius down.

Needless to say I didn't succeed. I took a deep breath and leaned against the wall, hoping to put a little space between us.

It was either that or jumping his bones.

"So let's talk," Sirius grinned. I don't think the boy had ever heard of personal space, since he took another step closer to me and totally invaded mine.

I tried to look somewhere else, anywhere else, but he seemed to be everywhere. His eyes had a magnetic pull that kept pulling mine toward his. "What do you want to talk about?" I was so damn proud that I actually sounded in control of the situation even though I wasn't.

Bravo me.

Sirius moved his face closer to mine as he stared into my eyes. "How was your weekend?"

How was my -

"What are we?" I blurted. "A married couple?" I instantly regretted the words when they fled my mouth.

Sirius's lips twitched. "You don't like me asking how your weekend was?"

Bloody hell, I loved it. "How about you get to the point, Sirius. I doubt you really have any feelings for me and trying to play mine isn't good form." And I didn't buy the whole 'winning me back' crap either.

"Well, my lovely dove," Sirius whispered, his lips caressing my chin, "maybe I was just born to be bad." My eyes fell closed at the soft feel of his lips and I barely held back my moan. "Maybe I just can't help myself."

Bullshit, I thought.

Please kiss me, my body begged.

He gently kissed the corner of my mouth and my eyes shot open. I released a breath I hadn't even realized I had been holding.

Sirius's eyes glittered with an unknown emotion that I desperately needed to explore. Why was he doing this?

Why did I like it so much?

My eyes fell to his lips and I held my breath as I saw them inch closer.

"Dove?" he asked, making me look up at him again. "I'm not going to kiss you."

Why. The. Hell. Not.

My frustration must have been clear, since he gave me a full-blown grin. His thumb stroked my jaw, making me half mad with desire for him.

Damn him.

"You are such a tease," I told him angrily. I couldn't decide whether I was pissed at him for playing me like a sodding fiddle or at myself for being so obvious about my feelings.

His eyes held a spark that warmed me to my core. "Only with you, love," he said. He kissed my cheek and disappeared from our little hiding spot.

I had no idea how long I stood there, but I kept mulling over his words in my mind. Why was he only teasing me?

Wasn't I good enough for a real kiss from the infamous womanizer?

Did he think me ugly?

But why all the dramatics then? Why would he try to seduce me - because he was trying to seduce me, damn it - if he wouldn't come through in the end?

He was seriously doing my head in.

When I felt like I was ready to brave the day once more, I took a deep breath and walked to the library. I was so ready to talk Lily's ears off about this. I could use some outsider's perspective of this situation, I really could.


	32. Take me down like I'm a domino

_**A/N: My name, unfortunately, is not J.K. Rowling. Therefore I did not invent this marvelous place called Hogwarts, therefore I have no rights to this story except for the plot and my own characters.**_

_Hey guys,_

_I think each and every one of you is going to absolutely ADORE this chapter. You know why? You'll read why. *waggles eyebrows*_

_Anyway thank you for all your reviews and I absolutely love how into this story you all are. Thank you so much for your support, I mean it. _

_I hope you enjoy (and please, don't drool on your keyboard)!_

_Love,_

_Kelly_

* * *

**Chapter 32**

_Dirty dancing in the moonlight,_

_Take me down like I'm a domino._

_~ Domino - Jessie J_

Lily and I had talked this over for hours and I was still not certain if I was doing the right thing. What I did know for certain though, was that I was done being played by the likes of Sirius Black.

Lily had asked me what I wanted from the lad and what I was willing to risk to make it happen. I couldn't say if she approved of my plan, but she supported me no matter what her real thoughts on the matter were. She knew this was important to me, but especially so for my self-esteem. I wanted Sirius Black to know what it was to want someone, to want me.

And Morgana be damned if I wasn't going to make that happen.

I hoped.

At least I'd try?

I still wasn't sure about any of this, but at least I'd know what was going through that gorgeous head of his. Just... Please, Merlin, don't let him run for cover again, because when he does...

I closed my eyes as if that would keep the thoughts away. Unfortunately it didn't help a damn thing.

If he ran away again, that'd be it. We'd be done. I didn't think it would be easy, far from it, but I wouldn't talk to him. I'd take a page from Lily's book and ignore him and hate him whenever he approached me.

Right.

This plan was doomed to fail, I thought irritated with my own stupid idea. I wasn't going to stop though. I wanted to know where I stood and if he really had been playing on my emotions all along, which I just knew he had. If so, I was going to kick his arse like only a bad ass banshee could.

I took a deep breath, before saying the password to the Fat Lady. She stopped mid-speech, gave me a fierce glare and swung open.

I walked into the common room and stopped in my tracks when I saw them sitting on their favourite couch in front of the fireplace. Merlin, he was handsome.

Sirius had already removed his tie and his ankle rested on his knee. His arms graced the back of the couch and I wanted them to embrace me instead. He looked up, caught me in his sights and stopped mid-laugh.

I looked away, when I saw that the other Marauders hadn't noticed me yet. That would only last so long, of course. My eyes were caught by Lily's.

She gave me an encouraging nod that I wasn't sure I deserved.

I took another deep breath and walked to the Marauders with my chin held high. Their conversation ceased and I saw James look up at me expectantly. It wasn't like I could blame him, since the last few times I had come to them it had indeed been to talk to James.

He started to get up and I gave him a sweet smile. "Please remain seated, James," I told him, sounding like an old school teacher as I did so. Nerves were raging through my stomach and my hands were shaking like mad.

At least I was polite?

James gave me a confused frown and looked around at his friends, who seemed as much at a loss as he was. Except for Sirius Black, of course, who looked a little uncomfortable all of a sudden.

My last doubts disappeared almost immediately when I saw his finger tapping his knee nervously. I was doing the right thing, I realized. "Sirius, could I have a moment?" I bit back the 'please'. Barely.

James' eyes widened as he studied me worriedly. Remus whispered something in Sirius' ear before he stood up and followed me back to the corridor outside.

I was curious to know what Remus had whispered, but wasn't curious enough to ask. Besides that wouldn't really have fit in with my new vixen persona anyway.

"So what did you want to talk about, little dove?" he asked when we finally came to a stop, a floor down.

I turned around and gave him a serious look. "I want to make something clear," I told him slowly. I tried not to show how much his careless posture got to me. I wasn't jealous of the wall for holding him up and my hands were definitely not itching to go through his hair, to grip it tight as I pulled him closer.

Hm. Maybe that was an idea I could actually use?

It wasn't like I would object to pulling Sirius closer to me and kissing him till he forget even his own name. I was definitely not opposed to caressing his sharp jaw, that could cut girls' hearts in two, and I was absolutely not into pushing my body against his till there wasn't any air left between us.

I wondered what he'd taste like. Would his lips really be as soft as they looked? They certainly had felt soft against my skin and I had heard enough stories over the years to know that his mouth was a personal gift from the heavens to the female population.

Why had I been too upset when I kissed him all those weeks ago to pay attention to such a thing? What was I? Stupid?

"Nika?"

I snapped back into focus and saw him give me a wry smile.

"Where did you go?"

Siriusland, I thought. "Nowhere," I said.

"So what did you want to talk about?" He gave me a smoldering look and my eyes immediately dropped back to his lips.

They twitched a little, which caused me to look up again.

Merlin, his eyes. I swallowed and took a step closer to him. Was I really going to do this?

I really was.

"I don't want there to be any misunderstandings," I started.

"Understandable," Sirius agreed, eyeing me as I inched closer and closer.

I felt as far from a sexy vixen as I could possibly get. How did normal girls do this anyway?! Bite your lip, Lily had said but that was something I did occasionally anyway?

Just do it, Nika.

I bit my lip and saw in amazement how his eyes flickered to my mouth. I took another step closer to me. "Yes. I wanted to make it clear that I do have feelings for you," I murmured, which all in all was something he already knew. I wasn't telling him anything new.

Why did I feel like crying and screaming at the same time then? Why were my legs unsteady if this was nothing new? Was it because I was now confessing this purposefully with a clear head?

Well as much of a clear head I ever have around the lad?

Maybe.

Sirius swallowed. "Yes, I kind of got that before," he pointed out.

Was I making him nervous? I thought breathlessly. Think quick, Nika. What else had Lily told you to do?

I took a strand of my hair and twirled it around my index finger as I looked at him from underneath my lashes, feeling utterly ridiculous as I did so.

Sirius seemed to think so too, because he gave me a quick, yet charming grin. "Are you trying to do something here, my darling little dove?" he asked amusedly.

I felt a blush creep on my cheeks and gave him a glare, before I knew what I was doing. Drat him. "I don't know what you are talking about," I told him, a tad harsher than I meant to. I took another step closer and I smiled when I saw that there was barely any space left between us. I looked up at him and saw him give me a doubtful look.

He seemed at war with himself right then and there, as if he wasn't all that sure about what he wanted.

We were both at a crossroads and what we would do next, would influence the rest of our stay at Hogwarts. At least that's how it felt like to me. Dating Sirius Black would mean having angry glares thrown at me, it would mean living a life in the spotlights of this school and I wasn't sure, no, I was sure that I wasn't ready for that.

However the other option would mean, banishing him from my life. I couldn't just let go of him, the boy that I had fallen in love with when I was just a child. The boy I had been fascinated with since First Year. I didn't want to lose one of the few lights I had in my life and whether I wanted him to be or not, he was a huge, warm light that reminded me of the person that I wanted to be.

Not an arrogant player, but a decent human being with a delicious sense of humour. Someone who was strong and could take whatever you threw at him, I wanted to be like that. Needed to be like that.

The main reason, however, that I couldn't let him go was because I was a despicable, selfish witch. I knew that if - and that's a big if - he ever fell in love with me that he would never be safe again. That his life would have huge ups and downs, that he would be surrounded by death. Always.

And still I claimed to love him too much to give him up. Maybe it was just the opposite? Maybe I didn't love him enough to let him go?

"I cannot give you what you seek, Nika," Sirius breathed almost... hopefully?

Why hopeful? He didn't fancy me, that I knew, so what was he hoping I'd do?

I carefully, admiringly put my hand on his muscled chest and gave him an uncertain look.

He seemed so torn that I was almost sorry that I was doing this. Why couldn't he just kiss me like other girls? Was it because he didn't like me that way? Maybe he thought of me more as a little sister or an annoying friend he couldn't get rid of?

"Sirius," I started, but het cut me off by placing his hand on the back of my neck.

He pushed away from the wall slightly and his face inched closer to mine. He didn't break eye contact once and I thought I had died and gone to heaven. "I've told you before, love," he whispered, his nose touching mine, "to call me Padfoot."

Somehow that simple sentence was able to erase all my doubts. It made my heart scream that yes, I did want this and yes, I was going to kiss him. The smile I gave him couldn't have been more joyous and it only widened, when I saw his own sweet smile in return to mine.

I slowly moved my hand upward and laid it around his own neck, my thumb caressing his skin in soothing circles. Maybe I was still dreaming? "Padfoot," I started again and again he cut me off.

His lips took possession of mine in a fierceness that was both arousing and passionate. He pulled my body closer to his and as his mouth worked mine, I couldn't help but moan.

His lips were indeed soft, I thought as I was snogged the hell out of, and his kiss was better, way better than rumours claimed.

I tried to move even closer to him, which was impossible. I didn't care though, I wanted to feel every inch of him. When his hand caressed my side and his hand grazed by my breast, I gasped into his mouth.

Sirius gave a growl that seemed to resonate all the way from his chest, something which only made me want him more. He bit my lip, demanding entrance.

So dominating, I thought breathlessly as his tongue dove into my mouth.

He quickly took ownership of my mouth and my body and I absolutely loved it.

I had no idea if I was doing it right though, but since he hadn't started laughing halfway through, I guess I must have been doing okay.

When Sirius pulled away he had both his hands resting against my cheeks, holding me in place. I blinked at him, trying to regain composure as we both tried to catch our breaths.

"What can you give me then?" I whispered, because I definitely wanted more of that.

Sirius closed his eyes and his hands fell away from my face.

I wanted to scream, craving the contact like an addict craved his shot.

"I don't do relationships," he muttered finally after what felt like ages, but couldn't have been more than a couple of seconds in reality.

I stood by my earlier conclusion. I wasn't willing to take the spotlight as his girlfriend, nor was I willing to risk his safety when it came to that with the Death Eaters. "Who says I want one?"

Surprise took over his face. "But you-"

Are utterly completely in love with me, I finished in my head.

"Have a crush on you," is what I said instead. "Big deal, I believe half the female population of Hogwarts does." How could they not? Look at him, damn it.

An emotion clouded his eyes, but he looked away swiftly before I could figure out what it was.

"What can you give me?" I pushed, needing him to say it. I needed to hear this desperately.

"Ah shit," I heard him utter, before he pulled me closer again and gave me a quick kiss on the lips. "I can give you this, but it is all I can give."

I thought it would be liberating to hear him say those words, but it wasn't. It hurt.

I had no idea to how many girls he had said those words to before and had no clue to how many girls he would utter them after me. No matter how sad it sounded though, I would take what I could. "No public show of affections," I told him softly, searching his eyes in earnest.

He cocked his head to the side as he studied me back. "No," he agreed. "No jealous streaks."

I hesitated. "No flings on the side," I added.

Sirius was the one to hesitate now, before he nodded. "Agreed."

I heard footsteps approaching, so I took a couple of steps back but my eyes never left his face. "Agreed," I whispered, before turning around and walking back to the common room without further ado. My heart was still racing and my lady parts still tingled when I thought back to that kiss.

I was setting myself up for heartbreak, I thought as I ran back to the Fat Lady's portrait. I almost screamed the password at her and entered without another word. Lily looked up when I entered and I deliberately slowed my pace and acted as if I hadn't a care in the world.

If there was anything I could do efficiently, it was pretending.

I gave James a reassuring smile when I saw him frown confusedly at me. His eyes swung back to the portrait hole and I went over to Lily. I sat down beside her and gave her another smile.

"So," she whispered, "what happened?"

I grabbed the parchment she was writing on and wrote down two words. I didn't want anyone to accidentally overhear and well, I liked keeping this a secret for now. I was about to give her the parchment back, when Sirius entered the common room. He looked as normal as ever and didn't even look my way as he walked gracefully over to his friends.

He eased down and I looked at Lily as she read my answer.

Mission accomplished.


	33. Hold me in your arms

_**A/N: My name, unfortunately, is not J.K. Rowling. Therefore I did not invent this marvelous place called Hogwarts, therefore I have no rights to this story except for the plot and my own characters.**_

_Hey guys,_

_MERRY (late) CHRISTMAS! I'm sorry I haven't updated lately, but the holidays, my cold and my early birthday party kept me occupied. (And I don't even want to discuss my exams. Gawd.)_

_Anyway, I'm back! And I'm spending the whole evening writing for you guys, so expect another chapter tomorrow or the day after! (I'll try and do some Living in the Moment as well, especially since I know exactly how I want to end it now. HOORAY!) I don't know what it is about being sick, but it always gives me the best plot ideas._

_Hm._

_I hope you are all well and that you had many, MANY Christmas presents!_

_With love,_

_Kelly_

* * *

**Chapter 33**

_I was made to keep your body warm_

_But I'm cold as, the wind blows_

_So hold me in your arms._

_~ Kiss Me - Ed Sheeran _

Breakfast the next morning was a real test for my self-restraint. Sirius was sitting only a couple of seats away from me, and didn't look my way once.

That was what I wanted, I told myself. After all, hadn't I just told him last night that I didn't want to be associated with him in public? Right. Okay. I could do this. I could.

Lily wasn't really happy with the Marauders sitting so close either. James would give her quick glances and he didn't give a rat's ass about being subtle about it. Girls around us were starting to giggle and Lily's face was beet red.

"Just ignore them," I told her compassionately.

Lily bit her lip and stared at her plate forcefully, as if the plate was the cause of all evil in the world. She took her sandwich a little too forcefully as she took a bite out of it.

The girls' giggling increased.

"Do you mind?" she asked finally, giving them an angry glare.

"Not at all," Annabelle grinned. "So what's the deal with you and Sirius anyway?" she asked, turning to me.

"Don't know him," I replied flippantly, seeing the subject of our conversation smile from the corner of my eye.

"Suuure," Annabelle's best friend, Kyra, drawled. "Because you two weren't joined at the hip for over two weeks."

"Oh that Sirius, silly me," I said, giving them a smile that I didn't feel at all. I turned back to Lily and saw her roll her eyes as well.

"Well," Annabelle prodded. "Did you ever get to kiss him?"

I blinked as I stared at her emptily. "What, now?" I asked, making Lily burst out in laughter. She quickly caught herself though and schooled her face back into a scowl.

I shook my head at her, which only made the corners of her mouth quirk again. I made sure not to look at the boys though and couldn't believe I found myself in this situation. Like at all. I tried to imagine what I would have said before if anyone asked me that question, you know pre-Sirius, but I couldn't come up with an answer. It just seemed ridiculous that anyone would be interested in my love life like that.

Annabelle gave me a look. "Are you mentally deficient?"

"Are you?" I asked her, blinking again for good measure.

With a huff and an annoyed roll of her eyes, Annabelle seemed to give up on me and turned back to her friends.

I shook my head and tried to enjoy my breakfast further, when the unthinkable happened. An owl landed elegantly next to my plate and it carried a letter with my name written in elegant letters on it.

I stared at it, transfixed, for several minutes, before the owl gently nipped my fingers. I petted it as I relieved it of its burden.

"That's a school owl," Lily observed, making me frown even more although anticipation rose in me. Was it from Sirius?

I opened the letter, feeling shaky and a little hopeful as I did so. I had never gotten mail before, with the exception of the occasional letter from Lily during the summer.

I bit my lip and sat at the very edge of my chair as my eyes scanned the paper.

_'I know what you are. Check today's Daily Prophet.'_

That was all it said and it made my spirits sink faster than I could have possibly imagined. Who was this? Who knew about me? I looked at James, but he seemed engrossed in a letter of his own. Sirius seemed to be teasing Peter about something and Remus was just staring at his bread as if he had never seen it before.

None of the boys had noticed me reading the letter and as far as I could see, nobody else had either.

Lily gasped, drawing my attention to her. "This is horrible," she whispered, showing me the front page of the Prophet that must have arrived not soon after my letter.

The Cooper family had been slaughtered in the Highlands. My eyes scanned the article and I couldn't help but think about Anthony and how I had seen him and his mother lying in their own pool of blood.

I must have made some kind of noise, because people around me froze. I crumpled the piece of parchment in my fist as tears pooled in my eyes. I had been so careful, I had told Dumbledore and he had assured me that they were safe. I had tried!

It was somewhat silly crying over this, was I going to cry over every death I ever saw? On some fundamental level I knew it was useless to cry, but the urge almost overtook me. Was this to be my fate? Obviously Dumbledore couldn't protect everyone, which resulted in Anthony Cooper and his family being dead.

"Nika?" Lily asked me worriedly. "I didn't know you knew Anthony?" she started slowly, trying to grab my balled fist to squeeze it comfortingly. She appeared to be on the edge of crying herself and I knew that this wasn't the moment to admit to what I really was.

I didn't deserve her comfort though. I looked up at the teacher's table and saw McGonagall eyeing me with a concerned expression. Dumbledore was nowhere to be seen.

What the.

Was he already dealing with this mess?

This mess being a dead family.

Oh, Merlin.

"Nika," James was suddenly there, looking at me. "Are you okay?"

I was drawing too much attention. I needed to man up. I had no idea why Anthony Cooper's death affected me so much, after all he wasn't the only death I had seen.

He was the most recent one that I screamed for though, the first in many years. I took a deep breath and smiled as I turned to James. "I am perfectly fine. I'm just sad about Anthony though, he was a cool lad."

"Aye," James said, studying me carefully with a million questions in his eyes, "that he was." He seemed to hesitate a little. "Did you know?" he whispered, so only the two of us could hear his words.

I found myself nodding before I could stop myself.

"I am very sorry, Nika," James whispered again, giving me a sideways hug.

"Feel sorry for them, not for me," I whispered back, before hugging him closer. "Did you send me a note just now?" I had to ask.

"No." He sounded genuinely confused, so I let it drop.

I pused him away a little and said, "Now shoo, go finish your breakfast."

Lily watched the scene with a weird expression on her face that I couldn't entirely place.

"Yes, ma'am," James smirked, messing up my hair as he left.

"Prick," I muttered half-heartedly.

Lily gave me another look. "Are you sure you are okay though?"

I grabbed her hand as I let the parchment drop in my backpack underneath the table. "I am sure. Are you seeing Trey today?"

I knew she knew that I was changing the subject, but she didn't let anything on. She licked her lips and nodded. "Yes, although I am not sure if that's going to happen now. Anthony was a friend of his, I believe."

"Poor guy," I murmured.

Lily nodded. We finished the rest of our breakfast in silence.

* * *

I spent the rest of the day mulling over the mysterious note. I had no idea who had sent it and wasn't sure if I wanted to know. I had let down my guard before and was now being punished for it, or so it felt like to me.

Arms circled around my waist and a broad chest supported my back. "Hello, little dove," Sirius whispered in my ear, kissing the tender spot behind it.

I shivered in his arms and enjoyed how all of my worries seemed to fade when he was near. Maybe it was okay to forget every once in a while?

I turned around and kissed him. My hands immediately travelled through his hair and I gently nipped his lips till he groaned. I was relentless though, pushing my body closer to his and massaging his head gently as my lips caressed him almost worshipfully.

"What's wrong?" he asked when he pulled back.

"Why does there have to be anything wrong?" I asked right back, as I kissed his jaw. That jaw was nearly doing me in, had been doing me in for years.

I suddenly dawned on me that what I was doing was something most girls fantasized about. I caressed his neck, his jaw, his cheek carefully, admiringly.

"What are you doing, Nika?" Sirius asked me with a soft and almost tender look in his eyes that I loved. I put that look there. Me.

"Admiring," I murmured, not daring to move any closer anymore. What if he changed his mind all of a sudden? What if I secretly was a bad kisser and he didn't want to ruin all my hopes and dreams by pointing it out. "Sirius?" I whispered.

"Hm?" Sirius asked as he did some admiring of his own.

His thumb stroked my chin, before his fingers gently caressed the side of my face. Shivers ran up and down my body, but I wasn't cold in the least. Just a slight touch of his fingers could put me on fire, I thought in amazement.

"I'm sorry if I'm doing any of this wrong," I muttered awkwardly. It was definitely the safer option, I didn't really care to see the expression on his face as I bared all my secrets to him.

I felt Sirius hesitate for a moment, before he once again put his finger under my chin and made me look at him. That seemed to be a favourite of his, forcing my chin up. His finger stayed there, as if it agreed with my inner musings. Maybe he had a chin fetish?

Was there such a thing as a chin fetish? Probably, right?

"Do you have a chin fetish?" I blurted nervously, making him stiffen.

He started chuckling and the chuckle quickly evolved in full-blown laughter. He kissed several spots of my chin profusely. "I do not have a chin fetish, little dove, but yours does fascinate me." I blushed like mad. "And you aren't doing anything wrong," he added as if in afterthought. "Nothing I can't teach you, at least."

"Arrogant," I pointed out.

"Aye lass," he murmured, against my lips. "Just the way you like me."

Ah, aye.


	34. They can't break me

_**A/N: My name, unfortunately, is not J.K. Rowling. Therefore I did not invent this marvelous place called Hogwarts, therefore I have no rights to this story except for the plot and my own characters.**_

_Hey guys,_

_As promised a new chapter!_

_I'm sorry if you tried to review yesterday's chapter and it didn't work. I replaced the Author's Note with the 33rd chapter and I guess this website considered it as the same chapter or something? It was rather dumb of me, I admit._

_Anyway this chapter has some answers for you at last. I know a lot of you have been wondering what Sirius really thinks/feels about Nika and although I know he is still in denial about a lot of things, this chapter will give you some insight. Especially since... a third of it is written in Sirius's POV! HOORAY! I can highly recommend that you listen to "I'm Still Here" by Johnny Rzeznik. I always listen to this song when I think I'm losing my grip on Sirius and it will definitely give you an idea as to how I see him._

_I wish you guys all the best for 2014, good health, a lover who will sweep you off your feet, amazing fanfics and wonderful books to read and a good bottle of champagne to start the New Year with! _

_With love,_

_Kelly_

* * *

**Chapter 34**

_And I wanna tell you who I am,_  
_Can you help me be a man?_  
_They can't break me,_  
_As long as I know who I am._

_~I'm still here - Treasure Planet OST_

"So how are you feeling, Nika?" Greene looked at me as if I was a bomb that could go off any minute.

I couldn't really blame him though. Sirius had even tried to pick a fight with me, when I refused to tell him why James had come to me when I looked distressed. Sirius's angry reaction had given me a bit of hope though. He had almost sounded jealous and well, I could definitely live with Sirius being jealous over me. Who wouldn't?

But that was probably not it though. Maybe he just wanted to be in the know, but I was hardly ready to tell Sirius what I had told James. Hell, I was barely ready to tell Lily what I had told James.

I knew that Lily wouldn't judge me for being who I am and she'd probably kick my ass that I even doubted that for a second, but yeah. We had a good thing going on, finally, and I didn't want to ruin that with my dark past.

What if I put her in harm's way as well?

It was bad enough that I thought that I was risking Sirius now that the mysterious notes had showed up...

Those notes. A shiver ran down my spine. Who was the sender? In the last two days since the first note, I had received two more. Each one had a name on it.

"Nicole Raven," had been the first one and it had nearly given me a heart attack. I bit my lip and studied Greene's hands.

If the first one had almost given me heart failure than the second one shocked me to my core. Sirius's name had been written on it and I couldn't help but perceive it as a threat. That wasn't all though, a date and place had been written underneath his name as well.

Today was the second of February and I was expected to meet my mysterious writer in an hour.

"Nika," Greene said gently. "Is there anything else on your mind?"

"Anthony didn't deserve to die," I said instead. I didn't want Dumbledore or Greene to know about the notes. I wanted to show people that I was in fact capable of cleaning up my own messes. I wanted to let people know that I wasn't the scared little girl under the bed anymore.

I had grown up to be a young woman who could handle whatever you threw her way.

I hoped.

These notions were beyond foolish, I knew that. It was dangerous playing with other's lives as I was currently doing, but I knew that my family had never run from anything. I wasn't about to start - or well continue - either.

Greene nodded. Anthony was a subject he was familiar with, especially since he had helped me through the last three deaths I've seen. "Did you know him before?"

"No," I replied swiftly. "I did not." I told him all I knew about Anthony Cooper, which in fact wasn't all that much. It seemed to pacify Greene though and that's exactly the way I wanted him. Lily had spent the whole day with Trey, which was fine. It kept her occupied and distracted from my own distress.

Sirius had seemed a little busy himself with his Marauders. They were probably planning another prank, which again was completely fine by me.

It left me alone again. Being alone was known territory and it even made me feel saver as I dealt with this disaster.

I discussed my feelings over Anthony's death and I even cried a little.

"Nicole," Greene said, when I was ready to leave. "Don't think me a fool, girl, I know that there's something else going on that has you rattled. I am not going to insist upon you telling me what it is, but I do want you to know that I am here and that both of my ears are at your disposition if you ever need them to listen to you."

I gave him a smile and hugged him, before I could stop myself. "It's just some boy trouble, Gideon," I assured him.

"And that's Dr. Greene to you, lass."

I grinned at that and laughed when he pinched my side. "Now off you go."

I gave him one last wave before heading out of the classroom that he still hadn't bothered redecorating. It looked awful, but I understood that our weekly meetings were hardly worth going through all that trouble for.

With each step I took, nerves increased and raged through me. Who was I just about to meet? I gripped my wand tightly as I ascended staircase after staircase. Soon enough I found myself on the seventh floor. I followed the left corridor and stopped in front of a tapestry. Well then. I looked around me, but couldn't find a single soul.

I studied the tapestry and couldn't help but find it hideous. Whoever would want to teach trolls ballet anyway?

I leaned against the wall and closed my eyes in frustration. Maybe it was just a prank, I told myself.

It hardly felt like a prank when people knew "what" I was and what my birth name was. No, this wasn't a prank. This was serious business.

A hooded figure stood in front of me when I opened my eyes and I gave a shriek. I knew those robes.

Death Eater.

I tried to take step back, but the wall pressed into my back painfully.

"I wasn't sure if you'd come," the Death Eater said. His voice was young, but the hood successfully hid his face from me. A student then?

"What do you want?" I asked, feeling damn proud that my voice didn't break once. I sounded a lot more confident than I actually felt.

Instead of answering me though, the Death Eater started pacing. Pacing! As if now was the appropriate time to reflect on his decisions. I was about to say something, when the wall behind me started shifting. I jumped away from it and turned around with my wand raised. A door had appeared. "What," I breathed.

"If you ever tell anyone of this," the voice stated in low and vicious tones, "I'll make sure that everyone you care about dies. Are we clear?"

"I," I stared, but was interrupted again.

"I do not need those foolish Marauders using my one sanctuary as a base for their pranks. I will have your word that you'll be silent about this, before we proceed."

Proceed to what? "You haven't even told me anything," I cried. "What do you want?"

"Your word," he hissed angrily.

"Fine," I muttered, studying the door as I did so. "I will not tell anyone about this. Whatever this room is."

"It's the Come and Go Room," the voice said, sounding more chipper all of a sudden.

"The what?" I asked as I followed him inside. A fire cackled, illuminating the room in a warm glow. The room was bare except for a couch and a table. I turned around and blinked. It wasn't bare, I thought in amazement as I studied the walls more carefully. Bookcases covered the walls from floor to ceiling. I took a step forward, but a hand gripped my arm strongly, reminding me where I was and with whom.

I turned around again and ripped my arm from his grasp. "I will know who you are and what you want." Has he come to kill me?

Fear tried to take over, but I pushed it back. I will not be afraid of a hooded coward, I told myself.

"Very well," the voice said softly, before he removed his hood.

I gaped and blinked a couple of times. What in Merlin's name. "Regulus Black?"

* * *

_2 February 1977_

_Prongs keeps teasing me that keeping a diary is unmanly, but he doesn't know shit. I like writing down my thoughts in this journal, it keeps me level-headed. I think I just heard Prongs laughing inside my head. Whatever, mate. WHATEVER._

_I've mentioned Nika Schmidt a couple of times already, but I can't get the girl out of my mind. We've decided to give it a try, just as I wanted. She fascinates me and I am curious to know where this experiment will go._

_Prongs would have my head if he knew that I was currently snogging his little Nika on almost a daily basis. What is up with those two anyway? I overheard her talking in Hogsmeade and the girl is heads over heels in love with me, so why was she talking to Prongs so often? What did he have that I don't?_

_Well, Prongs has several things I don't to be honest. My mother would smack me around the room if she knew how jealous of the lad I often was. _

_Anyway Nika was an interesting puzzle. Her words made me hope that maybe there was something out there for me. Maybe I wasn't as rotten as I had always thought?_

"Honestly, Padfoot, are you writing in that blasted thing again?" Prongs asked playing with a Snitch he stole last year to impress Lily with.

I gave him a dark look. "I can't help it if you're too much of a chicken to face your own demons, Prongs."

"Stag, dear," James said in a girlish voice.

Peter started laughing hysterically and I gave him an annoyed look. He didn't stop though and I couldn't help but miss the younger Wormtail. At least he had thought I hung the moon and stars.

"Har har," I said sarcastically. I slapped my notebook closed and threw it under my bed, knowing that none of my mates would dare read it if they valued their hands attached to their arms.

I laid back down on my bed and stared blindly ahead. Nika was the first person to actually have decent reasons for liking me that didn't start and end with my handsome looks. I grinned at the thought. I was quite sure that my looks were what lured her in, but she must have seen something to make her stay.

When she looked at me, she always had this adoring look on her face. It made me want to puff my chest and prance around like some proud peacock, knowing that I put that look there.

How had I ever missed it before? Before, when I had elected her as my "new best friend" - such foolish business, that had been - I had merely thought that her crush had been like all the others. She'd get over it in the end, but she hadn't.

Imagine my surprise when she had never acted on it and that she ran away or hid whenever I tried teasing her with it.

Such a puzzle she was.

"What has been going on between you and Nika?" I asked Prongs with a frown.

Prongs let the Snitch fly and gave me an unreadable look. "You've asked me this before," he started slowly, before a big grin took over his face. "Aw, is our Padfoot jealous of little ol' me?"

I rolled my eyes and threw my pillow at his head. "No," I said, "just curious, is all."

James sat back down and I could almost hear him thinking. He sighed. "She worries me sometimes," he muttered darkly.

"How so?" I asked and saw that even Peter was giving James an interested look.

"She has a lot going on in her life, that's all." James turned to grab the Snitch again and I sighed.

"Why aren't you a Seeker if you like playing with that thing so much?" I asked him, annoyed with his non-answers. Why did she turn to James in her time of need instead of to me?

Prongs gave me a wide grin. "Because I excel in both and I like being a Chaser more."

I shrugged. Whatever. "What do you know?"

"About Quidditch?" he asked incredulously.

I rolled my eyes. "About Nika and her troubles."

James sat down on my bed and studied me for a moment. "Don't ask me, Padfoot, because I can't tell you."

I sighed heavily. I don't know why I asked what I asked next. After all I didn't really care for the girl, just for the way she made me feel loved and adored. A feeling I only got around my friends and even that felt different. I liked the way she made me feel, but I didn't think I cared half as deeply about her as she did about me. It made the whole situation just that more confusing. "Is she in danger?" I asked.

James hesitated, before answering. "I'm not sure."


End file.
